How to end a toxic friendship

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By removing yourself from a toxic friendship, you are showing great honesty, courage, and strength, . [+] says Empowerment Coach, Remy Blumenfeld

Are you stuck in a toxic friendship that you’d like to end? Do you still pretend to be close with someone who you no longer trust or respect?

Perhaps the two of you were once on the same track, and you’ve taken divergent paths? The fact is, having a “friend” whose choices and values undermine yours can feel as exhausting as having a friend who has not grown or moved on since you first met. Read my earlier piece for Forbes on the 5 signs of a toxic friendship.

When we really delve into the reasons for why we can’t let something go, says organizational expert, Marie Kondo, there are only two: “an attachment to the past or a fear for the future. The space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming now, not for the person we were in the past. Keep only those things that speak to your heart.”

There are of course many ways to end a friendship. You can phase them out and hope they won’t notice your weekly visits are now monthly and then yearly. You can block them completely and simply disappear, pretending not to see them if they bump into you on the street. But, these are the coward’s ways out.

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“Of course, there can be resistance toward difficult relationship conversations. At first, there might be a sense that it’s too much effort, too formal or that we don’t have the words,” says London-based psychotherapist, Jared Green. “Often beneath these thoughts are the feelings associated with the prospect of conflict. But if we focus on our own feelings and behaviors, these conversations may even be quite releasing.”

Start by appreciating your friend. Go back to the beginning of your relationship. This part goes something like this: “When we first met, and for many years I felt free/easy/joyous/seen/heard in this friendship.”

Chances are, you haven’t been truthful about what’s going on for you, so apologize for to your own dishonesty. “I need to apologize to you for not being honest with you. I have not felt free/easy/joyous/seen/heard in this friendship for some time and I should have said something earlier.”

Then share exactly how you feel when you’re with them these days. “These days, when we’re together, I don’t feel able to be myself. I feel trapped by your idea of who I once was, but no longer want to be/ I feel powerless to express what really matters to me/ I am confronted by your values and choices which are so different from mine.”

Finally, declare a new possibility that you would be comfortable with. This part of the conversation goes something like:

“Although the friendship we once had will always be very important to me, I no longer want to see you every weekend/spend vacations together/ call you every week. Would you be open to us still meeting a couple of times a year/ not arranging to meet in the future and being cordial to one another if we bump into each other by chance?” If possible, it is best for you both to agree on the terms, in the end, it is up to you to stand firm. If you cannot stomach meeting with your friend in the future, don’t offer it.

One word of caution: often “toxic” friends can’t resist having the last word. When a friend protests that actually it’s they who no longer want to be friends with you, or say they’d rather never see you again, when you suggested meeting up twice a year, don’t fight it. It may seem spiteful of them, but it’s actually a blessing. No matter who ends the friendship, you are doing each other an enormous service.

“None of this is cruel,” advises The School Of Life, “We are just liberating two people to go out and henceforth do greater justice to the deeper promises of friendship.”

I work in sectors fuelled by innovation and creativity, including Arts and Culture, media, television, film, fashion and advertising. My clients include founders of arts

I work in sectors fuelled by innovation and creativity, including Arts and Culture, media, television, film, fashion and advertising. My clients include founders of arts organizations, worldwide ad agencies and TV production companies. My specialty is working with founders of content companies who want to grow and sell. Before training as a coach, I launched my first TV Production company out of my bedroom and sold it eight years later to the world’s largest production company. I have served the creative board of Endemol UK and later the board of ITV Studios where I was the director of Formats I have been a special advisor to TF1, France’s leading commercial broadcaster. I have led creative forums for Cap Gemini University in Les Fontaine and have worked with the London Business School on their programme for Entrepreneurs. I have created, produced and sold dozens of the world’s most groundbreaking, successful reality TV shows. Often the TV shows I have produced have been about exploring the edges of society. I have twice been ranked in the top twenty most influential gay people in the UK by the Independent on Sunday and have been featured in the New York Times, The Sunday Times, The Financial Times, Drum, Broadcast, The Hollywood Reporter, Monocle. I first certified first as a counselor (Institute of Counseling) then as a grief counselor before completing the core curriculum at Landmark Education and subsequently working intensely with three of the world’s pre-eminent leadership coaches. I am qualified as a co-active coach from CTI, the Coaches Training Institute, which is the world’s oldest coach training body.

Ending a Negative Relationship

Ending a friendship is never easy, but if the relationship has been a toxic one, you need to take special care to move on without added drama. Because a toxic friendship can make you doubt yourself and the relationship, you need to be especially vigilant to make the right choices.

Another reason toxic friendships are hard to leave is that the thing that attracted you to them in the first place is still there. Maybe a toxic friend is fun to be around but also has a bad temper. When you get through the bad moments with the temper you’ll remember the fun times, and it will make it harder to decide to leave.

Knowing When to Leave

One reason toxic friendships go on much longer than they should is that they aren’t always easy to spot. Sometimes a friendship will go through ups and downs, with both friends behaving badly. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the friendship is toxic.

Other times, one friend will go through a rough time and this will cause problems in the friendship. Again, it doesn’t mean that the friendship has turned toxic.

So when making the decision to leave a toxic friendship, ask yourself:

• Is the toxic nature of the friendship changing me for the negative?
• Is this a situation that never really goes away?
• Does my friend seem to delight in my failures?
• Is my friend using me, and making it all about them all the time?

If you answered yes, it’s time to leave the friendship.

End the Friendship Without Drama

Because toxic friendships are all about drama, ending one can be difficult. If even mentioning the end of the friendship gives you anxiety, think carefully about how you’ll go about doing it. Ending a toxic friendship properly often makes a big difference in how well you’re able to move on with your life.

If you see your friend occasionally, you can always avoid contact as much as possible, with just a response here and there if they contact you. You can continue saying you’re busy until they take the hint and leave.

If they confront you and ask what’s wrong, be honest without being hurtful. It might be tempting to say, “You’re such a drama queen!” or even “It’s all about you” but instead give specific examples and stress that the friendship isn’t right for you. Never call them toxic or say that they aren’t a good friend for you. There’s a subtle but important difference there.

Tell them the times when they’ve made you feel bad, but do it with a calm demeanor, and stress the facts.

For example, “When you told Susie about my credit card problems, even after I asked you not to, it embarrassed me. You wouldn’t have appreciated it if I had done the same thing to you.”

Or, “When you get angry without warning it’s scary. I can’t be around that. Yesterday when you blew up at me in the mall it made me realize that this friendship isn’t right for me.”

Always try for in-person or over the phone contact rather than emailing. Ending a toxic friendship over email is very difficult to do. It sets up a new email fight and encourages that friend to forward your words to other people.

Don’t Go Back and Forth

Toxic friendships often end and start up again and again because, by their very nature, they lead you to believe that deep down the relationship is a good one.

You’ll recognize these moments when you think:

• If my friend would just control his temper, we could be good friends.
• If my friend wasn’t so moody, we’d be great friends.
• I don’t understand why my friend acts like she hates me sometimes.
• My friend acts so cool one minute but then behaves like a bully the next.

While the friendship might be toxic, your friend isn’t. One reason why it’s a bad idea to label a friend as toxic is that you make the decision to go back again and again to a friend that hurts you. You are in charge of your life and actions if you are consistently putting yourself in a situation where your friend brings out negative behavior in you, take responsibility.

Rather than going back and forth, think long and hard about whether you want to end the friendship, and when you do it, stick with your decision.

Reflect Back on What You’ve Learned

Never view the end of a friendship as a failure, even when it’s is a toxic one. There’s always something that can be learned. Reflect back on your time in this friendship and see what you learned about yourself.

Every friendship, even the negative ones, should teach us something that helps us be better people going forward. Maybe this toxic friendship helped you discover what issues press your hot buttons, or how little patience you have for certain behaviors. Maybe you realized that you became friends with this person because you were desperate, and you’ll know better in the future.

Whatever the lesson, appreciate it for what it is, and then mentally forgive the friend you left behind as well as yourself. Don’t hold on to the anger and resentment that might have initiated the breakup as it will only hold you back from making new friends.

We’ve all been there. A friendship that was once valuable and enjoyable is no longer serving us. The thing about toxic people is they are often hard to spot. They don’t just casually mention over coffee, “Hey, I have super-toxic personality traits that are going to completely drain you and make you resent this friendship.” Because truthfully, a lot of the times toxic people don’t realize that they are, in fact, toxic. But if you find yourself in a situation where you need to disassociate with someone for the benefit of your own wellbeing, you can do it gracefully and with little-to-no drama.

How to recognize a toxic personality

Have you ever heard the old saying, “frogs will pull down other frogs trying to escape boiling water”? It’s a cheesy analogy, but at some point in your life you’re going to encounter someone who will stand in the way of your own self-improvement. Now, “toxic” is a bit of a buzzword, so before you go ending all of your relationships because something feels off, let’s make sure we actually understand what toxic traits look like. People can be annoying, difficult, demanding and rude. Those aren’t toxic traits, they’re just unpleasant. And while you don’t have to keep those relationships going, you won’t feel the same need or urgency to cut them out of your life like those that have toxic traits. Toxicity has its own spectrum, and everyone has their own level of tolerance for it. But here are some of the most common toxic traits to avoid in friends:

• They try to control you, either directly or through manipulation.
• They disregard your boundaries. Being able to respect the boundaries of others is the sign of a well-adjusted human. Toxic people tend to thrive on violating them.
• They are always right. Even if they aren’t, toxic individuals will find ways to prove themselves right. They rarely, if ever, admit mistakes, even tiny ones.
• They play the victim. This one is the bane of my existence. Toxic people love being the victim of the world. Nothing is ever their fault when it comes to their career, relationships, even their own self-improvement. They will always find someone or some external factor to shift the blame on to.
• They take without giving. A healthy relationship is about give and take. You’re there for each other when you need it. But a toxic friend just takes and takes and always happens to be “too busy” to reciprocate. And toxic people will continue to take and take as long as you let them.
• They guilt-trip you. Have you ever had a clingy friend who manipulates you into feeling like you’re a bad person because you’re not spending enough time with them? You can be a good friend without spending every spare second with someone or needing to respond immediately to their texts. People who are desperate for that connection to the point where they create negative feelings about yourself are downright toxic.

So now what?

OK, you’ve identified the toxic traits. If you read any of the above and thought to yourself, “check, check, check,” it’s time to cut the ties. It is fully possible to end a friendship with grace and integrity. What you should not do, is ghost them. I know, no one enjoys having difficult conversations, but it’s time to put on your big girl pants.

Accept that it will be a process

It might not happen overnight. If you truly want to end the relationship with grace, you will need to put in thoughtful planning into how and when you’re going to approach it. If you refer back to the traits of toxic people we just mapped out, respecting boundaries is a big one. A toxic person isn’t going to let go easily and you might have to repeat yourself a few times over an extended period.

Do it in person

No chickening out via text or social media. No matter how you feel about this person now, you did care about them at one point and have some good memories to reflect back on. You wouldn’t want someone to end your friendship with a Post-it, a la Carrie and Berger, would you?

Have a goal in mind, and expect a conversation

Practice in the mirror or with your dog, but run through what you want to say at least a couple times before meeting with your friend. That way, you won’t get flustered and forget the most important bullet points in your reasoning. No need to deliver a monologue. Keep listening and allowing them to speak, but don’t let them take over the main purpose for the meeting. Be ready to articulate specific talking points and get everything you need off your chest.

Friends are the best…until they’re the worst – and that’s when things can get really tricky. If you’re feeling belittled, put down, uncomfortable or pressured, you might be dealing with a toxic friendship.

Being in a toxic friendship can really suck, and it’s hard to know how to deal with it. If you want to make it work, check out our guide to dealing with a toxic friendship for some tips. If you’ve tried but your friend isn’t meeting you halfway, it might be time to think about ending the friendship gracefully, even though it’ll be hard.

Cutting a friend out of your life because they have hurt you is a big decision to make when you’re feeling very emotional. Perhaps, when you’re feeling calmer, you’ll be able to work things out with your friend; only you can decide whether you want to save the friendship. A lot of people find, though, that with a little time and patience, friendships can grow stronger after moving through hard times together.

If you can see no way forward, here are some ways you might consider ending a toxic friendship.

Fade them out

The slow fade only works if you’re both on the same page and are mutually putting less effort into your friendship. It’s a non-confrontational approach that’s often effective.

Here are some things to try:

• Don’t message or call them as frequently. If you used to text three times a week, bring it down to twice a week, and then once a week.
• If it’s tricky because you’re all in the same group, you could try limiting your catch-ups to group stuff so that your interactions are less personal.

However you do it, it isn’t easy ending a friendship. Remember that the fade-out is only healthy if you’re both pulling away. If it’s not mutual, this could make your friend feel like you are ignoring or judging them. For example, if they ask you why you’re not hanging out with them, this means that the fade-out isn’t mutual.

If this is the case, or if you’d rather be upfront about ending the friendship, having a direct conversation to clear the air could work better for you.

Officially end the friendship

This method involves sitting down with the person and letting them know that the friendship is over. This is a pretty tough option and requires a lot of courage from you, the same way that breaking up with a partner would. The great thing is, it gives you both the opportunity to get everything out in the open and get closure.

Completely drop them

If your friend is being physically or emotionally abusive or making you feel like crap – for example, they call you names to put you down, physically hurt you, threaten you or control you – this is not okay. You don’t owe them anything and you have the right to remove yourself from the situation.

To stop the friendship, delete or block them on social media, or anywhere else they might be able to contact you. If you go to school or uni with them, see if you can make sure you’re not in any classes together.

But remember, cutting off a friendship can have major consequences. Your friend could become aggressive or cruel towards you, and you might lose some of your mutual friends. Make your friends aware of the situation and have them there for you as support. It’s worthwhile also letting them know that you don’t expect them to choose sides.

Breaking up a toxic friendship is something you have to do for yourself. When you move away from a toxic friendship, you’ll be moving on from a whole lot of negativity and will be free to be yourself.

Getting help

Sometimes, we need professional help to deal with the effects of ending a relationship. Also, if you think your friend needs to talk to someone, or that they’re a risk to themselves or others, encourage them to seek help.

You could visit your school or uni counsellor to begin with. These counsellors are normally available during school/uni hours and you can make an appointment with them for a free session. Check out our getting help section for more information on who can help.

If you feel like you need to talk about what’s going on, contact a phone counselling service such as Lifeline (13 11 44) or Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800).

In This Article

Here’s a startling statistic: Only half of your friends consider you a friend, too, according to a study published in the peer-reviewed, scientific journal PLOS One. Of course, not all friendships require an equal level of admiration—but how do you know when one crosses over into toxic territory? To gain an expert’s perspective on toxic friendships, we asked Dr. Kelly Campbell, an associate professor of psychology and human development at California State University, San Bernardino, to weigh in on the topic.

According to Campbell, “A toxic friendship is one that violates the norms and expectations of friendship.” Your “friends should have your best interest at heart, stand up for you in your absence, keep your secrets, treat you with respect, be trustworthy and supportive, and be happy for your successes,” Campbell explains. “When these norms are not upheld, the friendship may be toxic,” she cautions.

You set the example for how others should treat you, so be kind to yourself and treat yourself well.

Ahead, Campbell breaks down the psychology behind this unhealthy relationship dynamic, including the red flags to watch for, the psychological impact, and the necessary steps to take for ending a toxic friendship once and for all.

Signs You May Be in a Toxic Friendship

Look for these warning signs to determine if your friendship is on the rocks:

You seem to care more about the friendship than they do. For example, “You are the one always initiating plans, or you’re always available to help when needed, but they never reciprocate,” describes Campbell of this type of behavior.

They aren’t trustworthy. A telltale sign of a toxic friend is that they share your secrets with others, explains Campbell.

You feel bad about yourself after you’ve spent time with them. According to Campbell, a toxic friend criticizes you or expresses jealousy, rather than support, of your accomplishments. Instead of feeling energized and uplifted after being around them, your self-esteem takes a hit.

They don’t treat you with respect. This could include behavior such as flirting with your significant other, notes Campbell.

The Psychological Impact of Toxic Friendship

Being in a toxic friendship can wear on your self-esteem, says Campbell. “When you accept poor treatment from someone, it is usually because you don’t value yourself or have high self-esteem to begin with,” she explains. “But keeping those people in your life can further decrease an already fragile sense of self.”

“These relationships can also impact your mental and physical well-being,” Campbell adds. “When we experience stress (from various sources, including friendships), we put ourselves at risk for mental illness, disease, and even an early death. By contrast, having close, supportive friendships is beneficial for our health and well-being.”

What to Do if You’re in a Toxic Friendship

If you’re in a toxic friendship and want to end it, Campbell’s best advice is to work on yourself. “The more you work on excelling in valued domains and achieving personal goals, the better you’ll feel about yourself,” she explains. “By bolstering your self-esteem, you’ll start weeding toxic people out of your life because their treatment will no longer fit with how you see yourself.”

Campbell suggests identifying areas in your life that you want to excel in and setting concrete goals for yourself; for example, earning your degree, working out regularly, or meditating daily. “Make sure your life is balanced, allowing time to devote to working, learning, attending social events, and engaging in self-care,” she recommends. “You set the example for how others should treat you so be kind to yourself and treat yourself well.”

By Jessica Firger

January 2, 2015 / 11:55 AM / CBS News

Friendships are one of the most rewarding and important parts of life. But unfortunately, there are times when a bond we create with another person slowly begins to deteriorate and a certain friendship stops bringing emotional reward and joy. Quite simply, spending time with this person begins to feel as if it’s doing more harm than good.

It can be challenging to recognize the damage caused by a toxic friendship, especially if you’ve known and cared about the person for a long time. But if you’ve resolved to be happier and healthier in the new year, taking stock of your relationships is a good place to start.

Karen Valencic, founder of Spiral Impact and an expert in conflict-resolution, says all relationships are complex but you have to consider one crucial point: “Am I being honored and am I honoring the person?” She told CBS News, “Conflict happens when a person is not feeling honored in a relationship.”

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And this, Valencic says, goes for all types of relationships, whether platonic, romantic or professional.

In a harmful relationship, you may feel the friend is insulting, critical, needy, petty or selfish. A friend may ask for honest advice and then become angry when you deliver it, or do the opposite of what you suggest. A toxic friend may persist in giving unsolicited advice, or talk only about their own life and problems without considering your needs and feelings. Sometimes a friend may burden you with his or her own problems, whether it’s job, money, or relationship woes — but not offer any support in return.

“If every time I’m talking with someone they are saying things like ‘this is awful, this always happens to me’ this is a red a flag,” said Valencic. “Certainly, people go through stuff ,” and you don’t want to drop a friend just because they’re having a rough patch. But when there’s a consistent negative pattern, you need to make a change.

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It turns out the burden of a toxic friendship doesn’t just damage your psyche — it’s can be harmful to your long-term health. A study conducted a few years ago by researchers at the University of California Los Angeles asked 122 healthy adults to keep track of their social interactions for eight days. They found those who reported having negative experiences with friends and acquaintances had a higher level of proteins related to inflammation in the body, compared with those who reported positive interactions with people. These proteins are associated with a number of chronic conditions, including heart disease, cancer and depression.

The researchers of this study identified three types of friendships that could lead to poor health: friends who pick fights, friends who compete with you, and friends who are clingy and demanding of too much time and attention.

Valencic says if find spending time with a certain friend fits one of those descriptions or makes you feel rotten for whatever reason, it may be time to cut that that person out of your life. If the situation has become chronic, it’s time to break that cycle.

“I do think that we have patterns in life that get set up when we’re really little that we tend to repeat in relationships,” she said. “If it happens once, shame on you; if it happens twice, shame on me.”

Valencic recommends answering the following four questions about the person before making a decision:

Can I trust you?

Are you committed to excellence?

Do you care about and respect me?

Do we bring out the best in each other?

Valencic also says these are questions to ask about yourself, because ultimately the friends we have in life mirror who are. “It’s not that you necessarily attract them; you say yes to them,” she said. “It’s a matter of who do you say yes to. It’s based upon how you see yourself as valued.”

Once you’ve made the decision to close the book on a friendship, Valencic says it’s important to be clear with the person about your intentions. But, perhaps more crucial, it’s essential to let them know that you’re ending the friendship because of the way it makes you feel — not because of who they are as a person.

“You can say, ‘I care about you but it’s really hard to witness what you’re going through. I really need to end our friendship.’ You can say, ‘I don’t find this really works for me, what you’re interested in and what I’m interested isn’t the same. This relationship doesn’t bring out the best in me,'” she suggests. “If you want to be really great at [handling] conflict you have to focus on yourself.”

First published on January 2, 2015 / 11:55 AM

© 2015 CBS Interactive Inc. All Rights Reserved.

© Image by: © Author: Canadian Living

Relationships

They say breaking up is hard to do. Ending a relationship with a significant other is hard enough; but if you’ve ever tried to end a friendship you know how seemingly impossible it feels. With so much history between the two of you, it often feels easier to stay in a bad friendship — putting up with drama, competition and unhealthy situations — because you’re afraid of how your friend might react or that she may share your secrets. But ending a friendship that isn’t working can be done.

Loraine Smith-Hines, author of Toxic Friends: A Practical Guide to Recognizing and Dealing with an Unhealthy Friendship (Foxglove, 2010), offers six tips for breaking free from an unhealthy friendship and putting yourself first once and for all.

1. Accept reality
The first step to ending an unhealthy friendship is to acknowledge the truth about your toxic friend and stop justifying and rationalizing her behaviours. “Realize that you can’t change your toxic friend or her behaviour, but that you can change your own behaviour,” says Smith-Hines.

The ways that you react and respond to your friend’s behaviour is very important. If you’ve made excuses for her ill treatment in the past, it’s time to stop. Friendship is a choice, and you do not have to continue spending time with someone who isn’t good for you, advises Smith-Hines.

2. Be clear with your intentions
While it might sound daunting, you need to be honest and straightforward when telling your friend that you no longer want to spend time with her. Tell her straight out that you intend to end your friendship, no matter how hard it may seem. Whether or not she believes you is irrelevant.

“It may take several attempts to end a toxic friendship, but if your goal is to remove the negativity from your life, keep trying until you’re successful,” says Smith-Hines. It is important to use “I” statements and to let your friend know that your decision has been made. Since there is likely a lot of history between you and your friend, you owe it to her to let her know that you are going to be taking a step back.

Page 1 of 2 — Learn why forgiveness is an important part of ending harmful friendships on page 2
3. Identify your role in the relationship
“Take a look in the mirror and acknowledge your own unhealthy behaviours,” says Smith-Hines. “Your friend may be toxic, but it takes two to tango.” She suggests identifying your role in the demise of the relationship.

“Sometimes it’s difficult to see our own faults because we can’t get past the hurt, pain or anger we may be feeling,” she adds. Acknowledging your faults and your role in the negative aspects of the relationship will make it easier to identify and correct these patterns so they don’t seep into other relationships.

4. Choose a way to end it
Based on your individual circumstances, decide how you want to end the friendship. Smith-Hines suggests one of two different ways: either quitting cold turkey or weaning and letting the relationship fade away.

“Weaning worked for me,” says Smith-Hines, whose toxic relationship with a former friend led her to write her book. “I methodically decreased my communication and methods of communicating with her, spending time with her and doing things for her.”

Expect that ending your friendship will be painful. You might even miss your former friend at times, but it’s important to stick to your word. If you teeter-totter with ending the friendship, your friend won’t take you seriously.

5. Forgive
Forgive your toxic friend, either to her face or in your heart. You need to have forgiveness to finally let go, says Smith-Hines. “You must find it in your heart to forgive her for whatever you feel she has done to you. Forgiving her is the key to your own personal healing,” she explains. Forgiving your former friend doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but it will keep you from dwelling on your hurt or her drama any longer.

6. Give yourself time to grieve
Allow yourself time to grieve after the loss of a friendship, advises Smith-Hines. Feeling sad or upset is completely natural. The length of time it takes a person to grieve is very personal. Smith-Hines suggests familiarizing yourself with the steps of the grieving process. “By the time I had decided to completely end my toxic friendship, I had already experienced several steps,” she says.

In order to lead a healthy, full life, you need to remove toxic people from it. Be aware of red flags in your friendships. “If something doesn’t feel right, it’s more than likely not right. Pay attention to your intuition,” says Smith-Hines. If you decide to end a friendship, don’t put it off. The longer you hold on, the more you are to blame for accepting treatment that brings you down.

Page 2 of 2

• Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, licensed clinical social worker, mental strength coach, and international bestselling author.
• If you find yourself dreading calls from a certain friend or feel emotionally drained every time you talk to them, it might be time to end your platonic friendship, says Morin.
• She explains it’s important to be direct, honest, and not defensive when you and your friend finally have that conversation.
• Losing a friend can be a difficult loss, and it’s okay to feel sad — but remember to focus on what you learned from this friendship and how it can help you be stronger and wiser moving forward.

Healthy friendships are a two-way street. You get something out of the relationship, and you also give your friend something too — fun times, emotional support, or perhaps a golfing partner.

But sometimes friendships can feel one-sided. Maybe your pal always asks to borrow money and never repays the debt. Or perhaps you have a friend who insists on telling you all about their life without ever asking how you’re doing.

If you’ve started dreading calls from a certain friend or find that you feel drained every time you talk to them, you might decide the friendship just isn’t working out. But how do you end a platonic relationship? Advertisement

How to recognize when it’s time to end the friendship

So while it’s up to you to decide when to call it quits, here are some signs your friendship might be toxic:

• Your friend puts you down.
• Your friend asks for favors all the time without acknowledging your effort.
• Your friend shows zero interest in your life.
• Your friend expects you to meet all their needs.
• Your friend violates the boundaries you set.
• Your friend constantly ditches you when other opportunities arise.

How to break up with a friend

Or you might find that you’re able to avoid invitations by claiming to be busy or that you can’t hang out.

But there are plenty of cases where this gradual disengagement just won’t work. Maybe it’s someone that you’re going to run into on a regular basis. Or perhaps you have a mutual friend. The toxic friend would learn that you aren’t as busy as you claim since you’re always hanging out with the other friend. In these cases, you may need to have a conversation that says, “This is over.” While you might tell a romantic partner, “I’m breaking up with you,” those words probably don’t feel appropriate when you’re ending a friendship. So what can you say? Advertisement

A direct but honest approach is usually best. You might say something like, “Our friendship isn’t working for me right now,” or “I’m not interested in hanging out anymore because it seems like whenever we make plans, you cancel them if you get a better invitation.”

Don’t be surprised if your words are met with anger. Your friend may lash out and list all the things that make you a bad friend. Or if they’re especially immature, they might insist they never really liked you anyway.

Being rejected by a friend often brings out some childish and unhelpful responses in people. Keep in mind that they’re responding that way because their feelings are hurt. It doesn’t mean it’s OK for them to be mean, but keeping this in mind may prevent you from getting defensive back. And their negative reaction may reinforce to you that you’re making the right choice. Advertisement

How to cope

Just because you’ve ended the friendship, however, doesn’t mean you won’t grieve the loss of your friend. After all, you likely had some fun times and good conversations together.

Don’t try to convince yourself that you never liked them anyway or that you don’t care. Instead, allow yourself to feel sad — and to experience all of the other conflicted emotions that may crop up.

Feeling bad now can help you move forward later. It’s part of the healing process. Advertisement

You might have also learned a lot about yourself from the friendship. Perhaps you discovered that you’ve got a wild side that doesn’t come out often. Or maybe you now recognize how easily influenced you can be.

Take whatever you’ve learned, and commit to moving forward as a stronger, wiser person. And even though the friendship didn’t last, you likely gained some wisdom from your time with the person that you can carry forward. Advertisement

March 29, 2017 Updated March 30, 2017

We’ve all met that person who seems to bring the negativity, the drama everywhere they go. The person who spreads hurtful gossip or thinks nothing of screwing over a co-worker in the pursuit of a promotion. The person who makes us groan inwardly when they walk into the room because, usually, it means they will stomp on someone’s feelings with zero apologies. The person who delights in stirring the pot, who seems to enjoy creating situations that make others uncomfortable. Basically, we all know someone who is toxic.

Toxic people are exhausting.

I’ve met toxic people over the years, and they all seem to follow the same pattern. Toxic people are narcissistic, hurtful, and leave a wake of drama behind them that is often damaging personally and professionally. Because toxic people are masters at bending the truth and gaslighting, it’s impossible to know the extent of their toxicity until you really get to know them. Only when you are deeper into the friendship does it become apparent that the relationship is no longer healthy for your psyche. And it can be hard to face the truth, to admit to yourself that someone you chose as a friend is actually toxic AF and needs to go.

How can you tell if your friend is toxic? Ask yourself these five questions:

1. When you see her, do you roll your eyes and make a beeline for the other room, or does your face light up with a smile?

As I’ve tried to help my kids recognize differentiate good friends from not-so-good friends, I’ve often reverted to the “How do they make you feel when you are with them?” litmus test. Toxic people make you feel tense in their presence because you are always on guard. Further, they take more than they give, constantly demand attention, and are almost never able to remove the focus of conversations from themselves. If you have a friend who makes you feel exhausted at just the thought of hanging out with them, it’s time to kick them to the curb.

2. Has your reputation been damaged because your toxic friend drags you into drama?

It is often said that you are judged by the company you keep, and with a few exceptions, toxic people tend to have a less than stellar reputation. That toxic friend may be sweet as pie to you, and you might never have been on the receiving end of her wrath, but that’s no excuse to hang onto a friend who treats other people like shit. Being associated with someone who regularly treats people poorly makes you look like an asshole. Lose the toxic friend because no one wants to be seen hanging out with the mean girls — and because it’s only a matter of time before you’re their target.

3. Are you fucking exhausted by your friendship with this person?

Toxic friends are just plain exhausting, and frankly, no one has time to keep up with the drama every damned day. Toxic women stir the pot no matter where they go. If you are honest with yourself, you are probably dealing with more texts, emails, IMs, and phone calls than you have time for when it comes to your toxic friendship. Deleting her number from your phone and unfollowing her on social media will cause you to realize just how much time you have been wasting on her perpetual dramatic situations.

4. Has your toxic friend crossed so far over one of your moral boundaries that you just can’t even?

Often, we are willing to tolerate toxic behavior because the person has been a part of our lives for a long time. We explain away their actions as inappropriate and tell ourselves, “She wasn’t always this way,” or “She can be nice when she wants to be.” But there comes a time when a toxic person steps so far over the line that their behavior can no longer be tolerated or explained. Has the toxic person in your life gone too far politically? Have they said something that disparages your kids? Once a toxic person crosses your line of appropriate behavior, it’s time to reevaluate why they are still in your life.

5. What is that little voice of reason in your head saying?

I had to sever ties with a toxic friend a few years ago, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Facing the fact that the person was mean, manipulative, and hell-bent on making my life miserable was no easy task. But with every public slight, with every cruel word, I slowly started to listen to the voice in my head that told me that I deserved better in a friendship. After one particularly damaging incident, I finally stopped to listen to what my gut had been saying for months. It was time to cut her loose. I dropped her like a hot potato and never looked back.

Life is too short to be spending it with people who make us feel uneasy, who cross our personal boundaries, and who are constantly enshrouding us in their negativity. You might have good memories together and a long history, so “breaking up” can be hard to do, but saying goodbye to a toxic friend means saving space for healthy friendships. And that’s refreshing AF.

• Copy By: Heather Bien
• Feature Image By: Gankevych | Shutterstock

Those post-college years are often filled with friends who come and go — there’s the girl who’s always up for a boozy brunch, the workout class friend, the one who never says no a night out. Of course, you may have those friends that will be with you for the long haul, but there are plenty of others who drop off along the way.

Some of those friendships simply grow apart . You no longer need someone to hit every Thursday night happy hour with or you move to a new city and lose touch. Others, however, venture into toxic territory and you realize that an unhealthy friendship can be just as damaging and exhausting as an unhealthy romantic relationship.

But, how do we know a friendship has gone from rocky to beyond repair? At what point do we say, this isn’t worth just cutting back… I need to cut this off?

Their behavior is affecting others, and they aren’t open to changing it

In my late 20s, I had a good friend who was a blast to go out with. We had an awesome time trying new restaurants, bar hopping late into the night, and meeting for brunch again the next morning. But, as the years went on, what had been fun spiraled into unhealthy behavior. I won’t go into the details, but her actions weren’t solely affecting her — and I was dealing with the fallout on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

I’m always eager to dole out tough love, solicited or not, so it wasn’t for lack of effort when I finally cut her off saying, “This is upsetting, but I can’t be on call 24/7 to listen to you do this to yourself again and again and again.”

When someone falls into a pattern of unhealthy behavior, it can seem cruel to abandon them. However, when that toxic behavior has been addressed repeatedly and is taking an emotional toll, you have to remember that prioritizing your own well being comes first and foremost – and that may involve letting this person go.

Everything becomes a competition, and there’s only room for one winner

A little healthy competition doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Your friend’s recent job success motivates you to update your resume or their fitness kick inspires you to sign up for a half-marathon.

But, that competition can turn toxic when every conversation turns into an opportunity for them to one-up you. If you’re happy, they look for ways to poke holes in your joy. They can’t be excited about your promotion or your Bumble date that went well — they’re focused on the thinking that if good things happen to you, that means they won’t be available to happen for them .

In most cases, a rising tide lifts all boats, but when you’re dealing with a toxic friend hellbent on being the only winner at life, you’ll never come out ahead. And often, the best way to deal with this person is to bow out of their competition.

Their expectations are unrealistic

We all want to be there for our friends. We want to be the first to show up with take-out food and a bottle of wine when their latest crush goes awry and the last to leave the dance floor at their wedding.

We’re all doing the best we can to be good friends, while also taking care of ourselves and managing our work lives, our social lives, and everything in between . But, every once in a while, you’ll meet someone for whom it’s never good enough — and, it’s not just you. Nothing and no one is good enough for them. Life becomes a constant string of complaints — you didn’t pick the right restaurant for brunch, that workout instructor didn’t have enough energy, their new colleague talks too much, this salad is too warm, that date was so dull, their mom didn’t get them a nice enough birthday present.

The negativity is exhausting and their unrealistic expectations can never be satisfied. While this person may not be the worst offender in terms of toxic friendships, they’re also not someone you need in your life — particularly if you’re trying to focus on the positive in this wild world.

You’re their best, very best, best-of-all-time friend

When we think of jealousy in relationships, we typically think of unhealthy romantic partners, but that jealousy can be just as toxic in friendships — and it can also manifest itself in controlling ways .

This is the fast friend, your instant BFF, your ride or die… but there’s no room for anyone else in this friendship car. Your other friends? She finds reasons to pick each one apart and question why you’d be friends with people like them . She’ll monopolize your weekends, your weeknights, and everything in between. If you’re not hanging out with her, what are you doing? Why didn’t you tell her your plans?

She’ll keep you close by reminding you how you’re her very best friend, the only one that gets her, but remember: these toxic friends thrive on being attached to one person and it can be draining, particularly if you’re someone who values keeping a diverse social circle.

So, how do you cut off a toxic friend?

We all know communication is the key to any relationship — friendships included. The friendship may be in disrepair , but unless you feel your friend’s reaction could be dangerous, you may find it helpful to talk it out.

Let her know your concerns and why you’re choosing to leave this relationship behind. While it may not have saved your friendship, opening up that line of communication could help her find some introspection and a path to healthier interactions in the future.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do with a friendship is to end it. Unfortunately, most toxic friendships are not easy to end, and you need the proper tools to fruitfully do so.

Every once in a while you may realize that you’re in a toxic relationships with another person. The relationship is dishonest, manipulative, anxiety producing and unfulfilling. In this case, it’s time to consider ending it.

I know that many people have the tendency to try and save or fix a toxic relationships, whether it’s a friendship or a romantic one. This can be a good strategy to try at first, but sometimes you need to face the harsh reality that a relationship cannot be saved and the best course of action is to end it.

Sadly, as toxic people have this tendency of complicating things, ending a toxic friendship is not easy. This is why it’s crucial to know how to end a toxic friendship effectively. Here are the best strategies you can apply.

1. Gradually Reduce Contact

The first strategy you want to put into practice is ending a toxic friendship by gradually reducing contact. This means that you’ll slowly and surely start seeing the other person less.

You’ll make yourself less available to them and you’ll keep yourself busy with other activities. You will also initiate interactions with that person less often and you’ll decline their invitations to meet more often.

Eventually, you want to reach the point when you’re no longer seeing the other person at all, and your friendship is practically dissolved. As you reduce contact with a toxic person, they will understand that they’re falling back on your list of priorities and they will just deal with it.

2. End It Directly Using Words

The bad news is that as you implement the first strategy, the toxic person will often fight you. They’ll try to get you to interact with them as much as they want. They may try to make you feel guilty for avoiding them; they may blame you, shame you or play the victim.

In this common scenario, there is no easy way to end a toxic friendship. You’ll need to verbally let this person know that you no longer find your friendship satisfying and you want to end it or reduce your interactions. You may not like this ending alternative but trust me, it works wonders.

Your friend may again try to manipulate you and make you feel guilty, in order to get you to reconsider. At this point, it is crucial to stand your ground. Acknowledge their pain, but do not give in and do what you know is best for you.

3. Write a Letter

If you find it too hard to deal with a friend face to face and tell them you want to end your friendship that way, then you may want to consider writing them a letter or an email.

The advantage of this strategy is that it gives you time to think and it allows you to phrase your ideas carefully. Thus, it might be the best way to put your message across honestly, without being vague and at the same time without being disrespectful.

When you’re dealing with toxic people, nothing is easy, including ending a relationship. Knowing how to end a toxic friendship is the first crucial step to make. After that, you need to actually put this know-how into practice, no matter how hard it is. At the end of the day, toxic friendships are just not worth it.

Eduard Ezeanu is a communication coach specializing in social success. If you enjoyed this article, also find out how to start a conversation and discover how to be more outgoing from two first-class articles on his People Skills Decoded blog.

How To End A Toxic Friendship & Move On?

A good friendship helps us to become better, reduce stress by sharing feelings, make better lifestyle choices, and equally improves our mental health. But if you are seeing some bold signs like a betrayal of trust, pessimistic views, a lot of drama and nothing productive for quite some time, the time to say NO has come. Now you must be wondering how to end a friendship very gracefully, despite the fact that the other person will feel bad later. We will help you to find ways!

But before you jump to the conclusion, we recommend you to dive in the thoughts and scrape reasons you have decided to part ways. This step is necessary to be absolutely sure and remove chances for any guilt later. You may try to jot down your feelings and thoughts in a journal.

Does your friend lie a lot to you or he has become your rival unknowingly? You don’t want to spend any more time with him or he never fulfills any of the commitments? The reasons could be one or multiple but if you simply don’t want this friendship and you have made a decision, here’s how to end a friendship smoothly.

How To End A Toxic Friendship & Become Mentally Relaxed?

1. We Need To Talk

This method to end a friendship is just like ending a romantic relationship. Don’t rush into ending things on a call as your friend will be surprised by your thoughts and want to find ways to resolve the matter. But as you have decided to part ways, be genuine about your thoughts and keep things on the table clearly.

Call your friend for coffee and some discussions. Start the discussion with something like “I am noticing a lot of changes between us for a long time and I am really bothered about it.” Then you can explain everything. If there were any misunderstandings, they might get cleared up. But as we are considering that you have decided your goal, any kind of manipulation shall not affect your decision.

But amidst all this, listen to the other person more than delivering your message. It will help in evaporating this toxic relationship slowly but surely.

2. Moving Away Gradually

Another method on how to end a toxic friendship is to start becoming distant from your friend slowly. This way, you are not snatching something away from someone but slowly taking back the pieces.

If you begin to avoid taking calls but reply to texts, get busy with your own work, do not show yourself on your friend’s social media account, or take a lot of time in responding back, you may be able to unfriend them after some time. This step may look light to you but it can put the other person in a stressful situation while he guesses the reason for the change in your behavior.

However, if the relationship is very toxic and you don’t want to explain anything to the person, better prefer this option.

3. End It All Immediately

Sometimes situations are worse and go high on nerves. If you are experiencing chaos and cannot bear the activities of your friend, better tell them your decision with a smile and leave things where they are.

If you cannot confront the person, try sending them a final goodbye letter. A humble goodbye is better if you know someone for a long time but the road ahead is not so great.

What Happens Afterwards?

Although you have made up your mind, your friend may react in different ways. For example:

• They try to ask or beg you to come back into the friendship
• They may get hurt and start acting defensively.
• They may try to manipulate you to join them back.
• They may ask you to stay connected by other means or forms.

Well, you need to prepare for all such situations in advance. Maybe you will end up with some better results rather than a breakup or simply feel free from everything.

Wrap-Up

Breaking up or becoming strangers once again is painful and it may impact you and your friend mentally with stress. But you need to stay happy and all the efforts are meant to do the same thing. In any case, you can reach out to us in the comment section below and we may help you with advice or any post-breakup issues.

Who says you can’t have the last word?

Relationships are hard. Whether it’s your family, partner or friend, they are all the same. well, for the most part. They all need love, loyalty, a shared hatred for the same people and, of course, communication.

And while we might hate to admit it, part of growing up means those relationships change. Change can include loss. It might hurt, but we all get that some friendships end. We lose touch, we get interested in different things, but what we cannot stand is when we are blindsided by a friendship breakup.

Some people are totally willing to ghost on a friend, not understanding how to end a friendship in a mature, reasonable way.

There are people who seemingly wake up one morning and decide, “I have nothing else to do today. I’m just going to cut off all ties to this girl who was my friend for years.”

And that’s it. Suddenly, your texts and calls go unanswered. You’re unfriended and unfollowed.

You’re conveniently cropped out of all their pictures. Their profile and cover photos change to include all of their friends. except for you. In the meantime, you’re just left wondering just happened?

In case you were wondering, it’s not just you. In fact, the sad reality is that more people than you know have been ghosted by a friend.

And chances are, you didn’t get to say your last peace because, well, you didn’t know this was coming, and even if you could’ve, the main thing you’d want to do is ask why. (Although, you also would probably want to slip in a few choice words about how your life is so much better without them.)

To all the “friends” who have suddenly and cruelly cut all ties with someone you were once so close to, how could you? I don’t mean how could you do it because clearly there’s something wrong with you if you just randomly cut out such amazing friends.

But how could you not have the guts to tell us why? For all you know, we could’ve done something to change it. We could’ve talked it out and fixed our relationship to be the strongest it’s ever been.

Would it really have been so hard to send a voicemail, a note, a text, even a carrier pigeon to tell us why?

Now, don’t get this idea that without a reason we are full of self-loathing and self-pity. No. We know we are strong women that any person would be lucky to be friends with (just ask our other true best friends)!

But when you form such a close bond with someone, it hurts for even the strongest person.

Think about it. Which breakup hurts less: the one where he tells you it won’t work out because you’ve grown apart, or the one where he ghosts you after 6 months of dating?

That’s what I thought. Yes, it will hurt to talk it through and cut ties. But in the end, we would thank you for it. Because at least we would know and we would be able to move on from wasting all our time cursing you out.

So if, for some ridiculous reason you need to suddenly cut a friend out of your life, don’t be a coward.

If it’s something you feel so strongly about, tell us. Be honest. Invite us over, or come hang out for a little while. Talk it through. If it’s super uncomfortable, you can even write it in a letter or send it in a message.

And remember, most breakups are really about you and not the person you’re breaking up with, even with a friendship. Most people respond better to “I” statements instead of blaming statements like, “You always do X,” or, “Everyone hates when you do Y.”

So, be honest, but do it knowing that it never pays to be cruel. Stand by your reasons and tell us why, or be willing to spend the rest of your life knowing you’re a coward and making us wonder what we did to deserve being abandoned.

Because if you choose to leave without a word, don’t ever expect us to let you back in with open arms.

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Estee Kahn is a writer and book lover from New York City whose writing focuses on love, relationships, friendships and emotional health. Find her on Twitter for more.

When you’ve outgrown a friend it’s hard to navigate the cooling off period. Get expert tips for breaking up with a friend, without acting like a jerk.

By Flannery Dean Updated March 23, 2017

You can’t live without good friends. But every once in a while, there’s one pal you think you just might be able to survive without. What’s the best way to end a friendship gracefully (with as little distress and hurt feelings as possible) without relying on social media to do the dirty work for you?

Learn how to gauge whether or not a friendship has run its course, and if so, three ways to keep the parting short and sweet:

Signs it may be over
If you dread the very idea of calling her or seeing her, and if looking at her Facebook page gives you a migraine and/or the powerful urge to leave nasty comments on her vacation photos then your connection may well be past its best-before date.

That’s okay. You’re not a bad person. You’re just going through what Dr. Jan Yager, author of When Friendship Hurts, calls a “friendshift.”

“This ‘weeding out’ process takes place throughout our lives,” says Yager, adding that “it is those friendshifts that help us ‘fine tune’ our friendship network since there’s only so much time and emotion that anyone has for close or best friends although it’s possible to have a huge network of casual friends since they don’t make the same, or as intense, emotional or time demands on us.”

Maybe the problem is you?
Impossible, right? How could you be the problem? You’re practically perfect! Your friend, meanwhile, is a land mine of imperfection, with all of her passive-aggressive comments about your job, your cooking, and your new haircut. While that’s all undoubtedly true, it may be worth considering that the problem may still lie with you.

“Perhaps the friendship is teaching you something about yourself and if that’s the case you may want to work a bit harder to try and understand what that lesson may be before you end the friendship,” says Dr. Lisa Skelding, a relationships and marriage therapist based in Oakville.

That life lesson: “You need to stand up and teach your friend how you like to be treated,” says Skelding. That doesn’t mean overturning the brunch table the next time she says, ‘Just kidding!’ It simply means telling your friend when they’ve hurt you and that you’d prefer she pumped the brakes on her “jokes.”

Weigh your options

The great thing about friendship is that it’s an optional and voluntary arrangement, says Dr. Yager. “Once a friendship is continued because you feel you ‘have to’ rather than you just want to, it’s probably not going to last in a strong, connected way anyway,” she explains.

Just because it’s voluntary doesn’t mean that you should toss away a challenging friendship willy-nilly, she adds. Sometimes friendships go through natural cooling-off periods. Your lack of enthusiasm for that weekly lunch may just be the result of overexposure. Step back and ask yourself whether you need a break or a full-on break-up before you act rashly and unnecessarily damage a friendship.

Option 1: Let it fade out
If possible, let a so-so friendship that’s no longer working for you “fade out” says Dr. Yager rather than make a big performance out of ending things. “There’s a difference between ending a friendship and letting it fade,” explains Yager. “You may have to end a friendship if you are dealing with an act of betrayal that can not be ignored or forgiven or you feel that continuing the friendship puts you or your loved ones or your career in jeopardy.”

But if the friendship has simply run its course, then let it die a natural death. Don’t just stop calling and emailing cold turkey, slowly let the contact diminish over time. If you’re talking three times a week, bring it down to once a week.

Option 2: Tell her how you feel

If you’ve decided that you want to break up with your friend you can choose to let them know that officially too — but don’t be a jerk about it. Don’t call a friend and ask her to come over only to unload three years worth of resentment at her feet.

Instead, take responsibility for how you feel. “First of all, you have to let your friend/former friend know that it’s not her but it’s the way the two of you interact that isn’t working,” says Dr. Yager.

If you want to go into details about your decision — though you’re not obligated — do it in “a way that is kind and informative rather than judgmental and overly critical.”

Once you’ve made the break, behave accordingly. Don’t gossip about your former pal among your general acquaintance. You’ve chosen to end the friendship — not destroy it or disrespect it.

Option 3: Take the boutique approach
Don’t like options one or two? Then get creative and consider your friend’s specific personality. As Dr. Yager says, “There is no one way to end a friendship.” Maybe your pal doesn’t like puppies or yoga or vegetarians. Perhaps it’s time for you to channel your inner spirit animal while perfecting your downward dog and hummus recipe? Become the kind of person your pal dislikes and maybe she’ll go cold turkey for you.

Originally published October 2013, updated March 2017.

Quite a few of my friendships have ended over the years. The reasons why these friendships ended vary from growing apart, to having unresolved disagreements to just not keeping in-touch after one of us has moved away.

In adulthood, friendships can end naturally and sometimes for the better of both people. It happens. We are changing and growing into the best versions of ourselves during this time. In doing so, we know that there’s even opportunities to make new friends as we transition into new life phases, places and experiences.

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

But every so often, we encounter a friendship that has run its course. Yet, we are still involved and showing up on-time for the negativity, excessive shade-throwing and never-ending tension. I’m talking about the dreaded toxic friendship.

A toxic friendship can include one or both friends engaging in unhealthy behaviors with one another over the course of the relationship.

A toxic friend can be a person you have known since childhood, a college buddy or fellow employee. These friends may carry their own share of invisible luggage that causes them to show up in their friendship with you in ways that are passive aggressive, hurtful or destructive.

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Following graduate school, I was in a toxic friendship that left me feeling confused and helpless. The behaviors showing up in my then-friend were heavy: she refused to communicate what she needed, but often blamed myself and others for how she was feeling. It was difficult to show up as her friend because I felt that no matter what I did, I would be hurting her. She was wasn’t supportive of my life choices and seemed focused on her own needs more than anyone else’s. In summary, she was a toxic friend.

Photo by Zun Zun on Pexels.com

When friendships get to this place of helplessness and hopelessness, it may be time to think about what it would look like if you both went your separate ways. Here’s where to start when thinking about ending a toxic friendship:

Think about what life would be like for you if the friendship was over.

What comes to your mind when you think about losing this friend? Do you imagine yourself feeling less stressed? Happier? More relaxed? Less tense?

I felt relieved thinking about ending my toxic friendship. I thought about how much more drama-free and peaceful my life would be after our friendship ended. If positive and hopeful thoughts come to mind when you think of ending this friendship, there’s a good chance you are making the right decision.

Narrow down what your core concerns are.

Take some time to think about why you want the friendship to end. Reflect on what is making the friendship toxic and think of some examples. When ending my friendship, I shared specific examples of toxic moments with her and how in my attempts to resolve the problems, I noticed that I was the only one doing that work.

Photo by Godisable Jacob on Pexels.com

Similar to ending a relationship with an intimate partner, being able to communicate what your concerns are helps the other person understand what work they need to do in future relationships (should they choose to do that work!), as well as this being your time and space to share why you are stepping out of this friendship.

Feel grounded in your decision.

While sometimes friendships fall apart simply because one person has articulated a concern (seriously, this happens really often!), feel grounded in your decision. The aftermath might not be pretty, especially if your friend has difficulty regulating their emotions, does not hold themselves accountable and, unfortunately, cannot or will not care enough about you to hear that you too have feelings involved in this friendship.

Depending on how you end the friendship, find ways to self-soothe and avoid doubting your decision. Review steps one and two above to remind yourself that you are making a decision to better your life. And you deserve to better your life.

Photo by i love simple beyond on Pexels.com

Knowing when to end a toxic friendship can be the most difficult part. If you are in the process of thinking about ending a toxic friendship, ask yourself:

Does my friend know what my concerns are?

Has my friend made any efforts to change?

How would I know if my friend is trying to change?

What are my fears with ending this friendship? Why do I not want to end this friendship?

What’s my first step in ending this friendship?

Recognize that no matter how long you have known each other, what memories and experiences you have shared or in what ways you both are connected together, no one deserves to be mistreated in their friendship with another person.

Take some time to think about how you deserve to be cared for in your friendships and what changes may need to be made so that you feel more loved.

How have you ended a toxic friendship?

Healthy friendships are a two-way street. You get something out of the relationship, and you also give your friend something too — fun times, emotional support, or perhaps a golfing partner.

But sometimes friendships can feel one-sided. Maybe your pal always asks to borrow money and never repays the debt. Or perhaps you have a friend who insists on telling you all about their life without ever asking how you’re doing.

If you’ve started dreading calls from a certain friend or find that you feel drained every time you talk to them, you might decide the friendship just isn’t working out. But how do you end a platonic relationship?

How to recognize when it’s time to end the friendship

You certainly don’t want to ditch a lifelong friend just because they’re going through a rough patch that causes them to become a little more self-absorbed or extra needy. But you also don’t want to tolerate abusive or disrespectful behavior from someone who thinks it’s OK to take out their frustrations on you.

So while it’s up to you to decide when to call it quits, here are some signs your friendship might be toxic:

• Your friend puts you down.
• Your friend asks for favors all the time without acknowledging your effort.
• Your friend shows zero interest in your life.
• Your friend expects you to meet all their needs.
• Your friend violates the boundaries you set.
• Your friend constantly ditches you when other opportunities arise.

How to break up with a friend

In some cases, you might decide the best way to cut a friend out of your life is to just stop returning texts or calls. Within a few weeks, they may get the hint and stop trying to contact you.

Or you might find that you’re able to avoid invitations by claiming to be busy or that you can’t hang out.

But there are plenty of cases where this gradual disengagement just won’t work. Maybe it’s someone that you’re going to run into on a regular basis. Or perhaps you have a mutual friend. The toxic friend would learn that you aren’t as busy as you claim since you’re always hanging out with the other friend.

In these cases, you may need to have a conversation that says, “This is over.” While you might tell a romantic partner, “I’m breaking up with you,” those words probably don’t feel appropriate when you’re ending a friendship. So what can you say?

A direct but honest approach is usually best. You might say something like, “Our friendship isn’t working for me right now,” or “I’m not interested in hanging out anymore because it seems like whenever we make plans, you cancel them if you get a better invitation.”

Don’t be surprised if your words are met with anger. Your friend may lash out and list all the things that make you a bad friend. Or if they’re especially immature, they might insist they never really liked you anyway.

Being rejected by a friend often brings out some childish and unhelpful responses in people. Keep in mind that they’re responding that way because their feelings are hurt. It doesn’t mean it’s OK for them to be mean, but keeping this in mind may prevent you from getting defensive back. And their negative reaction may reinforce to you that you’re making the right choice.

How to cope

Just because you’ve ended the friendship, however, doesn’t mean you won’t grieve the loss of your friend. After all, you likely had some fun times and good conversations together.

Don’t try to convince yourself that you never liked them anyway or that you don’t care. Instead, allow yourself to feel sad — and to experience all of the other conflicted emotions that may crop up.

Feeling bad now can help you move forward later. It’s part of the healing process.

You could also focus on what you learned from the friendship. Are you more aware of red flags you should be on the lookout for when you develop friendships in the future? Are you going to set healthy boundaries early on?

You might have also learned a lot about yourself from the friendship. Perhaps you discovered that you’ve got a wild side that doesn’t come out often. Or maybe you now recognize how easily influenced you can be.

Take whatever you’ve learned, and commit to moving forward as a stronger, wiser person. And even though the friendship didn’t last, you likely gained some wisdom from your time with the person that you can carry forward.

We include products we think are useful for our readers. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Here’s our process.

As the old saying goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer, because that drama can be fuel for creativity. But there’s a fine line between watching “Gossip Girl” and living out the plot.

Sure, watching seasons of Serena and Blair clapbacks or reading viral articles about friends unwittingly taken for a ride thrills us and gives us life at times. But when they happen IRL, events like these can have a genuinely detrimental effect.

Not everyone we have fun with should be considered a friend.

One way to look at it? Ask yourself if they’re bringing the benefits — in the long term.

“Friendships [have] been shown to be good for our health and mental well-being,” says Hilda Burke, psychotherapist, couples counselor, and author of The Phone Addiction Workbook. Research shows that interacting with friends can make us feel less stressed, boost our confidence, make us feel supported, and even improve our heart health.

But if nights out often start on a high note but end with negatives like belittling, jealousy, competitiveness, and lack of support, it’s time to opt out. Just as good friends can improve your heart health, research indicates bad relationships have a negative effect.

Life’s too short to put up with that sh*t, and it’s not OK to feel like you’re constantly on the receiving end of someone else’s negativity.

To help protect your mental (and physical) health, do yourself a favor: Assess exactly who you do and don’t need, both IRL and online. It takes just two simple steps.

Before you start ghosting and getting click-happy with the “unfriend” button, it’s important to differentiate between occasional clashes of personalities and a genuinely toxic relationship, Burke notes.

“Some friendships can be, overall, very healthy. But there [will be] elements — maybe competitiveness in certain areas or points we don’t agree on — which can be quite triggering,” she explains. “Sometimes we think, ‘That happened, so it’s toxic.’ But maybe that’s [just] 1 percent of interactions — and broadly, it’s a supportive and nurturing friendship.”

Counselor and bibliotherapist Bijal Shah adds that it’s important to develop boundaries around what you will and won’t accept from a friend and recognize when those boundaries are being pushed.

“If boundaries are not being respected, then it’s time to walk away,” she says.

As with any relationship, however, it takes two to tango.

“[So] you also have to think, ‘What is my part?’” says Burke. “Looking at the friendship and questioning whether it’s actually toxic rather than just projecting it all on the other person… provides us with the opportunity for learning and growth.”

Once you’re confident that someone negative in your life needs the old heave-ho, be brave and take action. Tempting as it might be to simply ignore that person, there are better ways to break it off.

“If you’re not comfortable with confrontation, a letter is always good and gives them time to think,” Shah suggests. “If they’re open to discussing it… you can talk about your needs and how they can help meet them in that relationship.”

But if the dialogue turns sour and they become emotionally or verbally abusive, get out.

“It’s because they are unable to respect [your] boundaries — at which point it’s better to cut contact,” Shah adds.

Burke also offers some reassurance: “Often what stops people from ending an [unhealthy] friendship is that they’re afraid of the fallout.” Put yourself first and make a list of the ways the person’s behavior is affecting your well-being.

“Remind yourself of your goal and that your emotional well-being is more important than this friendship,” Burke says.

We’ve all heard the saying “quality over quantity,” and when it comes to friends, anthropologist Robin Dunbar suggests that might be the case.

His research indicates that our brains can maintain relationships with about 150 people at a time and, among those, only five “best” friends. Beyond that, you’re merely matching names to faces.

Look at it that way and you’ll realize there’s no point in wasting any of that precious friendship quota on people who don’t deserve you.

Chantelle Pattemore is a writer and editor based in London, UK. She focuses on lifestyle, travel, food, health, and fitness.

• 5 Minute Read

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Friendships in adulthood can be complicated and challenging to navigate. I’m not sure why this has come as a surprise to me—I suppose I mistakenly assumed all the hard relationship stuff would be over once I was done with middle and high school. I thought I would graduate from high school and leave all the bad hair, fashion faux pas, and drama behind.

I was wrong. Adulthood is just the next level of complicated, and adult friendships are just the next level of challenging.

One of the most difficult aspects of adult friendships can be deciding when to end one. Sometimes, though, the decision you need to make can be pretty clear, especially if your friend is demonstrating any of the seven tell-tale signs that the friendship is a toxic one:

1. They ghost you.

If you’ve ever been ghosted by someone, you know how much it hurts. One minute you are a part of that person’s life and the next it’s as if you never existed. Phone calls, text messages, invitations, and even acknowledgments in public just come to a screeching halt. Even if there have been hurt feelings or mistakes in a friendship, resorting to completely ignoring someone is just plain childish.

RELATED: Being Ghosted By a Friend Hurts, But it Happens

2. They are talking about you.

If word is getting back to you that your friend is talking about you in a negative way to other people or is sharing private details about you to others without your permission, that behavior indicates a lack of respect for you. You deserve better. You should be able to trust your friends to come to you directly with concerns and to be able to keep your confidential information private.

3. They hold grudges or keep score.

If your friend is someone who routinely brings up mistakes you made from weeks, months, or years ago to justify their own poor behavior, they are telling you that your relationship is not one that is unconditional. They are keeping score, and if you mess up (which you will because you are a human), they could hold that over your head in the future. Who needs friends who aren’t willing to forgive you for mistakes?

4. They don’t reach out unless they want something.

When you really take a step back and evaluate your relationship, who is doing the initiating of texts, phone calls, and invitations? Are you always the one checking in on them, following up with them, inviting them to spend time together, or sharing stories? Do they only initiate contact with you when they need support or a favor? You deserve friends who give as much as they take.

RELATED: Life is Too Short For Fake Cheese and Fake Friends

5. They try to show off or make you feel jealous.

When you are together, either alone or in a group, does your friend often make it a point to share details, photos, videos, or stories from parties and events to which you were not invited? Are they sure to highlight how close they are with some of your other friends? Actions like that may be excusable from children but not from adult friends.

6. The relationship makes you cry more than it makes you laugh.

If you look back over the entirety of your relationship, do you have more memories of feeling hurt, angry, or ignored than you do of sharing joy with your friend? What is the point of a friendship if it brings you mostly pain and hurt?

7. People around you are telling you to walk away.

Are other people around you noticing some of the behaviors listed above? Are they asking you what is going on with the two of you? Are they encouraging you to cut ties and walk away? Are they telling you that you deserve to be treated better? They are right, you know.

RELATED: Our Friendship Was Right For the Season, But We’ve Both Moved On

If any of these signs resonate with you and sound like your friend, it may be time for you to make a decision about where to go next in your relationship. Be honest with yourself—do you ever display any of these behaviors yourself? What level of responsibility can you accept for the current state of your friendship? Do you want to attempt to repair the relationship, change the relationship, or walk away completely from the relationship?

It’s important to remember that life is too short to allow yourself to be mistreated, disrespected, belittled, or made to feel invisible.

Often, when we make the decision to walk away from a friendship and we turn our attention elsewhere, we find friendships that are much more deserving of our attention, trust, and time. It’s OK to give yourself permission to want more from the people in your life.

Good friends are invaluable. They provide support, advice, and understanding when you need it most. Not all friends are good friends though. Some of your most longstanding friendships may be filled with toxic behaviors that are damaging to your personal life and your mental health. Let’s take a closer look at what defines a toxic friendship and how you can end a toxic friendship if you are in one.

What Is a Toxic Friendship?

Toxic friendships come in many forms. Some involve an unhealthy level of codependency, where on friend feels completely hopeless without the other. Some people are toxic because of their behaviors, actions or beliefs. Being friends with those types of people could have a negative impact on your life.

Think of all the friendships that you have. Are there any that leave you feeling sad, stressed or weighed down? Is there a person in your life that persistently belittles you or makes you feel unworthy of their friendship? Do you think your life would be better if a specific person was not in it? If so, you may have a toxic friendship.

Note: A person does not have to be mean to be toxic to you. In fact, the person may not be toxic to other people. This is about how that person impacts your life specifically.

Confronting a Toxic Friend

It’s possible that your friend is unaware of his actions. Before you decide to end the friendship completely, consider talking to the person about the situation. Explain why you think the friendship is toxic and what needs to change for you to continue with the friendship.

For example, let’s say your friend is noticeably jealous of you. Every time you find success, he aims to knock you down (or point out how he is better in some way). You could talk to your friend about being more supportive or allowing you to be in the spotlight from time to time.

If the relationship as a whole is toxic, talk to your friend about taking a break. This is usually the case with codependent friendships. “I think we have become too reliant on each other, and we need some space to figure out our own identities.” This shows that you do not want to end the friendship completely, but you do want to see a change in behavior.

Creating Distance in a Toxic Friendship

If you have decided to officially end the friendship, you can approach it in two ways. You can slowly stop communicating with the person until you no longer interact with each other. Or you can tell the person the friendship is over and cease communication altogether. The transition will be difficult, but you have to think about what’s best for both of you.

If you cannot completely cease communication with the person, limit communication to required settings only. For instance, you may work with this person and need to discuss matters pertaining to work. You can do that as part of your job, but avoid interacting after hours or in social environments.

Life after a Toxic Friendship – How to Improve Your Mental Health

Throughout this entire process, you can lean on your therapist for guidance and support. If you do not have a therapist, we would gladly match you with a licensed counselor near you. Contact Oakland Psychological Clinic to learn more.

No matter how long you’ve been friends with this person, they have had an influence on your life. Separating yourself from that influence will come with its own obstacles, but you don’t have to face them alone. Your therapist will help you find coping strategies fit for your lifestyle, and he or she will help you form new bonds with positive supporters. Along the way, you can pinpoint the sources of your mental health struggles and find personalized solutions for each of them.

Better mental health is closer than you think.

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If you have to ask this question, then I am really sorry for you. Please take my quiz now to help you discover whether you are indeed in a toxic friendship – and, if so, to see if it’s worth trying to repair. Good luck! I hope my quiz helps you and your friend.

Comments (183)

Hi I’m Crazymadison and I care a lot about everyone on this website! So I would like to share this with you:

It’s something that I wrote. It’s got links to helplines and websites to raise awareness and to help you. It includes helplines for lots of things including suicide, abuse, PTSD, and racism. I would be very happy if you could take some time to copy and paste the link and read through. It won’t take too long! And please comment on it, it will mean so much to me!

Also please could you share the links to anyone who needs them. I know that there are lots of people struggling so I want to help as much as I can!

one of my now ex-best friends told my crush I loved him and i wanted to hook up with him. Keep in mind I told her a fake crush and that I know she would of done this to my actual crush.
We were in y6 and she told everyone that I hooked up with him and was pregnant with twins.
She said that I had already done it with another guy when I was 4. she also said that I hooked with two guys that same night. She then punched me cos the teacher and the headteacher and the class voted me as class representative and when we had a sing off everyone in the class voted for me against her and the next day she kissed my crush and actually hooked up with him cos they did it in the girls bathroom at school. I know that happened cos i walked in on them. i asked the female teacher to come and they were so embarrassed because they were high as well.

The best thing is i never saw them again and i was perfectly happy with my ACTUAL REAL NON TOXIC friends. 😁

#slacker same she got popular in year 4 and then she started to give me orders on what to do. I was dumb and actually did what she said. she was also super fake. She told me that I was too harsh for asking for the present she was going to give me to be given to me on a Friday when my birthday was literally that Sunday. that made nooo sense thank goodness I said that I didn’t care that we were not friends. She cried and put on fake tears. Some of my guy friends asked her why, she said it was her period. It wasn’t she was faking it because
A. i took a course on how to spot a good liar and she was doing all of that sort of stuff
B. she said she got her period on February 29th and it continued to the other month. That is not how it works.
C. she dropped a note, i thought it was my note where it had the number of the pages we had to do our homework and then it said, dear diary, i tricked them i am ssssoooo popular omg the look on their faces when i told them.
I was super betrayed
D, Everyone was talking about it ever since we got the brief “talk” at school. we stopped talking about it since our trip and everyone was talking about that. on February 28 we started to talk about periods and growing up and somehow she said she had never experienced a symptom or a sign that she will get her period then she suddenly got it the next day

I chose to end the friendship cos she was soo toxic and fake

Aliza, this is just what i would do in your case. I would tell her that you had enough and that you are sick of it. Maybe tell a trusted adult. Tell her that it is over. block her or delete her phone number. This is only a recommendation.

U do what u want to do!!

Are you sure you want to delete this comment?

Letting go of toxic friends can be tough, but you’ll thank yourself in the long term.

Our friendships in middle school, high school, and throughout our lives are important. As Dr. Darlene Mininni, author of The Emotional Toolkit says, “Women and girls do create their identities (in great part) through their relationships more so than men.” But not all friendships are meant to be forever. Sometimes you may need to end a friendship.

Distancing from or “breaking up with” a toxic friend, so that you have more time to spend on positive interactions, can do wonders for your happiness and well-being. Letting go of toxic friends can be tough, and things can get awkward, but you’ll thank yourself in the long term.

Is your friendship toxic?

Dr. Mininni suggests recognizing a pattern – do you feel depressed or unhappy when you are with them but not during other parts of your life?

“It’s not always overt,” Dr. Mininni said. “Sometimes, it is very subtle – a little dig here, a little comment there. It goes past your radar, and you don’t notice it until you get home and feel bad about it. Those cues are signs that you should back out of a friendship.”

How to end it:

There are a couple of ways to end a friendship that’s gotten toxic: one of which is what Dr. Mininni calls the “subtle fizzle way.” With this method, you back off slowly. Don’t text the toxic friend as much, and don’t be as available to do things as you were before. With hope, your friend will get the hint.

Or you could say something.

“It’s best to frame it around yourself and not about them,” Dr. Mininni says. “Simply say, ‘I need a little bit of space,’ and back it up a little bit. Frame it around how you feel and what you need.”

If you’re feeling nervous about speaking up, try practicing in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend.

Friendships should help define us and shape our lives. Good friends help us feel accepted, supported, and free to explore and be ourselves. They’re a source of entertainment and enjoyment. Through hangout sessions, activities, and real talk, we can also discover new interests and ideas. So, if you’re not getting those things from a relationship, that should be a flag to you.

If you try to end a friendship and the situation escalates, Dr. Mininni recommends calling for help – don’t be afraid to turn to a parent, teacher, or guidance counselor.

Hi there everyone,

I am just looking for some help really. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have been friends with my ‘friend’ for 3 years now, and for all intensive purposes we are considered as ‘close’. We talk about the things that friends would usually talk about.

However, I have noticed that whenever I am around this friend she becomes jealous, possessive and irate, always getting frustrated at the tiniest things. I feel like I have to always walk on eggshells around her. What makes matters worse is that I am a chronic people pleaser, and I feel like I have to say yes to her to avoid any confrontation or her shouting at me. I know I shouldn’t let her control my life like this, but sometimes I don’t even post on social media when I’m with someone else for fear of being criticised that I’m not with her.

She has little to no friends, whereas I have a solid number of friends. Every time I have tried to distance myself from her, she makes me feel bad by saying that she doesn’t have any other friends. I feel like I have to bend over backwards to make her happy and I’m sick of it.

Please if anyone has any advice on what to do, I would be so grateful. I’ve tried to stand up for myself but I just can’t. I know it’s a toxic friendship but I can’t seem to find a way out of it.

Not what you’re looking for? Try…

(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi there everyone,

I am just looking for some help really. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I have been friends with my ‘friend’ for 3 years now, and for all intensive purposes we are considered as ‘close’. We talk about the things that friends would usually talk about.

However, I have noticed that whenever I am around this friend she becomes jealous, possessive and irate, always getting frustrated at the tiniest things. I feel like I have to always walk on eggshells around her. What makes matters worse is that I am a chronic people pleaser, and I feel like I have to say yes to her to avoid any confrontation or her shouting at me. I know I shouldn’t let her control my life like this, but sometimes I don’t even post on social media when I’m with someone else for fear of being criticised that I’m not with her.

She has little to no friends, whereas I have a solid number of friends. Every time I have tried to distance myself from her, she makes me feel bad by saying that she doesn’t have any other friends. I feel like I have to bend over backwards to make her happy and I’m sick of it.

Please if anyone has any advice on what to do, I would be so grateful. I’ve tried to stand up for myself but I just can’t. I know it’s a toxic friendship but I can’t seem to find a way out of it.

• Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, licensed clinical social worker, mental strength coach, and international bestselling author.
• If you find yourself dreading calls from a certain friend or feel emotionally drained every time you talk to them, it might be time to end your platonic friendship, says Morin.
• She explains it’s important to be direct, honest, and not defensive when you and your friend finally have that conversation.
• Losing a friend can be a difficult loss, and it’s okay to feel sad — but remember to focus on what you learned from this friendship and how it can help you be stronger and wiser moving forward.
• Visit Business Insider’s homepage for more stories.

Healthy friendships are a two-way street. You get something out of the relationship, and you also give your friend something too — fun times, emotional support, or perhaps a golfing partner.

But sometimes friendships can feel one-sided. Maybe your pal always asks to borrow money and never repays the debt. Or perhaps you have a friend who insists on telling you all about their life without ever asking how you’re doing.

If you’ve started dreading calls from a certain friend or find that you feel drained every time you talk to them, you might decide the friendship just isn’t working out. But how do you end a platonic relationship?

How to recognize when it’s time to end the friendship

You certainly don’t want to ditch a lifelong friend just because they’re going through a rough patch that causes them to become a little more self-absorbed or extra needy. But you also don’t want to tolerate abusive or disrespectful behavior from someone who thinks it’s OK to take out their frustrations on you.

So while it’s up to you to decide when to call it quits, here are some signs your friendship might be toxic:

• Your friend puts you down.
• Your friend asks for favors all the time without acknowledging your effort.
• Your friend shows zero interest in your life.
• Your friend expects you to meet all their needs.
• Your friend violates the boundaries you set.
• Your friend constantly ditches you when other opportunities arise.

How to break up with a friend

In some cases, you might decide the best way to cut a friend out of your life is to just stop returning texts or calls. Within a few weeks, they may get the hint and stop trying to contact you.

Or you might find that you’re able to avoid invitations by claiming to be busy or that you can’t hang out.

But there are plenty of cases where this gradual disengagement just won’t work. Maybe it’s someone that you’re going to run into on a regular basis. Or perhaps you have a mutual friend. The toxic friend would learn that you aren’t as busy as you claim since you’re always hanging out with the other friend.

In these cases, you may need to have a conversation that says, “This is over.” While you might tell a romantic partner, “I’m breaking up with you,” those words probably don’t feel appropriate when you’re ending a friendship. So what can you say?

A direct but honest approach is usually best. You might say something like, “Our friendship isn’t working for me right now,” or “I’m not interested in hanging out anymore because it seems like whenever we make plans, you cancel them if you get a better invitation.”

Don’t be surprised if your words are met with anger. Your friend may lash out and list all the things that make you a bad friend. Or if they’re especially immature, they might insist they never really liked you anyway.

Being rejected by a friend often brings out some childish and unhelpful responses in people. Keep in mind that they’re responding that way because their feelings are hurt. It doesn’t mean it’s OK for them to be mean, but keeping this in mind may prevent you from getting defensive back. And their negative reaction may reinforce to you that you’re making the right choice.

How to cope

Just because you’ve ended the friendship, however, doesn’t mean you won’t grieve the loss of your friend. After all, you likely had some fun times and good conversations together.

Don’t try to convince yourself that you never liked them anyway or that you don’t care. Instead, allow yourself to feel sad — and to experience all of the other conflicted emotions that may crop up.

Feeling bad now can help you move forward later. It’s part of the healing process.

You could also focus on what you learned from the friendship. Are you more aware of red flags you should be on the lookout for when you develop friendships in the future? Are you going to set healthy boundaries early on?

You might have also learned a lot about yourself from the friendship. Perhaps you discovered that you’ve got a wild side that doesn’t come out often. Or maybe you now recognize how easily influenced you can be.

Take whatever you’ve learned, and commit to moving forward as a stronger, wiser person. And even though the friendship didn’t last, you likely gained some wisdom from your time with the person that you can carry forward.

Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness. – Thich Nhat Hanh

People themselves aren’t toxic. Nevertheless, sometimes our temperaments might don’t align together and then”toxicity” appears. It’s nobody’s fault. We might not pay attention, although with time there comes a time when you are taken by surprise discovering something you haven’t seen all these years of being friends. Whether it is an overwhelming feeling of being exhausted and emotionally drained after you spent some time together with someone, eventually the veil has to come down.

Have you ever felt drained and utterly EXHAUSTED after conversing with someone you’ve considered a friend?
A toxic friendship reminds me of a person who would pour his love trying to water the Sahara desert getting sunburns in return!
The bottom line is… some people might drag and drain others down, not lift them up. It might be an unsupportive comment, or a remark, or teasing and wham. your positivity is long gone, and you might even feel less of yourself after communication with that “friend.”

Consequently, the influence of people we choose to hang around is significant. And it’s okay to cherry-pick them!

Creating Ultra Healthy Boundaries

When I look back at toxic friendships I had, it astounds me how much time and positive energy was wasted. Though, when I lean closer to see the detailed picture there is one thing that strikes me the most: If you ever learned something from any experience – no time was wasted after all... And even the most daunting relationships can become our great lessons.

Now that you’ve realized that some of your friendships are indeed toxic, it is a good idea to set some ultra healthy boundaries. We can let that person descend away slowly, spending less and less time together…

You don’t have to pick up the phone if that friend calls you. You don’t have to accept every invitation. When it’s completely up to you to get together, feel free to choose your own time (4 pm to 5 pm for instance), your place and circumstances you will feel comfortable with. It’s fine when it comes to setting your boundaries And it is okay to let go of a toxic friend.

It is better to respectfully decline the invitation than regret going there in the first place.

There is No Need For a Peace of Your Mind (!)

We might feel hurt because of the expectations we laid upon the way our friends or relatives are supposed to be according to our vision. We expected them to be supportive, understanding and forgiving whereas, in reality, all we got in return was a slap in the face of harmful negativity. Somebody told me: Jokes on you, pal! Less expectations = fewer disappointments. But it’s not the case here, is it?

It doesn’t matter how hurt we might feel right now; it is wise to refrain from giving a piece of your mind to your friend or a family member that you wish to distance yourself from.

Trust me; I’ve learned this the hard way.

Why not give a piece of your mind? Simple. When our wildly running emotions navigate us, it is extremely hard to put a handle on it. It’s hard not to stir into negativity and refrain from outpouring all the past hurts that the person caused you.

Let’s look at it this way: that person doesn’t think that there is something wrong and he is unlikely to see the things your way.

As a result, he will try his best to safeguard his position; you will do your best to defend yours…

Feeling Guilty? Let it Go.

There is no need to pepper spray your mind with guilty thoughts. Stop it right there. You are not dumping a friend; you are only letting go of the current state of the relationships that aren’t fulfilling anymore. You are free to clear space in your life and embrace some changes. And it’s OKAY to let go.

Does a gardener feel bad or guilty when he removes weeds from a precious blooming flower bed of pink peonies?! Of course not! By eliminating what doesn’t belong in your life, you give the light an opportunity to shine through and bring you more positive vibes.

Do reach out for people who have a positive take on life… the same take that you would love to adopt. You don’t have to have a lot in common, but a positive take on life is the best mutual ground.

How do you find those beams of light? Just keep your eyes and ears open for those who never lose their positive attitude no matter the challenges and obstacles they face in life.

Look for people who look on the bright side, and whose main goal is to spread positivity.

Having Time for Healing Time

When I was younger, I was forced to be friends with a girl whose folks were good buddies with my parents. Alex and I, on the other hand, couldn’t get along with each other. We were completely different. Like day and night, apples and oranges, water and fire. We couldn’t stand each other, and the matters got worse when she ended up in the same school, in the same class, and at the same desk as me! Our parents were excited. Myself and Alex – not so much.

This “friendship” and spending time together continued for years until I grew up and decided to cut myself free from that unfulfilling, daunting and emotionally draining “friendship.”
Suddenly, I stopped feeling obliged to “be friends” with someone who just wasn’t right for me. I’ve learned at the young age that it was OK to let go of the people, who don’t belong in your picture.

Our parents were amazed. How come that “best friends” parted like ships in the sea would part and go different directions seeking happiness on different continents.

Others don’t have to understand your choice to move on. And it’s not as we can ever be in charge of what someone else thinks of our decisions. Trust your intuition, your heart, and never apologize or feel guilty for it.

Take your time out for healing. Be kind to yourself. Any transition bears some discomfort, so be patient. Give it time.

Get ready for new friendships when your healing is already in full swing.

In conclusion

For years, we might have been in a relationship that was unfulfilling, draining and challenging only because we were avoiding to make some changes. But often we understand that some relationships end no matter how many efforts were thrown to make them work.

Life changes, people change, feelings change too. And just because we made a decision to part our ways with someone, it doesn’t mean that we need to end this in a dramatic, negative way. We can choose to say our farewells and stick to the positive memories and the good that we’ve taken out of that life experience.

Choose to remember happy moments that would only warm up your heart.

May I be completely candid?

Sometimes I see “friends” as my beloved books that we borrow. We may borrow the books for some time, but we get to keep the ideas and lessons forever.

Friendship is something we all treasure. When we are young, we base our worth on the number of friends we have rather than the quality of our friendships. As we grow, we face the difficult circumstances of watching friends phase in and out of our lives for various reasons.

Since I was used to friendships ending organically, I had never experienced a friendship ending by choice until my adult years. Trapped in toxic friendships, I worked harder than ever to bring them back to health because I believed once a friend, always a friend! It wasn’t until a friend of mine left me suddenly that I realized leaving was an option–I had a choice in the matter.

Some friends bring out the worst in us, continually steal the spotlight, or disrespect us behind our backs. These friendships aren’t real. Boundaries must be set, and we must decide to love ourselves enough to get rid of toxic relationships in our lives because some simply cannot be continued.

But how do we end toxic friendships?

Letting go is never easy because we don’t like failing. If a friendship doesn’t last, we often blame ourselves. But it’s important to recognize that we can’t get along with everyone and there is a season for everything.

1. Intentionally phase yourself out.

As I mentioned before, we often naturally phase out friendships when we move on in our lives, but to leave a friend, we must be intentional. Stop calling as often, don’t respond to texts as frequently, and definitely stop making plans to get together. A clean break will often cause drama, so phasing out is always a better, less hurtful option.

2. Have a conversation.

If this friendship has a long history, you may owe an explanation. Sit down as you would for a relationship break-up and explain how you feel. There is never a great way to say, “I no longer want to be your friend.” But, it’s necessary. Go into this conversation with your mind made up so that your friend’s response doesn’t change your mind. If you have given your friendship many chances, it is unlikely change will occur that will make a difference.

3. Let yourself grieve.

Losing a friend is hard, and it’s important to let yourself have time to grieve the good times. Then remind yourself of the hard times and the reasons why ending the toxic relationship was necessary.

Staying in a relationship and putting up with the drama is much easier than calling it quits. But respect yourself enough to surround yourself with friends who lift you up, have your back, and support you no matter what.

If you need a reminder of what a good friend looks like, watch the video below!

Remember, no friendship is perfect. But you should always be moving in a positive direction.

It’s takes real courage and strength to end a friendship which no longer serves you. Between the memories of your past together and fears of a future without this person in your life, it can feel so hard to have a conversation with someone who’se been in your life for years.

It’s tempting to imagine just ‘phasing them out.’ But this is the coward’s way.

As with so many things in life, it is possible to end a friendship with integrity and grace, so long as you take full responsibility for the conversation.

First of all, I suggest honoring your friends and the friendship you once had. Thank them for the good times, when you loved being together and acknowledge them for how you felt back then. Thank them for the joy, freedom or self-expression they brought to your life.

Next, Apologize. Chances are you haven’t been completely honest with your friend about how you’ve felt about them and your relationship for many months. Tell them that.

Now, share with them what you have felt in recent months, when you’ve been together. If you no longer feel seen by them, you no longer trust them, or you feel trapped in a version of yourself you don’t enjoy, tell them.

Finally, declare a new possibility for your friendship. Perhaps you’ve been in a habit of seeing them once a week, and you’d like to see them only over the holidays. Or maybe you know you’d feel better never scheduling to see each other, unless you bump into one another by chance. Communicate what feels comfortable to you, and ask if they would be willing to agree to this new pattern.

To read the piece I wrote about Toxic Friendships for Forbes

Remy Blumenfeld is a creative life coach living in London. He empowers leaders to play the game of life with purpose, grace and ease. Before training as coach, he launched a TV Production company which created dozens of ground breaking, TV shows.