How to Deal With Someone Yelling at You

Tips for when someone yells at you

No one enjoys being yelled at by an angry person. The experience is threatening and can feel scary. The best way to respond without making things worse isn’t always obvious, and if you’re on the receiving end of someone’s verbal aggression, you might not know what to do.

Here’s how to diffuse the situation and cope. First, though, it might help to understand why people yell.

Why do people yell?

People get angry and yell for several reasons. Sometimes, they don’t know how else to express their sense of helplessness.

They might want control, be overwhelmed, or seek attention. When yelling is someone’s go-to method for dealing with challenges, they are unlikely to adopt a different tactic unless they must.

Habit

Kids who hear their parents raise their voices to gain attention often develop the same behavior.

When they are adults, unless someone shows them a different way to deal with challenges or attract attention, they continue to yell.

Control

People may shout because they want to control someone’s behavior. They bellow to intimidate and get individuals to bend to their will.

Often, they’ve learned verbal aggression leads to desired outcomes, if only in the short-term.

Frustration

Some people yell out of frustration. They might not have the language skills to express their emotions well.

They want to be understood, but don’t know how to tell people what they want or need.

Overwhelm

Sometimes people shout because they are easily overwhelmed by challenges. They yell when they experience emotion-overload.

They might have a mental health condition, an alcohol problem, or just be highly sensitive and not have adequate coping skills.

How not to respond to someone who shouts

The worst way to react when someone yells at you is to join in and yell back. You might be tempted if you feel defensive or upset.

Yelling back, though, will escalate the situation. Take deep breaths and keep your cool. Remember your intention to be a port in the storm.

At times, you might think it’s best to comply with someone’s demands to make them stop shouting, but this isn’t the best option.

Submitting sends the message you will always react favorably when the individual yells, and they will repeat the behavior another time.

How to induce calm and cope

People who have lost control are irrational and can’t take in lots of details when you speak to them at the height of their anger. They will, however, notice your tone. Talk calmly using your everyday voice.

It’s important to let the person yelling know you won’t have a conversation while they shout. Tell them you want to listen to them, but not until they are calm. If you feel you are in danger, since the individual could become violent, go somewhere safe rather than hanging around.

It’s scary to be shouted at, but you can cope well if you stay unruffled. Use a calm tone of voice as you inform the person yelling you will have a conversation when they are composed and approachable.

They will learn you don’t respond to them when they raise their voice and they must stay calm if they want to talk to you.

In a world laced with division and conflict, how can we communicate in the face of conflict?

We must realize this:

No productive conversation can happen when someone is yelling.

The objective should be to have a dialogue.

Dialogue can only happen if both people feel safe.

When someone is yelling, they don’t feel safe.

You need to understand WHY they don’t feel safe to be able to react appropriately.

Here Are A Few Reasons WHY It’s Happening:

1. There is a gap between expectations or your opinions vary

2. They feel threatened emotionally, physically, or psychologically

3. Emotions are running strong and they can’t control them

4. They feel disrespected

5. They are projecting their issues onto you from other experiences

When someone is yelling, the stakes are high.

The situation is referred to as a “Crucial Confrontation,” which is a version of a “Crucial Conversation.”

How YOU REACT makes THE DIFFERENCE in this situation.

Immediately you’ll be tempted to react emotionally and defensively because you’re being attacked.

Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash

Remember, nothing productive can happen when you react aggressively.

Who Is This Person To You?

Context Is Important:

· Is this someone you know well?

· Is this an angry stranger who you cut off in traffic?

· Do you wish to maintain a relationship with this person?

Knowing the context, you’ll need to decide the OUTCOME you want:

“What do I want out of this interaction? What don’t I want to happen?”

Deep down you may want the issue to be resolved peacefully, and to maintain a loving relationship with this person.

Often, emotions cloud our view, and we don’t articulate what we want.

It sounds simple, but your behavior needs to reflect outcome you want to produce.

How To Bring Someone To Safety:

Photo by Joey Pilgrim on Unsplash

1. Empathize with them and validate their feelings

Ask: “Why would a reasonable person act the way they are right now?”

Put effort into understanding their point of view. Even if you don’t agree, you need to validate what they feel is real. Everyone’s feelings ARE their own reality.

“I can see how you feel that way. I would feel that way too if ________.”

2. Paraphrase

Be a good active listener. Once you’ve put on your empathy hat, paraphrase in a calm way what you heard them say. It highlights what you understand and demonstrates that you’re hearing them.

Utilize neutral language:

“If I understand you correctly…”

“What concerns you most is…”

“It sounds like you feel…”

3. Use a contrasting statement

The best way to bring about the result you want (and don’t want) is to state it explicitly.

“I don’t want you to think that my intent was to disrespect you. What I do want is for us to come to agreement about how we can get past this disagreement and ensure it doesn’t happen again.”

4. State the facts

We often tell ourselves stories about others’ intent behind their actions.

If someone is yelling at you they are telling themselves a story that is emotionally charged about your intent.

Stick to the facts and state them clearly.

Help them see what’s true and enable them to re-evaluate their story.

When you stick to facts rather than judgments, opinions, or assumptions, you increase the chance of making someone feel safe.

5. Take responsibility for your actions

If you were wrong, apologize. The easiest way to disarm someone is to agree with him or her and take your part of the blame.

6. Tell your story

It can be helpful to tell someone about your intent, or the story that’s going on in your head.

That opens an opportunity for you to add to the pool of shared meaning.

It allows them to empathize with you and understand why you acted the way you did.

7. Encourage them to add to the pool of shared meaning

The Pool of Shared Meaning is the thoughts, feelings, and experiences that people share. Successful dialogue results when everyone feels safe to add his or her meaning to the shared pool.

“Can you elaborate why you feel that way?”

8. Use “Yes, AND” instead of “BUT”

A classic rule I learned in improv comedy – use “yes, and” instead of “but.”

When you use “but” it implies everything I say after this word is more important than what I’ve said. When you use “but” you’re more liable to make the person feel defensive.

Using “Yes, and,” shows that you respect the person and their opinion, and you’re building on what they’ve said rather than detracting from it.

9. Use “I” instead of “YOU” statements

“I” statements allow you to talk from your own perspective and feelings without blaming, judging, or accusing another person.

“I feel offended,” vs. “You offended me!”

10. Don’t get caught up in the content

Things might get personal. Don’t take what they say personally. Worry about re-establishing mutual purpose and respect so you can get to a place to discuss the content safety.

**Important: Know when to give up**

Some people won’t calm down no matter what you do. You have to be able to be the bigger person.

If you can’t get to a place of safety either establish a time to come back and discuss when emotions are settled, or give them the victory and walk away.

KAREN KLEINSCHMIDT

A person who is yelling at you is expressing his anger in an aggressive manner. While your initial instinct may be to defend yourself by yelling back, that only serves to escalate the situation. You can remain calm and bring the situation under control without resorting to a shouting match.

Explore this article

• Keep Your Composure
• Change Your Thoughts
• Clear the Fog
• Relaxation Techniques

1 Keep Your Composure

Don’t attempt to problem solve in a rational manner with someone who is yelling at you. Anger engages the fight/flight mechanism and it takes about 20 minutes for someone to calm down and process information effectively, says John R. Schafer, Ph.D., behavioral analyst for the FBI. He recommends using empathic statements to allow the person to express his anger without getting caught up in it. For example, on your shift as a cashier in a department store an angry customer begins to yell at you about the price of a pantsuit. You respond, “You feel the store has issued an unfair price. Please give me a minute and I’ll see what I can do for you. Okay?”

2 Change Your Thoughts

You’ll likely feel compelled to defend yourself when someone is yelling at you. Because you feel threatened, your survival instincts kick in and you’re more likely to want to respond with aggressive behavior. Tell yourself that you are in control, while you change your thoughts to something positive like your best friend, the exam you aced or your new puppy. Changing your focus can make you laugh or smile. It will likely prevent you from reacting in a negative manner.

3 Clear the Fog

Your mind may go blank, making it hard to think when someone is yelling at you. To counteract this, have questions to ask yourself. Ask yourself, “What are two reasons he is acting out?” suggests Steven Stosney, a Maryland-based therapist. This gives you time to deflect his aggression and brainstorm how you are going to deal with the situation.

4 Relaxation Techniques

Being yelled at can trigger your own angry feelings. Using relaxation exercises such as deep breathing, mantras or imagery can help you to remain calm and in control. Words like, “I am okay” or “Relax” can help you to calm yourself before responding to the person who is yelling at you. The American Psychological Association recommends picturing your breath coming up from your stomach to gain the full benefit of deep breathing. Remaining calm in these situations can keep a full blown argument from erupting.

references

• 1 Psychology Today: Controlling Angry People
• 2 American Psychological Association: Controlling Anger Before It Controls You
• 3 Eastern Washington University Access: Defusing Anger in Others
• 4 Oprah: 5 Ways to Derail Rage

About the Author

Karen Kleinschmidt has been writing since 2007. Her short stories and articles have appeared in “Grandma’s Choice,” “Treasure Box” and “Simple Joy.” She has worked with children with ADHD, sensory issues and behavioral problems, as well as adults with chronic mental illness. Kleinschmidt holds a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from Montclair State University.

Any time I see people having angry altercations, I perk up my ears and observe intently. I watch their displays, not in a sadistic or feeling superior kind of way, but fascinated with how it unfolds: “Will it work for them? Are they going to get what they want with this approach”?

I have practically never seen it work, not during my observations in therapy or in personal life.

Even on rare occasions where it seems to work in the moment, yielding some win-loss resolution, it never works sustainably. Peace can never be found on a shaky and fake foundation of emotional tyranny. As humorist Kin Hubbard said, “nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet.”

Here are some strategies for dealing with difficult people, organized around the main psychological premises driving their anger: fear and need for control.

Disengage and don’t take it personally.

People are energy-conserving creatures. Just as most animals attack out of self-defense, hunger or other biological needs, human anger also is goal-driven. Most people, even most violent individuals, don’t walk around the majority of the day attacking and abusing others. They lash out in spurts.

Behind their violent shield, a threatening individual is feeling threatened — maybe not by you, but by something or someone. Their anger is related to you only in a way in which some action or expressed feeling of yours has triggered some discomforting emotion within them.

Threatening individuals commonly are overwhelmed and scared. Big bullies have deeply hurt and vulnerable cores. They are expending their toxic energy to produce their angry display as a distorted way to pursue some goal related to their personal sense of safety and significance. Even though the content may be channeled at you, the driving force behind it is related to their personality, upbringing, and prior experiences. Most of their accusations are based on subjective opinions and are very loosely, or not at all, related to you personally.

Avoid ego battles and rides to the past.

When it comes to aggression, an unfortunate point of difference between humans and less evolved mammals is the ego. Some people are willing to put their life on the line and injure another person physically or emotionally to protect their ego and restore their injured self-esteem. Inflated egos are most vulnerable to the slightest pokes and scratches, which is a common infliction of defensive and confrontational people.

Remember that ego injuries are always the deeds of the past. This is why the great focus of most angry people, when they are arguing, will be buried in the past. Therefore, at all costs, avoid accompanying them on their voyage there. Drain them by letting them give a monologue about their expired accusations. Avoid discussing with them about who did what, when and why, and how it made them feel, but repeatedly ask how they propose solving this problem now.

Remember also that most angry people have a victim mentality. They perpetually feel the world owes them something and other people must fulfill their preferences or needs. What angry people say is almost never factual but emotional in content, related to their fears, frustrations, and bruised ego. Attempting to talk with them almost always fails, as raging people are narrowly focused, entitled, and prone to listening only to themselves.

Choose calm and sanity.

An angry person is looking for a fight. Through their escalation and unfair accusations, they are asking you to engage. As Eric Hoffer said, “rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”

So, what is needed in the presence of a hot-headed person? A cool-headed person. The constructive response is not to indulge them in any action. When they shout, you keep silent or speak softly. When they come close, you increase the distance. When they say a lot, you say nothing or very little. Some people decide to respond, thinking that ignoring a provocation makes them lose and a bully to win. This is contrary to what actually happens. You win by disengaging. You become untouchable and gain control by increasing emotional and physical space.

Imagine this situation: You are on a road and the driver in front of you drives dangerously and erratically, swaying wildly sideways, speeding up and pressing the brakes, honking randomly. Should you catch up, open up your window and attempt a discussion on proper driving? Of course not. You shift lanes and drive away, quietly demonstrating your intelligence and preference for safety. De-escalate the angry person in a similar manner, by exiting the scene emotionally or physically, not participating in their drama.

Remember also that basic defenses of angry, self-justifying people are projection and denial. You tell them that they are scaring you with their shouting, they say you are the one yelling. You tell them their words are hurtful, they tell you that you told them things ten times worse, plus you are the one who made them angry to begin with. So, what are the ways to negotiate with reality distorters? The short answer is “there are none,” and the longer answer is, “There are none, don’t even try.”

Give out an imaginary cupcake.

Cupcakes are sweet , peaceful, calming and smile-inducing. Raging people often are in dire need of an imaginary cupcake. A big part of their anger is driven by their belief or feeling that they never get any or someone stole or damaged their cupcakes. So, generously give them one or even a couple, even when they seem to be undeserving of any sweetness.

Despite the obnoxious behavior, loud shouting, screeching voices, clenching fists, pointing fingers, red faces and all, most angry people have a sad message. Most likely they are trying to tell you that they are feeling hurt, ignored, disrespected, unappreciated and unloved.

Listening and responding to these needs calmly and emphatically can serve as the key to getting more cooperation from emotionally agitated people. Just say “I think I understand what is going on here, but feel free to correct me, my friend” and so on. Then offer some reflective listening, validating their concerns to an extent. Tell them something nice and peaceful. Agree with them in theory. Do not assign any blame or argue. Establish a basic premise for peace by appealing in some way to the dormant, healthy side of their personality by extending to them some sense of grace, validation, and acceptance.

Related Articles

• How to Deal With Subversive Team Members
• What Is Respect for a Co-Worker?
• Examples of Insubordination & What Action to Take
• Why Are Non-Verbal Communications So Important to a Manager?
• Negative Impacts of a Bad Manager
• How to Deal With a Bossy Subordinate

If you’ve ever found yourself complaining, “My subordinate yelled at me,” it may signal that your staff is being insubordinate. An insubordinate employee can be difficult to deal with, particularly for leaders who find it difficult to manage conflict. However, there are steps that can be taken to positively resolve these conflicts when they occur in the workplace.

Managers dealing with insubordinate staff have to maintain some appropriate distance and maintain their cool. It’s important to approach the problem objectively and not antagonize staff, which can lead to even worse outcomes. Effective managers find ways to target the specific issues among their staff and address those without removing valuable personnel from the workplace.

Insubordination in the Workplace

If an employee is raising his voice at a manager, it can be one sign of insubordination. An employee yelling at a supervisor is a particularly hard problem to deal with because it signifies a lack of respect for leadership. This can be poisonous, since it can undermine the entire structure of the organization. When other employees see one employee disrespecting their leader, it can quickly lead to others doing the same and ruining productivity.

Some workers may simply be troublemakers who create discontent within the workplace. These people often play victim, acting as if they don’t know what the problem is even while they’re talking badly about an organization’s leaders. While it’s not wrong for employees to discuss their leaders, purposefully trying to undermine a leader’s authority can be detrimental to an organization’s performance.

When employee temper tantrums are a problem, it can signify a different type of issue. In this case, it can demonstrate a lack of emotional restraint or simply a lack of respect for others in the workplace. This can cause coworkers in the workplace to feel as if they’re unsafe. When this happens, it can lead to hesitation among workers and a lack of productivity.

Maintaining Professional Distance

An important part of responding to insubordinate staff is remembering that their behavior isn’t personal. Whether it’s one or several individuals, the actions of an insubordinate staff are rarely attempts to personally lash out at their employer. For this reason, it’s important to maintain your cool and address the situation without attacking your staff personally.

For the same reason that it’s important to maintain professional distance, it’s also important to work through official channels when dealing with the situation. As such, it may be important to first consult with human resources to see if there’s a way to have an intermediary work between you and your staff. In cases where the insubordination is less intense, HR’s help may not be needed.

Address Your Staff Directly

It’s important not to avoid the challenge of dealing with an insubordinate employee. Instead, leaders have to talk to their staff and attempt to understand what’s causing the poor behavior. Only by talking directly with someone can you come to understand why they’re acting the way they are. However, it’s also important to directly respond to your staff with feedback. Let them know the issues that are arising from their behavior, why it needs to be addressed and how it can be addressed.

Establish Solid Boundaries

Although it’s important to maintain your cool and work directly with your staff to create improvements, there also have to be solid boundaries on what you’re willing to accept. If an employee’s behavior becomes too excessive, then it may be time to take firm disciplinary action, which can even include parting ways, though this should be considered a last resort.

• Harvard Business Review: How to Manage a Toxic Employee
• Inc.: How to Manage an Employee Who Doesn’t Respect You

Jason spent a lifetime traveling before making his home in Houston, where he worked on his doctoral degree at the University of Houston. Author of the FLOOR 21 series of novels, he also has experience as a freelance writer in the areas of finance, real estate, and marketing.

You do your best to keep your emotions in check when you’re in the office. And, even if you did fall victim to having a rare emotional outburst on an off day, you addressed the situation, said your genuine apologies, and moved on.

But, what about when your co-worker or boss is the one to flip his lid in the middle of the workday? Should you respond immediately, even though he’s emotionally charged? Should you just ignore it and pretend it never happened? Should you pack up your desk, move to Bermuda, and hide for the remainder of your career?

Let’s face it—we’re all human. And, just because we all try to maintain a professional reputation in the office doesn’t necessarily mean we’re able to check all of our emotions at the door. These things happen. But, it doesn’t mean that your peers or supervisor have a free pass to constantly fly off the handle.

When someone in your office has a meltdown—particularly if it’s directed at you—you want to make sure the circumstances are handled, without signing up for a leading role in your office’s drama.

Sound impossible? It’s not! Follow these steps to effectively deal with the situation and carry on. (Or, move to Bermuda. It’s your choice.)

1. Don’t Engage Immediately

First things first, do your best not to engage when someone in your office is having an outburst. It’s easier said than done, especially if your co-worker is bellowing directly at you from across the conference room table. But, participating in a conversation (a.k.a., screaming match) with him or her will only serve to escalate the situation.

We all know that emotionally distressed people aren’t exactly capable of having rational and reasonable discussions. So, you’re simply wasting your time and breath. Whether your co-worker is sobbing or screaming, it’s important to give her some time to cool off. That way you can both come back to the situation with a clear head.

2. Analyze the Situation

Once the craziness has died down and your co-worker or boss has retreated to his desk in anger or embarrassment, it’s time for you to think about your next steps.

There’s no need to get yourself wrapped up in a situation that didn’t even directly involve you in the first place. So, take some time to consider whether or not this is something you even need to take action on.

Did this outburst directly impact you? If your co-worker was yelling and pointing a finger in your face, then—obviously—the answer is yes. But, if the hostility was directed at someone else and you were just a witness, do you really want to stick your neck out and get brought into a situation that really has nothing to do with you?

Outbursts are uncomfortable to witness, and your first inclination might be to jump up and defend a co-worker. But, make sure to evaluate the circumstances first—or you might end up having a meltdown of your own!

3. Determine Your Approach

So, you’ve decided that you just couldn’t let the situation be swept under the rug. Your co-worker or boss’ behavior crossed a line, and the idea of letting it slide and carrying on as normal immediately makes your jaw clench and your palms sweat.

What now? It’s time to figure out your best course of action. You have numerous options for handling the situation—you just need to pick the best one to address the circumstances.

If the emotional flare-up was threatening or harassing in any way, you’ll likely want to involve a superior or your human resources department. Certain actions require repercussions, and a simple “Whoops, sorry!” isn’t always enough to smooth over outrageous behavior. You might feel like a tattletale, but you deserve a workplace that isn’t hostile.

In contrast, if your co-worker or boss just got a little too heated without being aggressive or vulgar, you can likely handle that situation yourself. Rather than springing a conversation on him or her, request a time that you could sit down and chat. Then, explain how you felt that the outburst was unwarranted and how it made you uncomfortable.

Not sure what to say? Something simple like, “I understand that sometimes we all lose our cool. But, the way you reacted made me feel very uncomfortable. Can we talk about some ways that we can better communicate with each other when we disagree?” should do the trick.

Of course, you can always sit back and wait for an office peer to approach you with a humble apology. But, if the situation is really nagging at you (or, that employee has a reputation for being ridiculously stubborn), you’re better off tackling it head on to avoid letting it fester.

4. Move On

Emotions will definitely find their way into the workplace here and there, but that doesn’t mean your office needs to be tense and awkward. While your co-worker or boss’ emotional explosion served to make things uncomfortable, holding a grudge definitely won’t make things any better.

That’s right, it’s time to do the tough thing and be the bigger person. If the situation has been handled and you’ve received a somewhat genuine apology, it’s time to let it go and move on. No muttering under your breath, snarky office gossip, or refusing to work on a team with him or her. After all, what purpose do those snide remarks and passive aggressive actions serve? They’ll likely only add fuel to the fire—and maybe even inspire another outburst!

Witnessing your boss or co-worker lose his or her grip is uncomfortable—and even more so when you’re directly involved in the incident. But, don’t let your own emotions get the best of you too! Follow these steps to successfully handle the situation with dignity.

Otherwise, I hear the weather in Bermuda is nice this time of year…

“Mommy, I want ice cream nooowww. ” – a made-up child at age 4

“Everyone in the car nooowww!!” – a made-up parent at age 44

A temper tantrum is simply an outburst of negative emotions: yelling, storming around, crossing arms, pouting, bawling, etc. Any behavior that can be considered “out of control” is a tantrum – and many of our fellow adults are guilty.

While the term ‘temper tantrum’ is most commonly used to describe toddlers, adults exhibit the classic signs (yelling, storming around, pouting) of “tantrum throwing” all the time. For good measure, some will also toss things across the room, hit the wall, and so on.

So, why do grown men and women throw a temper tantrum? Well, any underlying mental health disorder aside (which is sincerely unfortunate), the answer can be summed up in one word: impulsiveness.

The person(s) on the receiving end of an adult’s temper tantrum can be at a loss for words; not to mention feeling scared, threatened, or insecure. How to react to someone, be it an adult or child, throwing a tantrum can be useful knowledge to have.

In this article, we’ll discuss five ways of dealing with someone having a temper tantrum. We sincerely hope that this information will prove useful, should you ever find yourself on the receiving end of someone’s emotional tirade.

5 Ways To Deal With Someone Having a Temper Tantrum

1. Take a deep breath

If you’re suddenly confronted with someone on a tantrum, the brain will immediately and automatically kick into “fight or flight” mode. This is what the body does when faced with a real or perceived threat – and an adult throwing a tantrum fits this description.

Taking a deep breath will somewhat mitigate the “fight or flight” response. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, also known as diaphragmic breathing, helps to relax any sudden tension in the body. Furthermore, diaphragmic breathing delivers a quick supply of oxygen to the brain, which helps one remain rational in “fight or flight” mode.

In an article published in Harvard Health Publications, entitled ‘Relaxation techniques: Breath control helps quell errant stress response’:

“Breath focus is a common feature of several techniques that evoke the relaxation response. The first step is learning to breathe deeply.”

2. Acknowledge emotions

Adults who throw temper tantrums are often ineffective communicators. Children who throw temper tantrums (before the age of 7) have an undeveloped brain that’s incapable of both suppressing and constructively expressing emotions.

Whether you’re dealing with a child or adult, it is important to inquire about what it is that’s making them upset. The key is to remain patient, persistent, and polite. An example (adult):

“I see that you’re clearly upset, yet you say that there is nothing wrong. I can tell by your behavior that something is wrong. Please tell me about what’s going on so I can help, if at all possible.” If they refuse to communicate, simply say “Okay. If you don’t want to talk about it now, please keep in mind that I’m ready to discuss it with you.”

With a child, simple words and empathy go a long way. An example of a child who refuses to go to bed: “I know bedtime isn’t fun! It’s hard to go to bed for me too sometimes!” Empathy works better than rationalization, which kids at a young age can’t do too well; but an empathetic tone sometimes makes a child feel less rebellious.

3. Converse with a positive tone

As our intelligent readers assuredly know, tonality is everything in communication. The adage of “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” may not apply to all situations, but it most certainly does when dealing with a person in outburst mode.

A condescending or frustrated response will do nothing but escalate the person’s emotions. A neutral, unadulterated tone when speaking will help lower the person’s emotional guard – and, hopefully, any barriers.

Talking in such a way will not always “work,” but the odds are strong that the person walks away in a more positive state than before.

4. Display poise

Self-control, composure, balance, equanimity…poise. Doesn’t merely reading those five words bring about some positive feelings?

Now, imagine one of two scenarios – and choose which one is most applicable to you.

(1) You and your child are driving someplace when a car suddenly cuts you off in traffic and you swerve the vehicle in a reactive state. Do you: (a) Scream out expletive-laden words in frustration, or (b) Take a deep breath, suppress your emotions and carry on?

(2) Your boss sends you an e-mail highly critiquing some aspect of your job performance and demands that you meet him in his office. Do you: (a) Have an inner monologue about how much of a jerk he/she is, and walk to their office in anger, or (b) Take a minute to compose yourself with deep breaths, and walk to their office with a confident appearance?

The point is simple: how we look – not necessarily feel – can ultimately make all the difference in how we’re perceived, and may just change the outcome. Your child or boss will witness a poised, rational person, or someone who’s easily irked and angry. Choosing to remain poised, no matter the situation or how difficult, is always the more intelligent and beneficial decision.

5. Diffuse the situation

Through practicing the above-mentioned suggestions of dealing with a volatile person, we tilt the odds of both parties walking away better off highly in our favor. Sometimes, the “solution” is quite ambiguous and requires a different approach.

Bear in mind that attempting to diffuse a complex situation is more applicable to those closest to us. When interacting with a co-worker, for example, sometimes the wise decision is to walk away should our initial attempts fail. However, if the person throwing a tantrum is a spouse, child, other relative, or close friend, we may feel inclined to do something else.

With that in mind, here are a few other methods of diffusing the situation:

– Give the person time and space: this gives them the opportunity to calm down, and they’ll be in a better state to talk.

– Suggest deep breathing or meditation: difficult emotions can feel overwhelming. Gently suggesting the person focus on taking a few deep breaths or taking up meditation can make a big difference.

– Ask if there’s something they need: often, a person experiencing a tantrum may require something even though they haven’t made it known.

– Take a walk outside: a change in environment, especially from an indoor to outdoor space, can help alleviate some of the pent-up anger. Fresh air and sunshine can do wonders for someone experiencing high levels of distress.

Your value to your team can’t be understated–and everyone knows it. But sometimes you’re so focused on the task at hand that it leads you to snap at one of your colleagues. And rather than inspiring everyone to make that final push to the finish line, it brings the group’s process to a screeching halt.

Of course, you’re probably smart enough to know that you need to fix the situation. But a half-hearted apology probably won’t cut it after you lash out. Instead, here are a few painful (but necessary) steps to repair the relationship.

1. Take a Minute to Vent

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve suggested venting after you’ve addressed a few other things. It’s usually the type of activity that’s best to save until after you’ve given yourself a few minutes to digest what’s just happened.

But, in the immediate aftermath of yelling at one of your colleagues, I’ve found that it’s a much better idea to get it all out before you approach that person again.

Think of this as that email you write to a person who’s driving you nuts and making your life miserable. As you probably know if you’ve done that, once you see it all in writing, you realize it’s kind of mean and end up leaving it in your draft folder.

Take a few moments to write a letter to your colleague (but make sure you’re writing it in a place that’ll never be seen). When you see everything spelled out, you’ll likely realize that many of those things don’t need to be repeated–and that perhaps you overreacted.

And because now have that clarity, you’ll have a much easier time taking the next steps.

2. Own the Mistakes You Made

Even though you’re convinced that you’re right more often than not, it’s important to think deeply about how you might’ve contributed to what just went down. After all, even if your colleague escalated the situation, it usually takes two to tango.

So, before you talk to that person again, jot down two or three possible ways that you made the sitaution more heated–and then set up a meeting with that person so you can acknowledge those things.

It’s never fun to admit your mistakes, especially when you know that you were just trying to move a project forward. However, saying that you’re sorry (and really meaning it) shows everyone on your team that you have some serious leadership potential. If apologizing isn’t your forte, make it easier on yourself by using one of these apology templates.

You’ll be surprised by how productive a conversation can be when you’re the first to say you’re sorry.

3. Let Your Teammate Tell You How They Feel–and Actually Listen

After you let your teammate know how you feel you let them down, quickly pivot and stop talking. Even the most sincere apology can fall flat if you’re dominating the conversation. It can make the other person feel as if you’re trying to end the meeting on your terms, without much of a care about how the experience was for them.

Yes, it’s noble that you’ve taken the step to say, “Sorry for that terrible thing I did to you.” But that apology will resonate so much more if you also shut your mouth and listen to that other person tell you how your harsh words made them feel.

You might not leave as best friends, but you’ll both have a better understanding of what you were trying to achieve when you snapped.

It would be so much easier if you went about your life and pretended that you never yelled at your teammate. But even as time passes, people don’t forget the times you were difficult to work with, especially if you didn’t clear the air afterwards. You might be in for some uncomfortable conversations, but ultimately, you’ll learn a lot about yourself in the process–and you’ll gain valuable experience in managing the tricky landscape of working closely with other people.

–This post originally appeared on the The Muse.

1. How to Get a Mother to Stop Nagging
2. How to Deal With a Manipulative Daughter-in-Law
3. How to Convince Your Wife to Give You a Chance to Save the Marriage
4. Why You Don’t Yell at Your Parents
5. What to Do When You Are Constantly Arguing With Your Mother

There are many reasons parents yell at kids, including having parents who yelled, feeling frustrated and angry or a desperation to get your kids to listen. You might think that yelling is relatively benign, but parenting expert Dr. Laura Markham disagrees in “10 Steps To Stop Yelling” at her Aha! Parenting website. If you don’t like your parent yelling at you, you can help unplug the yelling button or find ways to short-circuit a yelling match.

Step 1

Respond when your mom speaks to you, if only to say, “Give me a minute and I’ll be glad to pay attention.” Parents sometimes yell because they believe that their offspring won’t respond to anything else, according to Markham. Ask your mom to walk over and lay a gentle hand on your shoulder if you appear not to have heard her when she spoke to you or ring a bell to get your attention. If you respond to your mom each time she speaks to you, she could feel less inclined to yell because she knows that you are listening.

Step 2

Decide that it’s time to stop the shouting match with your mom if she thinks you’re not communicating respectfully, writes Janet Lehman, MSW, in her “Tired of Yelling at Your Child? Stop Screaming and Start Parenting Effectively” article on the Empowering Parents website. Whisper when your mom yells, suggests Francesca Castagnoli in “Confessions of a Screamer” at Parenting.com. She might stop yelling long enough to find out if you’re being disrespectful, but at least she will stop yelling and start listening. Remind Mom that you are standing right next to her and don’t need the volume, and then respond to what she wants you to do. Manage your emotions, suggests Markham, to help her manage hers.

Step 3

Walk away from you mom and tell her you will return when you have your emotions and responses under control if tempers and volume are escalating, suggests Lehman. If you are talking on the phone or video conferencing, terminate the conversation with a promise to return when you are calm and able to deal with her. As an adult, you can tell Mom that you don’t need her to treat you like a kid, and require that she treat you as an adult. Suggest that if she continues to yell at you, you will see her less often, talk to her less often on the phone or on video conferencing.

Step 4

Have a plan when you communicate with your mom. Consult a therapist who can help you learn to manage your responses better, suggests Lehman. Stop the never-ending argument when you know you and Mom will never find common ground. Accept that your mom won’t change, but you can change your responses by deciding not to let her trip your triggers, according to Chuck Dwyer, Associate Professor at the Penn Graduate School of Education. When you change your responses, hers will have to shift in response.

In this Article

In this Article

In this Article

• Types of Seizures, Degrees of Danger
• First Aid

Witnessing someone with epilepsy having a seizure can be truly frightening. But most seizures aren’t an emergency. They stop on their own with no permanent ill effects.

There isn’t much you can do to stop a seizure once it starts. But there are simple steps you can take to protect someone from harm during a seizure. It’s worth knowing some basic first aid — and when it’s time to call 911.

Types of Seizures, Degrees of Danger

Some are more dangerous than others. There are two main types:

Focal onset seizuresВ start in a single part of the brain. Her arm might start to move or her face start to twitch. And even though she’s awake and aware, she can’t control it. She might seem to zone out or stare at nothing as the seizure becomes complex. Afterward, she may not remember a thing.

Generalized seizuresВ involve multiple areas of the brain at once. People are rarely aware of what’s happening. The most well-known type falls in this group: the generalized tonic-clonic seizure, also known as a grand mal seizure. These are frightening to watch and can be an emergency.

They have a set sequence of events:

• The person may become unresponsive. She doesn’t answer if you call. She won’t react if you wave a hand in her face or shake her. She may suddenly collapse.
• Her muscles clench and she becomes rigid as a board. This is the tonic phase. It lasts a few seconds.
• Next, a series of jerking movements convulse her body. This is the clonic phase. It can last a few seconds or several minutes.
• Eventually, the jerking stops and she regains consciousness. She may be confused or disoriented for a short period.

Any generalized seizure can be dangerous because the person is unaware of her surroundings and can’t protect herself from harm. The uncontrolled thrashing movements during a generalized tonic-clonic seizure increase the chances of injury. This type is most likely to result in a trip to the emergency room.

First Aid

Seizure first aid is a matter of taking precautions. You’re most likely to need it for a generalized tonic-clonic seizure.

• Keep other people out of the way.
• Clear hard or sharp objects away from the person.
• Don’t try to hold her down or stop the movements.
• Place her on her side, to help keep her airway clear.
• Look at your watch at the start of the seizure, to time its length.
• Don’t put anything in her mouth. Contrary to a popular myth, you can’t swallow your tongue during a seizure. But if you put an object in her mouth, she could damage her teeth or bite you.

Milder seizures — like brief periods of staring or shaking of the arms or legs — aren’t emergencies. But you should gently guide the person away from threats. He may be in a state like sleepwalking, where traffic or stairs pose a danger. All seizure activity should be reported to his doctor..

Related

• How to Deal With Dominant Coworkers
• How Should Employees React to Conflict With Their Supervisors?
• How to Handle a Volatile Work Environment
• How to Write a Statement on Coworkers Arguing
• How to Deal With a Coworker Who Is Always in a Bad Mood

Disrespectful, rude or shrill co-workers can turn any workplace toxic overnight. If you’re always butting heads, it’s important to confront dysfunctional behavior before it becomes a regular routine. However, it’s also important to see if you’re unwittingly giving jerks at work a license to continue behaving badly, as well. The more insight you gain into the situation, the more likely that the changes you seek will stick for good.

Analyze the Conflict

Before attempting to address any conflict, analyze what’s prompting the behavior. Put yourself in the other person’s place, and ask if you contributed to the problem, states career consultant Susan Lankton-Rivas in Boston.com’s article, “Eight Tips For Handling Workplace Conflict.” If you still feel stuck, recruit someone — such as a human resources professional, or colleague who doesn’t work with either of you — to help brainstorm solutions, and serve as a mediator.

Be Calm and Collected

When a co-worker starts screaming, yelling or otherwise acting out, don’t stoop to his level, advises “Women’s Health” magazine. Stay calm, don’t interrupt and just listen. Once the tirade runs out of steam, repeat your colleague’s statements, and suggest ways to resolve the situation. If the behavior doesn’t stop, keep detailed notes of each incident, including copies of angry emails and memos. You’ll need them to pursue a complaint with the human resources department.

Change the Relationship

Getting an abusive co-worker to respect you means doing something to change the dynamic of your relationship. People often think in terms of character, or motivation, but research suggests that behavior is driven by situational changes, according to McLain Smith, a relationship consultant interviewed for “Forbes” magazine. Instead of arguing with a hostile co-worker, think about what he’s trying to accomplish, and see how he can achieve his goals. He’ll feel less need to automatically oppose you, which changes how you relate to each other.

Renegotiate Workloads

Rude or disrespectful behavior often stems from insecurity. Less-skilled workers tend to overemphasize their abilities, and underestimate their shortcomings, which prompts them to view criticism as a personal attack, according to “The Wall Street Journal.” To counter these feelings, offer ways to improve on a particular task, or share the workload on a difficult project. Such arrangements help you play to each others’ strengths — which defuses the risk of confrontation, yet helps your employer meet his goals.

Other Considerations

At some point, you may be unable to resolve your problems without enlisting some outside help from your supervisor, or the human resources department. Before you approach them, however, make sure that you’ve exhausted all the other options for solving the problem, according to “The Wall Street Journal.” Also, if you pursue a formal complaint, be discreet. There’s no need to share your grievances with co-workers who aren’t affected by the issues that you’re trying to resolve.