How to prioritize love and acceptance of you

Self-love is a concept that pretty much all of us can understand, but it’s one of the hardest things to practice.

Ever since we were little, we were taught to extend love toward others. Be kind to others, share your toys, love each other. But were we ever really taught to do the same thing for ourselves?

Self-love is so important for our health and our happiness. When we truly love and value ourselves, we open ourselves up to so many amazing things in life. We also allow ourselves to love everyone else better at the same time.

Self-love is important for so many reasons, such as:

– You’ll be more emotionally stable.
– You’ll have much more personal freedom.
– You’ll have healthier relationships with others.
– You’ll be more satisfied with your life.
– You’ll have better mental health.

Here are 10 ways that you can open yourself up to self-love and make it a priority in your life.

Figure out what’s holding you back

It’s easier to solve a problem when you know what’s causing it. So, one effective way to make self-love a priority in your life is figuring out why it’s so hard for you to make it a priority. What’s stopping you from making it a priority? Do you feel like you don’t deserve it? Do you feel like it’s unrealistic? If you have an answer, it’ll be a lot easier to change it because you’ll know what you specifically need to work on.

Let go of any negative beliefs about self-love

There are so many negative myths about self-love floating around that may be holding you back from committing to it. There’s the popular myth that self-love is unrealistic and impossible. I can say this is a myth simply because so many people actually love themselves. Then there’s the big myth that self-love is selfish. Self-love has nothing to do with being selfish and it actually allows you to love other people better too. If you’re believing any negative assumptions about self-love, just know that they’re probably not true!

Change your mindset

Changing your mindset is one of the most important, and sometimes the most difficult, things about learning to prioritize self-love. If you engage in negative self-talk, hold self-limiting beliefs, or just have a negative mindset, it’s going to be so hard to learn to love yourself. Change your mindset, be more open minded, and have a positive attitude about it. When you do this, you can literally change your life and open yourself up to so many amazing possibilities.

Set boundaries with people

If you have a hard time standing up for yourself, if you feel like you can never fully be yourself, or if you ever feel like people are constantly using you, then you probably need to set boundaries in your life. Having standards and healthy boundaries in your relationship is essential to loving yourself to the fullest. This helps us value ourselves and our time. It’s a good idea to re-evaluate your relationships and make sure you have healthy boundaries in place.

Learn how to say no

Learning how to say no when you need to is beneficial for many reasons. Your happiness is important and you need to put yourself first sometimes. So, if you don’t have time to do something or you just really don’t want to do something, it’s okay to say no. You need to value your time and respect yourself if you want to make self-love a priority. You don’t owe anything to anybody and you’ll also have more time for the things you want to do as well!

Love your body for what it does

One major roadblock holding people back from self-love is body insecurities, which is so sad. Our bodies are amazing and they do all sorts of wonderful things for us. We should really love and take care of our bodies for these exact reasons. If your body is healthy, that’s all that matters. We should love our bodies for what they do, not what they look like.

Make time for things you love

Loving your life is an important part of loving yourself. If you don’t love your life, that makes it hard to be happy. So, make time for things you enjoy! We work hard and we deserve to take time to do things that we love. Taking just 30 minutes a day to spend on your favorite hobby can leave you feeling so much happier and more refreshed. I think we can all spare 30 minutes a day for something that’s so important to our happiness.

Set and work toward goals

Again, living a life that you love is a huge part of loving yourself. The best way to live a life that you love is by setting goals and living your dreams. Setting goals is life-changing and it’s the best way to ensure that you accomplish what you want to in life. Defining where you want to go and then working to get there will make you feel so good and be so much more confident.

Let go of the past

The past can hold so many of us back from happiness, especially if you’re holding on to a past mistake or something you’ve done that you’re holding against yourself. If you’re doing this, it’s time to start working on letting it go. You need to forgive yourself and start loving yourself. You can’t change the past so when you keep carrying it around, you’re just hurting yourself for no reason. All you can do is learn from it and make sure you don’t repeat those hurts again in the future.

Take proper care of yourself

When you aren’t caring for yourself properly, you’re kind of telling yourself that you just aren’t worth it. You’re also leading yourself toward burnout and unhappiness. So, it’s safe to say that a lack of self-care is very unhealthy. If you want to prioritize self-love, you’ve got to prioritize self-care too. This will increase your feelings of self-worth, not to mention just make you a happier and healthier person. You’re worth the time and effort that it takes to ensure you’re taking care of yourself.

Making time for yourself is important in any relationship. Without the ability to focus on yourself, it’s easy to fall into unhealthy patterns of codependency and lose your sense of identity. Ultimately, your relationship with your own head and heart are the most crucial ones to nurture, and these will affect all other relationships in your life, whether they be romantic, platonic or familial. Healthy boundaries, open communication and prioritizing alone time are key ingredients to a strong relationship.

This can be a tricky balance to strike in the best of times, but the constraints of the global pandemic have put an immense amount of added pressure on romantic relationships. Particularly if you live with your partner, it can be very difficult to protect your alone time when you’re both at home constantly. And even if you don’t live together, with the limited number of activities available and the lowered number of people we’re allowed to see these days, setting aside time for self-love and growth outside of your partnership has even less of a roadmap than it did in the “before times.”

But the added challenge of creating time for yourself in today’s climate of isolation and external strains means that it’s just as, if not more, crucial for both your mental health and the health of your relationship to make it a goal. While every relationship dynamic is different, here are some tips on how to prioritize yourself when you’re in a partnership.

1. Make Open Communication a Priority

The first step in putting yourself first in a relationship is to get on the same page as your significant other. Discussing boundaries and figuring out what works best for both of you to get what you need is an ongoing process, and requires having more than one conversation. Although, having an initial chat about your needs is definitely the first step towards this kind of communication becoming habitual.

Here are some questions for both you and your partner to consider, and discuss:

• What boundaries are important to you and why?
• What does personal time look like to you? How often do you need it?
• Is there anything you need to grow and flourish on your own, outside of the relationship, that you’re not currently getting?

These are just jumping-off points from which to start discussing what loving yourself might look like in (and outside of) your relationship. As time goes on, hopefully taking space for yourself and enforcing boundaries will become more natural for both of you. But your partner can’t read your mind, and vice versa. Assuming this tends to create a dysfunctional dynamic.

2. Invest In Your Passions

While it’s great to share interests with your partner, and can certainly enhance the relationship, having your own hobbies separate from each other is a perfect way to maintain your own independence and identity. When you’re dating someone, it’s easy to fall into spending all of your free time together. But if you feel out of touch with yourself, revisiting a passion or hobby could help remedy that. Plus, it could be a way to involve yourself in a community (even during Covid) — this might be as simple as a virtual book club or language class!

Related

3. Consciously Maintain Other Relationships

Jumping off of the above point, having a community of important people in your life and social circle outside of your relationship is vital for your mental health. It’s easy for friendships to fall by the wayside as you grow older, and it’s especially easy now that seeing our pals is considering a health concern! But your partner should not be your everything, and friendships, family relationships and your community in general help feed your soul and human need for socialization.

4. Literally Schedule Out Alone Time

This might be a bit awkward at first, and will look different for everyone. While taking intentional time to yourself in an ongoing way will eventually become less forced, it might require a calculated approach to begin with. Particularly if you are confined to your apartment with your partner due to the pandemic, giving each other space will have to be planned out. And that’s okay! It’s healthy.

Maybe this means taking turns going on long solo walks, so that one person has the ability to clear their head outdoors, and the other can have the home to themselves for a few precious hours. Or if you don’t live together, this could look like deciding on a predetermined amount of instances you’ll see each other during the week, so that you can also incorporate both personal and social time (even if it’s on Zoom!) into your routine. However this looks for you and your person, hopefully carving out space will not only improve your approach to self-love, but also mean your time spent together is more meaningful.

Ashley is a freelance writer and on-going contributor at TFD based in Toronto. An avid traveler, she recently returned home to Canada after two years living abroad in Vietnam and Japan. She loves to read, try new things in the kitchen, and get outside. You can learn more about her work here and can follow her adventures on Instagram @ashley_corb.

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.”

The idea of loving yourself often seems cliché. We throw around the phrase, but do we really understand what it means? Do we actually know how to love ourselves? Or what the process of self love even looks like?

I really believe that everything in our lives is directly affected by how much we love ourselves, but I’m often at a loss for words when trying to articulate what is really all about. In my attempts to answer these questions, I am excited to have come up with a little analogy that I feel really pulls it all together. So I figured I’d share, in the hopes that you all can explore and expand on this concept with me.

To start, think of people are like cars. In order for a car to function properly you need to fill its tank with gas. So in order for us to feel as centered, loving, and grounded as we’d like, our “love tanks” need to be full.

When our love tanks are full, we have the energy and patience to give love to the world around us; but when we are running on empty, that’s how we feel: empty.

With an empty love tank, we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, sad, you name it. And that’s how we treat others, which can ultimately lessen their love tanks too.

If you think about the people you know and love, and make a mental image of their love tanks, how full do they seem to you overall? If you look at yours, in this moment, how full is it?

Remember our love tanks have the potential to shift throughout our days and lives.

So how do we fill our love tanks?

Many people go for the quick fix; we find some temporary external source to fill our love tanks with, to get rid of the yucky feeling that comes with an empty love tank.

We go to the fridge, get a drink, call up an ex, smoke a cigarette—anything that gives us a temporary high and a feeling of relief from the discomfort from an empty love tank (which ultimately ends up emptying out even more, starting the cycle all over again).

Sometimes we go for more “positive fillers” that may seem to be what we need: giving to others, being social, getting love from someone else. These may not be as detrimental as the previously mentioned fillers, but they still make us dependent on an external source to fill our tanks.

So how do we fill our love tanks?

The answer is simple: with love.

Seems obvious, right? So why is it so hard to do? Unfortunately, our schools didn’t teach us to process of self love, and as humans, it doesn’t happen naturally, so it’s not surprising that we don’t necessarily know how to do it.

The first thing we need to do is decide whether we actually believe we are lovable.

Most people feel that only “certain parts” of themselves are lovable. For example, “my kind, happy self is lovable, but my sad, lonely self needs to stay hidden away, because no one would love that part of me.” This is where the process of self-hate actually starts depleting the love tank.

We do it unconsciously all day, every day. Just pay attention. Any time we are comparing, judging, or simply being negative we are depleting our love tanks, which makes us feel bad, and therefore makes us want to do it more. So how do we get out of this pattern?

First we need to realize we are in it, and we have no control over it.

What do I mean we have no control over it? Turn off your thoughts for a solid minute and don’t think of anything. Doesn’t work, right? Why? Because our minds have a “mind” of their own. They simply run on the “programs” that were “installed” in them during our childhoods.

Each of us have different types of mind chatter (and feelings), because we all had different life experiences that created them. Taking the time to learn about the chatter of our minds is what psychology is all about, and something I highly recommend we all do for ourselves.

But at some point we need to learn how to get beyond that chatter and get it to chill out. Through the practice of self observation we begin to see and understand the chatter of our minds; and with some work, we can learn how to better deal with it, which ultimately is the process of self love.

So here are a few practices of self love that I find helpful when trying to fill our love tanks with what they really need:

1. Validate our feelings, “It’s okay to feel bad sometimes.”
2. Refrain from judging or placing negativity on our thoughts or feelings.
3. Give ourselves a little extra comfort and soothing.
4. Listen to and respect our inner experience.
5. Reassure ourselves that what we are experiencing will pass.
6. Remind ourselves of all the wonderful things that we are.
7. Be grateful for the little (and big) things in our lives.
8. Take action towards improving elements in our lives that negatively affect us.
9. Commit to our physical health—cut back on drinking, improve eating habits, and exercise regularly
10. Invest in our psychological/emotional/spiritual health.

All of these things take time and effort and don’t happen without some intention and inner work. But it’s worth starting, in at least one small piece today. How do you refill your love tank?

In our crazy, fast-paced lives, it’s easy to be distracted from what is most important. Here are some ideas to make more time for the person you love most.

A few years ago, a woman in my discipleship group at church pulled me aside after our time together and shared some wisdom I’ll never forget.

She had two teenagers and was on the brink of a divorce. Her family was falling apart and she blamed the dissolved relationship on her own choices. In our group time I told how my husband and I were getting away for the weekend to focus on our marriage, but I was nervous about leaving the kids behind. She encouraged me not to worry about it.

“Samantha, get away with him. Don’t put the kids’ schedules first,” she said. “I did that all our marriage with sports and all they had going on. I kept myself busy at the cost of my marriage. I wish we’d taken time for each other, but we didn’t. I eventually had an affair. I regret all of it.”

My eyes grew wide thinking about my kids still in diapers. Tears welled up in her eyes as she brushed her strawberry blonde hair away from her face.

I could sense the ache and pain in her heart. I prayed for her, that God would restore their family.

What’s really at stake

Years have passed since that evening, and I still ponder her words. I’ve felt the pressure and pull of life—with four kids under age 9—upon my marriage to Jeremiah. Some days you could call it the family circus. The noise and commotion are so loud I can’t hear myself talk, and my mind is never focused on one thing. Some days are so exhausting and overwhelming that I want to quit.

It’s crazy how my husband and I can go days with only talking “business”—who’s going where, who’s doing what at what time, who’s picking up who, what’s in the bank account, who paid what bill and when.

I’ve seen how easy it is to be distracted from what’s most important. We need to understand what is really at stake when we’re running full speed ahead, making no time for the person we love most and to whom we have pledged our life.

We don’t have to live in a constant state of not-together-ness with our spouse. Instead, we can choose oneness, unity, and satisfaction. It all begins with our choices. Here are four ways to begin loving your spouse above your schedule:

1. Find a time to connect each day with your spouse.

Whether it’s in the morning, afternoon, or evening, designate undivided time with your spouse. Unplug from distractions and be fully engaged. Ask questions like: How are you doing? What can I do to serve you more? What was your greatest encouragement/discouragement from today?

Connecting with your spouse requires intentionality in the midst of life’s demands. It won’t magically happen—you have to carve out the time. In our marriage, our best connecting is when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet in the evening. Whatever time is best for you, protect and guard it like your precious newborn baby.

2. Say “no” often.

There are a lot of good things in our lives to commit to, but not all are the best things. Practicing the art of saying no could be one of the best things for your relationship.

You may need to say no to the things you love like Facebook, ESPN, Netflix, late nights at work when the work can be done the next day, an unhealthy habit, or other distractions keeping you from intimacy. When you instead say yes to the best things, it gets easier to distinguish between good and best and eventually you won’t be satisfied with good.

3. Abandon annually.

I learned this phrase from one of my pastors who practiced what he preached with his wife. Find a time once a year to get away—just you and your spouse. It doesn’t have to break the bank, but get creative and make it fun.

Book the plane tickets, mark it on your calendar, and commit to it like it’s your wedding day. Arrange childcare in advance so it’s not a huge stressor the week before. Sometimes just getting away from the familiar does wonders in reconnecting and remembering why you really do love each other.

4. Pursue your passions together.

It’s not always easy to get excited about your spouse’s passions. I don’t understand my husband’s enthusiastic drive for camping in the wild, but I’m learning to appreciate our differences.

Seek ways to be involved simply because your spouse loves it. You may not prefer sleeping with him in a tent, but you could go with him to the Bass Pro store to shop for supplies and watch him try on his gear (you may have some good laughs, too). Watch a football game together, tackle a DIY project, explore in nature, read books and hang out at a coffee shop, and more. Allow your passions to bring you closer, not apart.

An overloaded, overwhelmed schedule will always cost you something in the end. Don’t let it be your marriage. None of us are beyond temptation. Evaluate where you need to make changes and adjustments.

Remember, we all have to make U-turns along the way, and we all go through challenging seasons. Your spouse will appreciate that you made time to do all that you could to make your marriage thrive as you ultimately lean on God’s grace and strength, side by side on your journey.

In This Article

Couples seeking counseling services often ask for help with their communication skills.

I redirect them to begin developing acceptance skills in relationships. What nurtures and sustains loving intimate relationships is learning to relate through acceptance instead of judgment.

The underlying fear that there is not enough ” _______” for me is what drives the judging, shaming, blaming and criticizing in order to try to change the self or the other so that there is more “_______” for me.

This approach chases love away instead of enhancing it.

Love and acceptance in a relationship enhance the longevity of a relationship and build a stronger relationship that can weather any storms. True love is accepting someone for who they are.

Choosing acceptance

Self-acceptance and acceptance of your partner are what end the war and return you to relating from a place of composure. Composure and calm allow you to negotiate the changes that are needed with each other without feeling attacked.

This acceptance and nonjudgemental way of relating also makes it easier to not withhold or keep secrets from each other. Risking letting my authentic self handle what I normally give to my performer self, shifts me back to my vulnerable truth instead of my defensive being on guard.

The more we practice self-acceptance at very deep levels, the more resilient and safe we feel in relating from an authentic, truthful and vulnerable place.

Acceptance is the unconditional part of unconditional love

Acceptance will actually deliver what the judge or critic is trying to bring to the self and the relationship.

The first step is to start with yourself. As you practice embracing all your emotions and all your parts the duality of trying to kill off the bad parts of self and accentuate, the good parts of self stop splitting the self in two and you begin to utilize teamwork instead of being adversarial.

Teamwork is more effective than individual effort. Perceiving yourself as a team member allows for more cooperation and then a win-win scenario is possible.

How to learn acceptance skills in relationship?

Here are three solutions that can make your relationship truly beautiful and help in building a stronger relationship.

1. Come up with solutions together as a couple

3. Appreciate the beauty that everyday life offers

When I is replaced by We even illness becomes wellness. Malcom X

Looking for more tips on developing acceptance skills in relationship? Here’s how to accept your partner for who they are.

• You do not have to subscribe to the same belief system as your partner’s, and you are definitely entitled to follow your own value system. But you must acknowledge their opinions and learn to respectfully disagree.
• A relationship is an immersive experience and you should learn to embrace your partner’s flaws and imperfections as unconditionally as you accept their positive traits.
• Don’t impose your opinions on your partner to compel them into becoming who you would like them to be. Be a gentle guiding force, operate from a place of patience and kindness. Respect your differences.
• If their decisions confuse you or you find a lack of alignment between your goals with them, try to understand where they are coming from. You don’t have to kowtow or agree with them, place trust in their decision-making abilities.
• Be mature and don’t make the mistake of drawing unfair comparisons. The most painful thing you can ever do to your partner is comparing them with people around you or individuals you have met in the past. Accept and appreciate your partner’s individuality.
• Don’t reheat and serve the sins of your partner’s past to them, day after day, in breakfast, lunch or dinner. Forgive, let go and move on. Forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating abusive or toxic behavior. But if you have chosen to forgive your significant other and they have changed for better, don’t let their past mistakes define their present.
• Treat your partner as your equal counterpart. Refrain from downgrading or belittling your partner and strive to create long-lasting relationship equality with your spouse.
• While it’s fun to do things together, accept that you both will have certain different interests that you would pursue individually. Respecting each individual’s desires and interests in a relationship is non-negotiable to relationship happiness.

Accepting someone for who they are in a relationship

Love is acceptance and loving someone fully and unconditionally for who they are.

On how to make a relationship stronger, radical acceptance in relationships can help foster respect, love, care, and growth in a relationship. The best way of developing acceptance skills in relationship is to be proud of your partner’s milestones achieved, big or small.

Recognize their wins publicly, acknowledge the hardships of their journey, and compliment them on their personality, smile, thoughtfulness, compassion, and several other things that make them special.

By not focusing on your partner’s flaws and learning to accept them for who they are in a relationship you will bring genuine happiness in their most insipid days, inspiring them to grow as a better person.

Accepting ourselves, practicing self-compassion and expressing gratitude to your partner for being there in your life both as who they are, and who they are not, will empower your relationship dynamics. Remember to approach your relationship as a true partnership of two equals.

I work with EMDR, NLP, meditation, breathwork and motivational interviewing to strengthen both individuals so that the relationship can completely transform. Learn to love yourself and instead of trying to change each other, accept your partner the way they are.

Dear Virgie,

I have spent the last year embracing my body and reading up on fat acceptance. I feel like I’m in a really good place with it and so are most of my friends and family. They might not agree or understand but, if that’s so, they have kept it to themselves.

Anyway … I’m having a hard time explaining my outlook to new people I meet without imposing the same sort of judgment that has been put on me in the past. Meaning I really don’t want to give people shit for wanting to change their bodies when, in the past, people have given me shit for not working out and/or dieting.

Basically … How do I refrain from being a judgmental hypocrite while expressing my passion for my self-acceptance?

Love and thanks,
Holly

I love the thoughtfulness and generosity you are bringing to your process. Really important.

I read your letter a few times in order to really hear you because I found myself imposing meaning on the part about hypocrisy. I started to write about how refusing to participate in diet culture isn’t the same as people expecting you to change your body, but you are talking about the avoidance of passing judgment. With that being said, I think it is so challenging and fruitful to point our critical lens inward as we are making substantive changes to our lives.

Anyway, my thoughts on your question are inspired by my friends who are vegans, and who have taught me about the power of compassionately articulating a politic that many people find a little intimidating. I have three suggestions:

1. Prioritize the Internal Work.

I think the most important part of this process you are undertaking is the internal piece. I advocate for taking the time to release judgment of others — while being patient with yourself. Everyone has judgment feels sometimes, especially in arenas where we have experienced harm. I also think it is important to really own that this is a choice that matters to you and is very personal to you. And finally, accept that there will be many people who do not share your politics and that does not make them bad or inferior people. It is OK if you exercise ideas that prioritize taking care of you, even if that means they are different from the people around you.

Damn, as I am writing this I am realizing how hard this work is! Shit. I know for me being judgmental is my defense/survival mechanism, and it makes me feel like I can create safety for myself and protect me against future pain or disappointment. Moral superiority is an ideology that lots of traumatized and hurt people practice — including me! — and I am learning how to let that go FOR ME, not to make anyone else’s life easier. So I am writing to myself too as I write to you.

2. Figure Out Your Boundaries.

Back to you. It is also helpful to take the time to think about what you want to express to people and what boundaries you have.

Figuring out your boundaries and how to articulate them is kinda hard, but feel no shame as you make these decisions and recognize that they are not static and will change as you do. So, for instance, I no longer find it upsetting when people talk about their dieting behavior. I find it a little boring maybe, and it is a little awkward when they are waiting for the commiseration and I just smile and nod, but it does not set my teeth on edge. So diet talk is not a boundary for me.

Overt mockery of fat people is a boundary for me, though. So I will just say something like “girl, chill out with the bigotry” or excuse myself. It doesn’t have to be a big ol’ thing or a full-on intervention. Most people get it. Give them the benefit of the doubt unless they have given you reason not to. Also can I just say that it is totally OK not to take on every person who says something messed up. People believe what they believe because they feel they must believe it, and if you want to be generous and help them out then great, but you don’t owe that to anyone.

3. Have a Script in Mind.

Finally, flesh out a little script that is succinct, personal, in your voice and feels authentic to you. You don’t have to memorize it or anything, but have a few bullet points in mind.

I have a script around this, and it usually comes up around work conversations with people. When people ask what I do professionally, I talk about “lecturing and writing on body image.” This language is vague but it is also clear enough that people who, like, hate feminism typically choose to change the subject and people who are curious proceed with follow-up questions. This gives both of us some wiggle room. Maybe they don’t want to hear about how I’m a mouthy fat feminist and I’m not trying to get into an hour-long intervention convo with everyone who asks me what I do because they can’t think of anything else to ask me at a dinner party, ya know? I feel like this language works for me because it treats both me and new people with generosity.

If they inquire further, then I tell them about how I started to do research on the history of dieting and how it affects women’s lives and that led to some really big changes in my own life. If I felt that people were getting defensive I might add, “I do not have a problem with people who diet, but doing this work is a really important thing to me.”

Going back to the boundaries piece, as you figure out what your boundaries are, it is a good idea to draft some scripts for moments when those boundaries come up and you are with someone you do not know well.

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.”

The idea of loving yourself often seems cliché. We throw around the phrase, but do we really understand what it means? Do we actually know how to love ourselves? Or what the process of self love even looks like?

I really believe that everything in our lives is directly affected by how much we love ourselves, but I’m often at a loss for words when trying to articulate what is really all about. In my attempts to answer these questions, I am excited to have come up with a little analogy that I feel really pulls it all together. So I figured I’d share, in the hopes that you all can explore and expand on this concept with me.

To start, think of people are like cars. In order for a car to function properly you need to fill its tank with gas. So in order for us to feel as centered, loving, and grounded as we’d like, our “love tanks” need to be full.

When our love tanks are full, we have the energy and patience to give love to the world around us; but when we are running on empty, that’s how we feel: empty.

With an empty love tank, we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, sad, you name it. And that’s how we treat others, which can ultimately lessen their love tanks too.

If you think about the people you know and love, and make a mental image of their love tanks, how full do they seem to you overall? If you look at yours, in this moment, how full is it?

Remember our love tanks have the potential to shift throughout our days and lives.

So how do we fill our love tanks?

Many people go for the quick fix; we find some temporary external source to fill our love tanks with, to get rid of the yucky feeling that comes with an empty love tank.

We go to the fridge, get a drink, call up an ex, smoke a cigarette—anything that gives us a temporary high and a feeling of relief from the discomfort from an empty love tank (which ultimately ends up emptying out even more, starting the cycle all over again).

Sometimes we go for more “positive fillers” that may seem to be what we need: giving to others, being social, getting love from someone else. These may not be as detrimental as the previously mentioned fillers, but they still make us dependent on an external source to fill our tanks.

So how do we fill our love tanks?

The answer is simple: with love.

Seems obvious, right? So why is it so hard to do? Unfortunately, our schools didn’t teach us to process of self love, and as humans, it doesn’t happen naturally, so it’s not surprising that we don’t necessarily know how to do it.

The first thing we need to do is decide whether we actually believe we are lovable.

Most people feel that only “certain parts” of themselves are lovable. For example, “my kind, happy self is lovable, but my sad, lonely self needs to stay hidden away, because no one would love that part of me.” This is where the process of self-hate actually starts depleting the love tank.

We do it unconsciously all day, every day. Just pay attention. Any time we are comparing, judging, or simply being negative we are depleting our love tanks, which makes us feel bad, and therefore makes us want to do it more. So how do we get out of this pattern?

First we need to realize we are in it, and we have no control over it.

What do I mean we have no control over it? Turn off your thoughts for a solid minute and don’t think of anything. Doesn’t work, right? Why? Because our minds have a “mind” of their own. They simply run on the “programs” that were “installed” in them during our childhoods.

Each of us have different types of mind chatter (and feelings), because we all had different life experiences that created them. Taking the time to learn about the chatter of our minds is what psychology is all about, and something I highly recommend we all do for ourselves.

But at some point we need to learn how to get beyond that chatter and get it to chill out. Through the practice of self observation we begin to see and understand the chatter of our minds; and with some work, we can learn how to better deal with it, which ultimately is the process of self love.

So here are a few practices of self love that I find helpful when trying to fill our love tanks with what they really need:

1. Validate our feelings, “It’s okay to feel bad sometimes.”
2. Refrain from judging or placing negativity on our thoughts or feelings.
3. Give ourselves a little extra comfort and soothing.
4. Listen to and respect our inner experience.
5. Reassure ourselves that what we are experiencing will pass.
6. Remind ourselves of all the wonderful things that we are.
7. Be grateful for the little (and big) things in our lives.
8. Take action towards improving elements in our lives that negatively affect us.
9. Commit to our physical health—cut back on drinking, improve eating habits, and exercise regularly
10. Invest in our psychological/emotional/spiritual health.

All of these things take time and effort and don’t happen without some intention and inner work. But it’s worth starting, in at least one small piece today. How do you refill your love tank?

In our crazy, fast-paced lives, it’s easy to be distracted from what is most important. Here are some ideas to make more time for the person you love most.

A few years ago, a woman in my discipleship group at church pulled me aside after our time together and shared some wisdom I’ll never forget.

She had two teenagers and was on the brink of a divorce. Her family was falling apart and she blamed the dissolved relationship on her own choices. In our group time I told how my husband and I were getting away for the weekend to focus on our marriage, but I was nervous about leaving the kids behind. She encouraged me not to worry about it.

“Samantha, get away with him. Don’t put the kids’ schedules first,” she said. “I did that all our marriage with sports and all they had going on. I kept myself busy at the cost of my marriage. I wish we’d taken time for each other, but we didn’t. I eventually had an affair. I regret all of it.”

My eyes grew wide thinking about my kids still in diapers. Tears welled up in her eyes as she brushed her strawberry blonde hair away from her face.

I could sense the ache and pain in her heart. I prayed for her, that God would restore their family.

What’s really at stake

Years have passed since that evening, and I still ponder her words. I’ve felt the pressure and pull of life—with four kids under age 9—upon my marriage to Jeremiah. Some days you could call it the family circus. The noise and commotion are so loud I can’t hear myself talk, and my mind is never focused on one thing. Some days are so exhausting and overwhelming that I want to quit.

It’s crazy how my husband and I can go days with only talking “business”—who’s going where, who’s doing what at what time, who’s picking up who, what’s in the bank account, who paid what bill and when.

I’ve seen how easy it is to be distracted from what’s most important. We need to understand what is really at stake when we’re running full speed ahead, making no time for the person we love most and to whom we have pledged our life.

We don’t have to live in a constant state of not-together-ness with our spouse. Instead, we can choose oneness, unity, and satisfaction. It all begins with our choices. Here are four ways to begin loving your spouse above your schedule:

1. Find a time to connect each day with your spouse.

Whether it’s in the morning, afternoon, or evening, designate undivided time with your spouse. Unplug from distractions and be fully engaged. Ask questions like: How are you doing? What can I do to serve you more? What was your greatest encouragement/discouragement from today?

Connecting with your spouse requires intentionality in the midst of life’s demands. It won’t magically happen—you have to carve out the time. In our marriage, our best connecting is when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet in the evening. Whatever time is best for you, protect and guard it like your precious newborn baby.

2. Say “no” often.

There are a lot of good things in our lives to commit to, but not all are the best things. Practicing the art of saying no could be one of the best things for your relationship.

You may need to say no to the things you love like Facebook, ESPN, Netflix, late nights at work when the work can be done the next day, an unhealthy habit, or other distractions keeping you from intimacy. When you instead say yes to the best things, it gets easier to distinguish between good and best and eventually you won’t be satisfied with good.

3. Abandon annually.

I learned this phrase from one of my pastors who practiced what he preached with his wife. Find a time once a year to get away—just you and your spouse. It doesn’t have to break the bank, but get creative and make it fun.

Book the plane tickets, mark it on your calendar, and commit to it like it’s your wedding day. Arrange childcare in advance so it’s not a huge stressor the week before. Sometimes just getting away from the familiar does wonders in reconnecting and remembering why you really do love each other.

4. Pursue your passions together.

It’s not always easy to get excited about your spouse’s passions. I don’t understand my husband’s enthusiastic drive for camping in the wild, but I’m learning to appreciate our differences.

Seek ways to be involved simply because your spouse loves it. You may not prefer sleeping with him in a tent, but you could go with him to the Bass Pro store to shop for supplies and watch him try on his gear (you may have some good laughs, too). Watch a football game together, tackle a DIY project, explore in nature, read books and hang out at a coffee shop, and more. Allow your passions to bring you closer, not apart.

An overloaded, overwhelmed schedule will always cost you something in the end. Don’t let it be your marriage. None of us are beyond temptation. Evaluate where you need to make changes and adjustments.

Remember, we all have to make U-turns along the way, and we all go through challenging seasons. Your spouse will appreciate that you made time to do all that you could to make your marriage thrive as you ultimately lean on God’s grace and strength, side by side on your journey.

Being in a committed relationship is one of the coolest things in life. Having a best friend forever that you can both talk to about anything and kiss and cuddle all the time is pretty great.

People in successful relationships often display some common behaviors. Although being in a relationship is wonderful, being in a truly bonded partnership is even better.

If you’re in a new relationship and think that you might have found the person you want to be with forever, you may be wondering if there is anything you can do to keep your relationship healthy, happy, and lasting long-term.

The following nine behaviors are great things to do to make sure your partner wants to stay in it for the long haul:

1. Accept Them For Who They Are

Those in successful couplings each accept the other for exactly who they are, with no desire or attempt to change their partner.

I don’t have exclusively good habits, of course. We’re all guilty of being less than our best selves sometimes. I can be a little moody when I’m hungry or sleepless, and I can be a bit careless sometimes, too. I’m also just generally pretty weird.

The important thing is that none of that matters to my husband. He accepts me completely and it’s awesome.

We all want that. By showing your partner unconditional love and acceptance, you’ll ensure that they feel great with you and never want to let go.

2. Give Them Space Without You

Too many of us fall into what I like to call the “constant togetherness” trap of relationships. We think that a healthy relationship means that we do everything with our partner.

A good relationship should have a lot of together time, of course, but it should also leave space for each person in the relationship to continue to be their own individual self.

Space is critical to me, so I let my husband know early on I wanted us to prioritize our individualityВ in our marriage. He felt the same way, and we’ve built a great relationship where we get to be “married,” but then we also get to be ourselves.

Giving your partner space without you, confidently and respectfully, will be like a breath of fresh air for them. It’ll keep your relationship strong over the long haul so they want to be with you forever.

3. Appreciate Them

A simple “thank you” goes a long way, but many of us are guilty of forgetting to thank our partner for the little things.

It doesn’t matter if your partner does the same household duties every day or if they just did something really special for you; being appreciated never gets old. I thank my husbandВ for folding the laundry every time he does it, even though he does it every week. It’s just nice to remind your partner that you see their contributions and value them.

If you truly want your partner to not be able to imagine life without you, make sure you appreciate them every chance you get.

4. Let Them Get Upset

It may not be something you think of about successful relationships, but the happiest couples tend to accept all of their partner’s emotions, including anger or upsetness.

My husband and I don’t fight at all, but that doesn’t mean that I’m still not a cranky jerk sometimes. It can be just that my favorite chocolate isn’t at the store or that I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, and I’ll end up walking around grumpy and huffy.

Even if the reason is stupid (which it often is), my husband lets me be upset and is there with me for it.

Letting your partner have whatever emotions they want to will make them feel even more loved and will make them want to stick around.

5. Apologize When You’re Wrong (And When You’re Not)

Relationships aren’t about keeping score, they are about keeping the love.

It’s important to apologize in situations where you are wrong. But that said, it’s also important to apologize when you’re not. Apologies aren’t exclusive to who was right and wrong in an argument, they are about acknowledging mistakes you might have made in the communication or interaction.

If you are humble enough to apologize in your relationship, it’ll last forever.

6. Keep Your Relationship Sacred

In the age of social media and brunch with besties, not too many of us place a high premium on keeping our relationships sacred.

Although I really do love sharing photos of my husband on my Facebook and Instagram, we also had a very serious talk before we got married where I told him it was important to me to keep our relationship sacred. What I meant by this was that I never wanted to be the couple badmouthing each other to our friends, even just in jest. I wanted to be a united team, at all times, and make sure other people knew it.

Your partner will appreciate it if you choose to keep your relationship close to your heart, and they’ll never want to let you go.

7. Take Care Of Yourself

No matter what else is going on, I make sure I hop out of bed at 5 a.m. for the first part of my workout (sometimes I do the second part later in the day). I also pay close to attention to whether I’m continuing to do the things that nurture me, like reading alone and journaling. It helps nurture my marriage because I’m continuing to nurture myself.

Taking care of yourself should be something you remember to do every day. If your partner sees your commitment to bettering yourself, they’ll love you even more and want to be with you forever.

8. Use Their Love Language

Realizing that we don’t all love and want to be loved the same exact way is really important in long-term relationships.

Love LanguagesВ are a tool to help you and your partner discover the ways each of you communicates best in love. There are five different styles: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Essentially, the love languages help each of you better connect in your relationship by providing love in the way that it’s needed.

My husband and I took the love languages test early on in our relationship. His primary love language is physical touch, which means he likes to be cuddled and close all the time. Mine is words of affirmation, which means I like hearing him say nice things. It’s helped us understand each other tremendously.

By learning your partner’s love language, you’ll show that you truly want to know as much about them as possible and give them what they needed emotionally.

9. Grow With Them

No relationship stays static over time, so one of the best ways to make sure your partner wants to be with you for the long haul is to continue to grow with them.

Growing with your partner means continuing to do the things they’re interested in, supporting their new hobbies and habits, and constantly putting yourselves in new and different situations so that you have things to adapt to and talk about.

My husband and I are big fans of doing anything wild that comes our way, from a body painting adventure we did to our next international trip. It keeps our marriage fresh, alive, and consistently moving forward.

Growing in the relationship will make your partner feel like they have a true companion in life and it’ll ensure they want to hold on to you forever.

Every couple is different, but the happiest and most successful couples have a lot in common. Doing these things will make your partner feel loved, accepted, supported, and valued, and it’ll help you keep a long and happy relationship with them.