Stopped talking | Dementia Support Forum

Hi Jerac, my husband (who is now in a care home) was very like this, and I like you felt that it was due to his reluctance to do things. A year further down the line I realise that it was part of his progressive journey. He has barely any sensible speech now but he tries hard to communicate. So frustrating for both of us when he repeats the same thing to try to communicate (not because he's forgotten what he's said) but the words he thinks he's saying come out as something different. He has lost his ability to attend to his hygiene needs and in January had forgotten how to shave. Unless we are the ones with this awful condition we cannot appreciate how it must be for them. I think you will find that his perceived reluctance is because he's forgotten how to do things. We overcame this as I guided him step by step through tasks, he would bake a cake with step by step instruction, follow me around all day (as he was completed disorientated within the home) help with the meals and carry things for me, but each of these tasks needed detailed guidance. We would go out daily together, on two days he attended a day centre which initially he didn't like but with perseverance and good care workers he came to enjoy it, we attended Forest School, again good care workers would do small things with him every task being broken down into small chunks. We went to art club where he sat and watched others, too embarrassed that he had forgotten how to write and couldn't engage in any conversation. If I left him to sit that is exactly what he would do because unfortunately he didn't know what to do. This all takes its toll though and I was exhausted constantly trying to keep him doing something to occupy him. In the night if he woke it was like he was in a sleeping wake, this is what finally made the decision for him to go into a home as he couldn't understand what I wanted of him ie to sit on the toilet to urinate or to change from wet clothes. I thought he wouldn't do these things but in hindsight he couldn't because his brain couldn't process that information, caring for him 24/7 meant I didn't cope well with the nights. If you can find a memory cafe or (depending where you are) check out Age UKs cognitive stimulation sessions attend them with him for the first visit, not telling him its for dementia, its just a place you're visiting you may be able to make this a regular thing. You need to start doing this now before he is so dependent on you that you cannot do anything. You have tiring times ahead, there is no other way of saying it, so if you have good friends and supportive family now is the time to get them engaged. Its not easy to say you need help but don't leave it until you are breaking. Does he have friends or ex work colleagues who could take him out for a couple of hours? Don't tell him in advance, let them pitch up and take him. The longer there is to think about someone visiting the more likely he is to decline the visit as he's probably embarrassed that he can't communicate as he could. Another thing is to check that his hearing and eyesight is okay. This will give him the optimum chance of being able to communicate. Its very easy to take over and maintain their independence at the same time, and when they appear apathetic it makes it harder but persevere. My husband loved the day centre yet most mornings on the way there he wouldn't want to go. I'd leave him wanting to come back out with me and at the end of the day when I went to collect him find a man that in his past life would be reserved, dancing around the room with one of the carers.
Hope some of my long winded reply might help you.