How to Deal With Bad Neighbours

Even the most beautiful home in the most serene town can become a nightmare if you live next door to the wrong kind of people. And dealing with nasty neighbors can be enough to drive even the most peaceful person to the brink.

If you find yourself in this situation or would like to do your very best to avoid it, take some of real estate expert Barbara Corcoran’s practical advice. Here are the five big offenders in the world of nasty neighbors and tips on how to deal with them.

Biggest offenders

• The racket makers: We’re talking about screaming moms, fighting spouses, horn honkers and tire squealing drivers, loud music fanatics and late-night partiers.
• The property line fanatics: Someone who trims boundary trees and then sends you the bill.
• The slob: Like the neighbor that lets the grass grow and leaves trash cans out days after pickup.

Homeowner’s glowing blue lights have neighbors seeing red

• The careless pet owner: That neighbor who leaves “you know what” around the neighborhood.
• The extreme weirdos: Drunks, drug dealers, and the neighbor that never says anything.

If you don’t want to end up with one of the above as your new neighbor, here’s what you can do to spot them early.

How to spot them

• Cruise the neighborhood at night. You’ll see the guy next door while he’s at home (rather than at work). Most people make the mistake of seeing a home during the day and looking again during the same time a few days later.

• Talk with the local store owners. They’re always the first to tell you who the pains are, who stiffed them, and who’s involved in a lawsuit. (“I’m thinking of buying the Smith house. Do you know it? Know the street? What are the neighbors like?”)

• Walk the neighborhood during rush hour. Not just block, but the four blocks surrounding yours. Befriend a few neighbors along the way. (“I’m thinking of buying the Smith House at 12 Maple Avenue. Do you know the neighbors? What are they like?”).

• Look for the signs. Basketball hoops, skateboard ramps, and trampolines are all tell-tale signs of the racket-maker.

• Watch and listen. Keep your ears peeled for barking and unleashed neighborhood dogs.

• Poke around the town clerk’s office. This is an easy way to find out which neighbors have filed for what, like permits for building a house extension over the next 12 months or a new pool.

• Take a cyberspace tour on ‘Google Street View’ to check out the area. Zoom in on empty lots and backyards that look like a landfill.

• Check on-line registries. Do this to uncover the location of any local sex offenders.

How to handle bad neighbors

If you are already in the situation of having nasty neighbors, here are nine fail-safe strategies:

1. Call ahead and pick a time to talk.

2. Meet on the sidewalk or on the property line.

3. Don’t accuse; let them know how the problem bothers you and suggest ways to solve it together.

4. If that doesn’t work, check out local noise and disturbance ordinances and write a personal letter. Be sure to offer a solution.

5. Consult your condo or block association. Ask them to send a standard letter citing the ordinance or by-law. A condominium association’s right of first refusal is a little-known clause that can be used to buy your neighbor out.

6. Should that fail, call your local precinct. Keep a record of your complaint.

7. Call in an expert mediator. (To find a mediator, check with your local courthouse, police precinct, or bar association).

8. As a last resort, file a complaint in court.

9. For the property line fanatic, walk the property line together to determine what belongs to whom; consider having the property surveyed to nip the problem in the bud.

Even the most beautiful home in the most serene town can become a nightmare if you live next door to the wrong kind of people. And dealing with nasty neighbors can be enough to drive even the most peaceful person to the brink.

If you find yourself in this situation or would like to do your very best to avoid it, take some of real estate expert Barbara Corcoran’s practical advice. Here are the five big offenders in the world of nasty neighbors and tips on how to deal with them.

Biggest offenders

• The racket makers: We’re talking about screaming moms, fighting spouses, horn honkers and tire squealing drivers, loud music fanatics and late-night partiers.
• The property line fanatics: Someone who trims boundary trees and then sends you the bill.
• The slob: Like the neighbor that lets the grass grow and leaves trash cans out days after pickup.

Homeowner’s glowing blue lights have neighbors seeing red

• The careless pet owner: That neighbor who leaves “you know what” around the neighborhood.
• The extreme weirdos: Drunks, drug dealers, and the neighbor that never says anything.

If you don’t want to end up with one of the above as your new neighbor, here’s what you can do to spot them early.

How to spot them

• Cruise the neighborhood at night. You’ll see the guy next door while he’s at home (rather than at work). Most people make the mistake of seeing a home during the day and looking again during the same time a few days later.

• Talk with the local store owners. They’re always the first to tell you who the pains are, who stiffed them, and who’s involved in a lawsuit. (“I’m thinking of buying the Smith house. Do you know it? Know the street? What are the neighbors like?”)

• Walk the neighborhood during rush hour. Not just block, but the four blocks surrounding yours. Befriend a few neighbors along the way. (“I’m thinking of buying the Smith House at 12 Maple Avenue. Do you know the neighbors? What are they like?”).

• Look for the signs. Basketball hoops, skateboard ramps, and trampolines are all tell-tale signs of the racket-maker.

• Watch and listen. Keep your ears peeled for barking and unleashed neighborhood dogs.

• Poke around the town clerk’s office. This is an easy way to find out which neighbors have filed for what, like permits for building a house extension over the next 12 months or a new pool.

• Take a cyberspace tour on ‘Google Street View’ to check out the area. Zoom in on empty lots and backyards that look like a landfill.

• Check on-line registries. Do this to uncover the location of any local sex offenders.

How to handle bad neighbors

If you are already in the situation of having nasty neighbors, here are nine fail-safe strategies:

1. Call ahead and pick a time to talk.

2. Meet on the sidewalk or on the property line.

3. Don’t accuse; let them know how the problem bothers you and suggest ways to solve it together.

4. If that doesn’t work, check out local noise and disturbance ordinances and write a personal letter. Be sure to offer a solution.

5. Consult your condo or block association. Ask them to send a standard letter citing the ordinance or by-law. A condominium association’s right of first refusal is a little-known clause that can be used to buy your neighbor out.

6. Should that fail, call your local precinct. Keep a record of your complaint.

7. Call in an expert mediator. (To find a mediator, check with your local courthouse, police precinct, or bar association).

8. As a last resort, file a complaint in court.

9. For the property line fanatic, walk the property line together to determine what belongs to whom; consider having the property surveyed to nip the problem in the bud.

Figuring out how to deal with bad neighbors can be a major struggle. There’s nothing worse than buying a house and then realizing you have nightmare neighbors. But you don’t just have to grin and bear your neighbors’ undesirable behavior or tension on the block. With the right approach, you can turn it into an opportunity to build a good relationship, create a more positive environment for you and the rest of your neighborhood.

Here’s how to deal with bad neighbors

First off, make sure you’re not the bad neighbor.

It’s easy to see what your neighbor is doing to drive you nuts, but it’s a little harder to understand how your behavior might be affecting them. Because you’ll never get a neighbor to shape up if they think you’re the problem, make sure you’re as close to a model homeowner as possible before approaching them. A few hard questions to ask yourself:

• What’s your noise level like? Loud TV, music, or machinery can drive neighbors bananas any time of day. And even normal noise, from say, lawn mowing, shouldn’t be waking them up in the morning or preventing them from enjoying a peaceful evening.
• Are your pets quiet and friendly? Noisy, threatening, or roaming dogs — and even roaming cats — can become a sore spot for neighbors.
• Do you keep things tidy? If your lawn is overgrown or your kids’ toys are strewn all over the place, it can become an eyesore. Neighbors may start to worry about your poor home maintenance hurting their home value.
• Do you respect property lines? Don’t let your trees, fences, or any other property encroach on a property line, unless your neighbors specifically say they’re fine with it. It may seem fussy, but it can prevent all sorts of disputes.
• Are you playing tit-for-tat? If you started parking over the property line because their dog barks too much, you’ll never sort out who was really in the wrong — or find a solution. Revenge, no matter how minor, is never successful at dealing with bad neighbors.

Once you’re confident that you’re not engaging in any bad-neighbor behavior, you can approach your neighbor to talk about what’s bothering you.

Develop a friendly relationship.

Trulia’s Neighbor Survey showed that one in two Americans doesn’t even know the names of their neighbors — and that can be a major hindrance to resolving conflicts peacefully. Introduce yourself at the first opportunity so that you have a strong rapport to build upon if a problem arises. It will be a lot harder for your neighbor to keep causing you grief if they see you as a friendly face.

To start a pattern of good communication, tell your neighbor in advance any time you’re having a party, doing a renovation, or anything else that could create noise or commotion.

Assume good intentions.

Don’t go in guns blazing when you approach a neighbor about what’s bugging you. Drop by and approach the subject in a friendly fashion, or, should you need to gently escalate the situation, request that they meet you for coffee. That will indicate that the issue is a big deal to you.

Neighbors often don’t realize that they’re creating a problem, and it’s best to avoid seeming like you’re accusing them. Put yourself in their shoes, and start by assuming that their problematic behavior is not because of any ill will towards you.

Be sympathetic if your neighbor complains.

While it’s important to bring up problems to your neighbor in a constructive way, it’s just as crucial to be thoughtful and cooperative when you’re the one accused of poor behavior. The complaint may not make much sense to you — for example, leaves from a tree on your property falling into your neighbor’s yard. But it’s more important to be friendly and accommodating than to be “right.” Respond to any complaints or requests the way you’d like them to respond to yours. If you’re willing to try to make their lives better, they’ll be more likely to do the same for you.

Document everything, just in case.

With luck, you won’t ever need to involve a third-party when sorting out how to deal with bad neighbors, but it’s always possible. While it’s worth doing everything you can to resolve an issue peacefully and willingly, you should also document every step along the way just in case. On the off chance that you need to involve a homeowner association (HOA), a neighborhood group, the city building department, or even the local police or an attorney, maintain a record of relevant dates, times, emails, texts, and even photos, so the facts are at your fingertips if you need them.

Research the rules before taking action.

Before turning your complaint into legal action or a formal complaint, make sure you know what you’re talking about. Contact the local housing department, consult a lawyer, talk to your HOA, or just do some solid Googling to get a sense of what the neighborhood rules and the law have to say about your issue. You want to make sure you’re on the right side of things before making a big deal out of i. (For one of the most common neighbor problems, check out this handy guide to easements.) Then — again, in a gentle and friendly way — you can let your neighbor know that the law or rules are on your side.

For critical issues, contact the authorities.

Of course, friendly conversations don’t always fix everything, even if you’re in the right. If you’ve tried everything else and the problem neighbors haven’t stopped their offending behavior, it may be time to get the authorities involved. Just make sure you consult the right authority about the issue — and always make the police your last stop. For instance, an issue with trash all over someone’s lawn can probably be resolved with the city’s code enforcement department. And a noisy or frequently loose dog might warrant a call to your HOA before the police or animal control.

Avoid scenarios likely to cause conflict.

Some situations between neighbors are almost guaranteed to cause conflict — for example, buying a home next to one that shows signs of being a hoarder house or one with a shared driveway. No matter how likable your neighbors may seem, tensions are likely to rise in situations like this. So unless you know your neighbor extremely well, it’s best to avoid the possibility entirely.

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It’s 9 p.m. in Brooklyn, and my upstairs neighbor’s Lab retriever is running wall-to-wall sprints worthy of the NFL combine. Across the hall, a young couple is laughing hysterically and smoking something funky. And the Italian seniors next door are having sex and playing the Righteous Brothers so loud, I’ve definitely lost that loving feeling.

–> The good news is, the dog dash is always brief, the sky-high lovebirds let me borrow their drill, and the oldies fans tire easily—so, all in all, they’re good neighbors, which can be a rarity in New York City.

But I’ve definitely encountered some nightmare neighbors in the city—like the perpetually shoeless man who taught his three foul parrots to curse loudly for days at a time. I also spent two decades in suburbia, which was no commune, either. In third grade, a schizophrenic neighbor said God told her I was evil, and spread glass shards in our yard—a jarring experience at age 8, but in retrospect, a memorable lesson in the art of neighboring.

How to get over the fact you’re living among strangers

Your home should be your sanctum, a safe space in an increasingly chaotic world. Yet when moving into a new home you’re likely to find yourself surrounded by strangers. In concept, it’s a pretty threatening juxtaposition. In practice, however, it’s actually something to be embraced.

We all feel this way about home, and when approached correctly, you and your neighbor can unite your protective instincts, form a sense of community, and even help each other out when needed. You don’t need to have much in common, and save for the occasional “How’s it going?” or “What’s up!” you don’t have to interact that much. You do, however, have to respect each other’s space and peace. Do this and neighboring becomes like raising a garden: Seed thoroughly at season’s start, remember to water it, and if needed, carefully address pests before they choke out your tomatoes.

How to become friendly with your neighbor

The art of neighboring begins with a brief introduction to establish trust and initiate a civil relationship. This intro doesn’t have to be immediate, so don’t force it. If your neighbor has an armful of groceries outside your apartment building, it might not be the best time for getting-to-know-you (though it is the perfect time to hold the door open). Remember, a great first impression goes a long way toward preventing future drama, so when the right time does present itself, put on your happy pants. Kathy Neily, a New York–based therapist who specializes in conflict resolution, recommends a classic customer service smile and solid eye contact. “If this is an Oscar-winning performance, so be it,” she says. “You don’t have to feel this generous of spirit, you just have to act like it.”

From there on out, measured tolerance becomes the key to smooth neighboring. Easier said than done, though ultimately it does get easier, as learning to dissolve anger weakens negative reflexes to annoyances. This isn’t to say let yourself get walked on—if an annoyance threatens to affect your life, it’s time for a talk. And whether it’s your neighbor’s dog defiling your driveway or the apartment next door blasting Beyoncé at day-break, resist the urge to simply bang on your neighbor’s front door. “Stop and ask yourself: ‘How important is this?’” says Neily. “You have a right to your feelings, so voice the unedited version to yourself, then to someone who can listen without interrupting to give advice.” Once the anger subsides, should a discussion still feel necessary, plan your interaction logically.

The best way to handle a problem with your neighbor

Though nailing a note to the offender’s door may feel satisfying, the best way to handle an issue is in person. Neily says to remember, “I’m OK. You’re OK” is the message. It’s safe to assume that your neighbor isn’t necessarily an evil, malicious person who’s out to get you, even though it may feel that way. “Most people have no idea that what they are doing might be driving you crazy,” says Neily. Approach the neighbor on neutral ground so as to not activate territorial instinct—stay near your property line, or in your building’s hallway. Aim for the weekend when you’re both relaxed and simply explain the dilemma using the first person. “Keep it on the ‘I’, as in ‘I’m having a hard time sleeping with the volume of your music,’ ” Neily says. “Starting sentences with ‘you’ feels like lecturing and puts people on the defensive.” She says it may sound backward, but to get your point across, don’t talk too much. “After you give your ‘I’ statement, stop, listen to what they have to say. The more you respectfully listen, the better chance you have of communicating your version of the scenario.” And even if you have to bite your lip, try to end the discussion cordially.

How to coexist happily ever after with neighbors

Given mankind’s track record, peaceful coexistence on a mass scale may be a pipe dream, but basic neighborly living certainly isn’t. Just plant your garden, nourish the roots, and reap the rewards. And should complications arise, remember the art of neighboring: Settle your mind and evaluate the problem. If necessary, engage the neighbor at an appropriate place and time, using a first-person, non-accusatory tone. Treat the issue as a misunderstanding, not an act of war. Listen to their response, don’t interrupt, and conclude on a positive note. That is, unless you live next to an unstable shut-in convinced she’s doing the Lord’s work by scattering broken glass in your children’s sandbox. At that point you might want to tell the kids Finding Nemo is on, lock the doors, and give the cops a call.

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His dog barks. Her compost bin smells. Your neighbors are driving you crazy. These strategies can help increase the peace.

Expert Source: Angela Clarke, PhD, clinical psychologist and associate professor of psychology at West Chester University of Pennsylvania

Unless you live in an isolated cabin in the woods or a cave in the desert, you probably have neighbors. If you’re lucky, they’re friends — or, at the very least, neutral presences. If you’re less fortunate, you live beside the chatterbox who appears whenever you’re rushing to work. Or the house that vibrates with party noise late into the night. Perhaps a yard overgrown with weeds that creep over the property line. The list of unwelcome neighbor traits is long.

Still, what counts as a bad neighbor isn’t universal. For some, the chatterbox is welcome company, the overgrown yard, blissfully free of pesticides. No specific situation causes problems for everyone, but stress arises for most of us when we have conflicts with a neighbor we didn’t choose — and can’t easily escape.

Figuring out how to proceed can be challenging, given your close proximity: Is the issue big enough to address? Is it worth the risk of creating greater resentment? What if your neighbor takes offense at your request? What if your efforts don’t solve the problem?

Clinical psychologist Angela Clarke, PhD, suggests ways to sort out conflicting values with an imperfect neighbor — and maybe even stay on good terms.

Challenges to Overcome

• Conflict aversion. If you typically avoid confrontation, you’ll likely feel more stress, Clarke says. “The neighbor conflict may -reflect past conflicts . . . that you’d rather not revisit,” she points out. “Now you’re faced with the problem of living right next door to someone who is a source of tension — and that can be really challenging.”

• Fear. For many of us, any conversation that involves critiquing another person can create fear. We might worry about hurting someone’s feelings or experience full-blown anxiety symptoms if the situation triggers past trauma. “Even anticipating approaching the neighbor can bring about anxiety symptoms,” Clarke notes.

• Confusion about the approach. Finding the best way to raise an issue with your neighbor can be tricky. What’s the best way to initiate the conversation? How do you speak firmly enough to convey your concern without triggering a defensive response?

• Self-doubt. You may be hesitant to deal with a difficult neighbor if part of you feels you’re overreacting. “You may ask yourself, ‘Am I reading too much into this?’ ” Clarke says. “You start to question yourself, particularly if it’s a nice neighbor who has no idea that what he or she is doing is a disturbance.” You may be especially conflicted if the problem doesn’t appear to bother other neighbors — or if your partner minimizes it.

• Difficult history. If your neighbor has been loudly belligerent or quietly hostile during previous encounters, you may be avoiding a renewed confrontation. You might also feel so angry that you’re sure you’ll blow up during any conversation and ruin the chances for a peaceful settlement.

• Failed attempts. If you’ve talked to your neighbor and he or she has already agreed to correct the situation but hasn’t, you might feel the situation is hopeless. Resigned frustration may seem like your only option.

Strategies for Success

• Speak face-to-face. Clarke discourages the use of notes, texts, or third parties to convey your message. “Trying to avoid the face-to-face conversation with the person can lead to more problems,” she says, “since you can’t be sure the note will be read or your points will get across.”

• Write it down and rehearse. Writing does have its uses, however. “If you’re really apprehensive, practice what you want to say first,” she suggests. Write your points down and then role-play with someone you trust, preferably someone who knows your neighbor and can respond as he or she might.

• Keep your cool. Check in with your own emotional state before you approach your neighbor. Feeling apprehensive is normal, Clarke says, but anger is counterproductive. “Never approach the neighbor when you’re wound up. If you are, postpone the conversation.”

• Use I-statements. You may be tempted to bolster your position with blanket statements like, “Your smoking bugs everybody,” but Clarke suggests speaking only for yourself. I-statements — for example, “I’m quite sensitive to your cigarette smoke” — not only avoid escalating an encounter; they’re all but impossible to debate.

• Make suggestions for a resolution. “People often want to vent and put all the responsibility on the neighbor,” she notes, but a more productive approach is to come up with a plan for you both: Your neighbor agrees to give you advance notice about parties; you agree to relocate for the evening.

• Ask about your own behavior. After you make your points, says Clarke, “ask if there’s anything you can do differently to make his or her life easier.” This can end your conversation on a positive note. You may also learn some surprising things about your own role in the difficulty, which is good news. It’s always easier to change your own behavior than someone else’s.

• Be kind and be persistent. If your initial conversation doesn’t bring changes, use the same principles during a second one: Rehearse your points, be calm in your approach, use I-statements, offer solutions. If there’s still no change, speak to the appropriate housing authorities, if one is available — apartment manager, landlord, homeowners’ association — before calling the police. The legal website Nolo () has suggestions for further actions, if necessary.

• Be willing to consider a move. There comes a time to accept what you cannot change. If none of these strategies makes a dent and your neighbor conflict is dire, it may be time to consider relocating. The short-term stress of moving will likely be less harmful than endless strife.

This appeared as “Bad-Neighbor Blues” in the May 2017 print issue of Experience Life.

Jon Spayde Jon Spayde is an Experience Life contributing editor.

Bob Borzotta, author of ‘Neighbors From Hell,’ gives his advice.

Sept. 20, 2013— — intro: We’ve all been there. The party animals who live next door keep you up all night with their loud music or the grumpy old neighbor who refuses to mow his lawn just yelled at you for parking too close to his driveway. It can be frustrating.

But there are ways of approaching these neighborly problems before you start plotting revenge or end up with toilet paper in your trees.

Bob Borzotta, the author of “Neighbors From Hell: Managing Today’s Brand of Conflict Close to Home,” spent years researching conflicts between nasty neighbors and gathering insight on how best to handle them in a civil manner.

Borzotta offered his top 10 tips for dealing with neighbors undeterred by good fences.

quicklist:1 title: Live Where You Belong text: Seniors who have already raised a family may not be happy in a family-friendly neighborhood with loud kids and flying baseballs. Families should not move into an apartment building that caters to college students. Young, single partiers will not typically be appreciated (or tolerated) in communities where the neighbors wake up early for work and go to bed well before 2 a.m.

quicklist:2 title: Be a Good Neighbor Yourself text: Lack of familiarity can breed contempt, so know your neighbors’ names, wave and say hello. Teach your kids to say hello to neighbors. Mind your noise, mow your lawn, hold the elevator door. Common decency is common sense.

quicklist:3 title: Be Patient text: If you do have a beef with your neighbor, wait at least 24 hours after an incident to raise the concern. That way your temper doesn’t take over.

quicklist:4 title: Choose Battles Wisely text: Remember that an enemy next door can cause years of anxiety and can affect your home’s value, so approach a potential conflict very carefully.

quicklist:5 title: Be a Diplomat, But be Strong text: Don’t apologize for raising an issue, but consider holding off on complaining about an incident that happened just once. People screw up. It may not happen again.

quicklist:6 title: Prepare Psychologically text: If you’re in an ongoing conflict, know that you’re not alone and you are not crazy. One of the sources of stress in neighbor wars is thinking you’ve done something to deserve mistreatment. In many case, you haven’t. You just live next door to a jerk.

quicklist:7 title: Know Local Laws text: Be prepared to cite ordinances and regulations on noise, trash, curfews, etc., that govern your homeowner’s association, municipality, county and/or state — all are available online, in libraries and through condo and co-op board secretaries.

quicklist:8 title: Document Your Case text: Use video surveillance to gather proof of ongoing nuisances, and keep a detailed log of dates and times of a neighbor’s ongoing offenses.

quicklist:9 title: Realize the Cops Cannot Solve This text: If police become involved, their job is to advise the parties on any resolution services available in the municipality, and to arrest those clearly committing a crime. They are not mediators and they generally do not take sides unless someone has been physically injured.

quicklist:10 title: Learn How to Take Back Your Neighborhood text: Understand that Neighbors From Hell don’t magically become great neighbors, and friendship is seldom found in the wake of a long-lived war. Today’s brand of serious conflict close to home gets corrected as it comes up and then managed on an ongoing basis.

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For many, a neighbor can be a trusted friend, someone you can rely on to help you out in times of need. For others, neighbors can be your worst nightmare by causing disruptions, lowering property values in the neighborhood or even damaging your property with their negligence or maliciousness. If you are suffering from the types of neighbors who make you want to move, look into the steps you can take to deal with horrible neighbors.

Evaluate and Report the Damage

Assess the damage to the property. Determine what was damaged, an accurate account or a reasonable approximation of when the incident took place and a thorough description of the events leading up to the damage. Witness statements also are encouraged. Then report your claim to the police. If the damaged property was an act of vandalism, it should be reported. Even if you do not press charges at this time, a filed police report is a beneficial document to have should you need to present your case.

Talk with Your Neighbor

Contact the neighbor and ask him to replace or repair the damaged property. If you fear an altercation, put the complaint and request in writing. Provide an accurate money amount that covers any damages. If the neighbor is uncooperative, seek mediation to settle the matter. For example, contact the property manager, landlord of the building or perhaps the board of your deed-restricted neighborhood. Each side should be able to voice their complaints and concerns and seek the advice of the mediating party. If the matter is settled, such as the neighbor agrees to pay restitution, this can salvage the relationship without involving the legal system.

Take It to Court

If there is no resolution in sight, file suit against the neighbor to reclaim losses for damaged goods. If all else fails, legal action might be your only recourse on how to deal with nasty neighbors. You will need to contact an attorney or go to a courthouse to fill out the necessary paperwork on your own to schedule a court date. Use your documented accounts of the damage and any relevant photos to make your case in court. If you feel otherwise harmed, such as lost wages or pain and suffering, you might include this in the court documents.

If you have rented for any period of time, you’ve likely had to deal with bad neighbors: the shrill screaming fight, the drunken merrymaking, the heels that sound like they’re about to pierce your skull (not to mention the floor).

No one wants to pick a fight with folks who live under the same roof, but, at the same time, you’re paying good money for a place that now feels tortuous.

What’s a renter to do?

1. Check your lease. Some leases stipulate no loud noises after a certain hour, or early in the morning. In buildings with hardwood floors, clauses may require rugs cover a certain percentage of floor to help insulate the noise. This might give you a leg to stand on with your landlord or the offending neighbor.

2. Talk to the non-offending neighbors. Do they share your concerns? This gives you more justification for your issues—and also support should you decide to confront the troublesome person or go to your landlord. Your neighbors might also have suggestions for solving the problem or approaching the troublesome tenant.

3. Make nice. If the offender isn’t dangerous, and you don’t have reason to fear a confrontation, a polite knock and calm conversation might be all you need. Perhaps the person didn’t realize how loud their footfalls sounded, that you have an early morning job, or that their smoking had been creeping under your door. They could be receptive to your concerns—you won’t know until you ask.

4. Assess your own lifestyle. Maybe you don’t live in a glass house, but you could have habits that annoy the neighbors. If you approach a neighbor about their bad habit and they mention one of yours, don’t argue—try to do your best to figure out a compromise or change the situation. Perhaps your reasoned approach will inspire the same in return.

5. Call the landlord. If you tried to make nice, but no one’s budging, calling the landlord or management company may be your next option. The landlord may not want to hear your worries about sound from above, and your hands may be tied. But if the issues are extreme enough, or threaten the property, the landlord can step in. For quality-of-life issues, saying you tried to talk to your neighbor before pestering the owner shows you are not a tattletale.

6. Go straight to the top. Sometimes, it’s not worth being nice. Consider, for example, what happened at a high-end loft building in San Antonio, TX. Neighbors who threw constant drunken parties were so loud that half the building’s tenants kept their lights on. The partyers’ guests mistakenly buzzed other apartments from a downstairs call box, and by morning the very pricey security system guarding the entrance had been busted—wires were out of the call box, the heavy electronic door off its hinges. The partying tenants had passed nuisance and gone straight to threatening the safety of the entire building. Most landlords don’t want people like that in their buildings either.

7. Call the cops. If you hear violent fights accompanied by screams or what sounds like items being thrown, or you feel threatened in any way, you may have no choice but to call the police department. The police can keep your identity secret. You might help someone. And even if the fight is just sound and fury, perhaps having officers come to their door will scare them into being quiet. The same goes for very loud parties. Most cities have noise ordinances, some tied to decibel levels. If you can hear Guns ‘n Roses note for note across a courtyard, you can bet on a legal violation occurring.

8. Take notes. We say this a lot at realtor.com®, but that’s because it’s true. If your neighbor repeatedly violates the lease, causes a hazard or responds negatively to your reasonable requests, copies of your emails, voicemails or other records of your reasonable requests will help your cause with the landlord or, should it escalate, with the police. Plus, letting your troublesome neighbor know that you are officially tracking their behavior may serve as a deterrent.

9. Be creative. Sometimes, you have to fight fire with fire. We’re not encouraging law- or lease-breaking activities of your own, but if the offending neighbor refuses to put his garbage in the can and leaves it outside where animals can get to it—well, what if that bag mysteriously ended up back on his doorstep? Maybe he’d learn a lesson? Maybe you’ve left some very nice notes, but they’ve gotten nowhere. Perhaps stronger language is in order. Of course, escalating the situation could backfire—big time—so this isn’t a route we recommend.

(US law and generally) Harassment is a serious issue, and though we might expect it on the street or even at work, it often blindsides us when we are at home. In some cases, the worse harassment comes from your neighbors, and if your neighbors are engaging in harassment directed towards you, your family and your property, you need to take action. Harassment is not necessarily something that goes away on its own, and it can have far-reaching effects that touch every aspect of your life. If your neighbor is harassing you, consider some essential steps.

Identify
First, identify the harassing behavior. One common form that harassment takes involves police agencies. For example, your neighbor may start calling in noise complaints to the police directed at your property. He or she might also surreptitiously destroy your property or damage it. These behaviors may seem minor at first, but they can escalate, and even if they do not, they may be persistent. Harassing behavior can have some profound effects on your life and your health, so take it seriously.

Document
Document everything. If the police come to your home, ascertain why the came and the name of the officers in question. If you notice damage on your property, take pictures of it, and if you have any threatening confrontations with your neighbor, write down the date and the subject of the confrontation. If they ever touch you or act in a way that is unwelcome, mark that down as well. A log like this can help you establish a pattern of harassing behavior if the matter needs to come to legal issues. You will also find that in some states, recording your conversations with someone else is entirely legal. Before you do this, however, you should always make sure that you know what the laws in your area are like.

Communicate
Talk to other neighbors. You may find that you are far from being the first victim of this kind of abuse. Many people who harass one person are willing to harass more, and you will find that this kind of behavior might be wide-spread, even if you have never heard about it before. When you are asking around, speak to your neighbors in a calm and deliberate manner. Tell them that you are not interested in causing trouble, but that you have been feeling very frustrated and angry. This is something that can help you figure out if there is a pattern to the harassment and if others have gone through the same thing that you have. If you find that other people are suffering too, you will discover that this can strengthen your case significantly.

Be very clear in confrontations with your neighbor. It is not typically advised that you confront your neighbor but some contact may be unavoidable. If you need to simply ignore your neighbor and to remove yourself from the situation, then do so.

Contacting Legal Authorities
It is important not to take harassment from a neighbor lightly. If they have gone to some trouble to harass you with police presence, your life can easily be disrupted. Most of the time, the violations that they have accused you of will simply result in a warning, but in other cases, you may fined or worse. These are things that can have a lasting impact on your life, even if the original charge seems ridiculous or like something that would be quickly dismissed.

Harassment from a neighbor can quickly become an issue that impacts your life in a big way. Ehow states that you should take a moment to consider contacting an attorney, especially if the police have been involved ( ). Make sure that you know your legal rights and that you understand what recourse you have.

This article was written on behalf of Avalon Construction in Malibu, CA , a leading custom home builder in Southern California.

These neighbours range from clueless to downright rude! Get expert tips on how best to approach and solve the problem all while keeping the peace.

Kari Pritchard Updated May 10, 2013

We recently ran a post in our Social Quandary series about a neglectful neighbour with a broken gate and it clearly struck a nerve as since that time we’ve received many emails from readers complaining about their neighbours. And so we contacted Suzanne Noruse, etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Ottawa, for advice on how to rectify an irksome situation without severing neighbourly relations. She came back with solid advice for four specific situations from readers and words of wisdom to keep the peace.

The nosy neighbour

Q: I have a neighbour who asks me about my overnight guests. They want to know who the visitors are whenever they see a car parked in my driveway overnight. I don’t feel comfortable sharing and really, it’s none of their business. How can I respond politely?

A: I suggest the less is more approach. Each time your neighbour asks the same question respond with the same answer, “A friend” and change the topic. “A friend. Isn’t Mrs. McGregor’s magnolia beautiful? Do you think one would grow beside my garage?”. Next time they ask respond, “A friend. Have you heard any more about our request to have the speed limit lowered to 25km on our street?”

The sidewalk-trashing neighbour

Q: We have a neighbour who leaves his blue bin overnight in the driveway. We came out the other morning to find garbage on our sidewalk after some animal had clearly been rummaging during the night. We have a beautiful street and want to keep it that way. How can we appropriately approach our neighbour about this problem?

A: Try picking up the litter once and putting it back in their blue bin. If they see you doing this, it may be enough for them to keep their blue box inside the garage until the morning. If this does not jog them then a friendly chat indicating that the location of the box is drawing unwelcome animals. The emphasis here is on friendly. Keep it light, your tone non-critical, and don’t raise your voice. They might just need a little reminder.

The not-accepting-boundaries neighbour

Q: We put up a beautiful wooden fence between our house and our neighbours for privacy. Our neighbour wasn’t happy with it and shoveled snow against it all winter. He is also a smoker and now that the snow is melting we’re finding a lot of his cigarette butts along our fence and also on its ledge. What do we do?

A: I agree, he does not sound happy with your new fence. I suggest starting softly. Pick up the butts — once. If this does not change his behaviour then try a friendly, diplomatic chat. Keep calm and point out that the fence benefits both of you. You both have privacy. He doesn’t have to see your children’s bikes or your snow shovel collection. If he responds aggressively then it is time to contact the authorities.

The neighbour from hell

Q: Upon moving into our new home last July, we were warned that our next door neighbours were troublesome. I was told that prior to their house now, they had caused issues in their last two places, and the police were involved several times, including one incident involving a 911 call for an outdoor fire.

So far they have had one fire that wafted smoke in our house and on another occasion she accused us of stepping on her plants while we were erecting a fence — something we put up to prevent further confrontations. Also, since we’re new to the neighbourhood, I’m worried about what other neighbours think about why we haven’t befriended this couple. I don’t want to out them as bad neighbours, but I don’t want to be friends with them either.

A: It sounds like they will move on once there are enough complaints. This has been their pattern. In the meantime, fires should be taken seriously. Fires of all kinds require a permit. Call the authorities and have them deal with the fire problem.

The fence you have erected should keep you from a lot of face-to-face encounters. A wise move. If there is a direct confrontation don’t raise your voice even if they raise theirs. It only inflames the situation. Pick your battles.

As for the thoughts of your other neighbours, they will find out in short order about the new neighbours if they repeat their pattern of behaviour. If questioned directly indicate that you were warned, which alludes to their problem behaviour without sounding gossipy.

Are you dealing with an annoying neighbour, too? Suzanne Noruse provides tips on how best to approach the subject:

1. Be courteous

“Be courteous, it’s not all about us,” says Nourse. “There are times when we need our neighbours or they need us and if you have alienated them over a stewing compost pile, it can be pretty sad.” Think about how you would want to be treated and apply it to how you approach your neighbour.

2. Be direct

If your neighbour doesn’t pick up on your body language or hints, being honest could help clear the air. It’s hard because your emotions can come to the surface, says Nourse, but try approaching them in a nice manner and directly ask them to stop their annoying behaviour.

3. Know your bylaws

If your neighbour refuses your attempts at a peaceful reconciliation, you might have to see if their bad habits are covered by a bylaw, says Nourse. In most municipalities early morning and late night noise are restricted to certain times and there may also be bylaws about keeping your sidewalks clear of snow.

4. Avoid doing it with a written note

“If you start with a note, they’re very likely going to become defensive,” says Nourse. “They might not have any idea that they’ve been doing anything that’s irritating and suddenly they get this note on their door from you.” When your neighbour reads your note, they can also put their own tone on it, changing your light-hearted intentions into angry complaints.

Whether you have the picture-perfect house or live on the worst block in town, you are bound to run into bad neighbors. But before you call the cops, follow Modern Manners Guy’s 3 tips for peacefully dealing with improper neighbors.

I’ve said it a million times, but the best thing about being Modern Manners Guy is the amazing emails , tweets , and Facebook posts I receive from readers and listeners, with questions and comments about manners. Lately, the issue of impolite neighbors has been quite popular. From dogs leaving their “samples” on people’s lawns, to loud music blaring at all times of the night, to lawn mowing at 5AM (seriously. ), it seems inconsiderate neighbors are everywhere. .

Unless you live on a gigantic palatial estate, with no other houses in sight, all of us are prone to encounters with an improper neighbor…or two…or three! So before you rip open your window to shout unpleasantries at your unpleasant neighbor working on rebuilding his 1977 Pontiac Trans Am engine at 6AM, check out my top 3 Quick and Dirty Tips for properly handling unruly neighbors:

Impolite Neighbor #1: The Yeller Family

Allow me to paint a picture of the Yeller Family, just in case you don’t have the good fortune to have them close by. The Yellers are the ones who don’t need a phone. Instead, they yell at the top of their lungs to others in their house, so everyone can hear their conversation. And usually it’s a fight of some sort. Oh, but the Yellers never split up, they always remain happily unhappy together, in yelling bliss. The Yellers do not care if it’s 7AM or 11PM.

When I was growing up, the Yellers lived across the street from me and the whole neighborhood was just waiting for them to move out. Sadly, they didn’t and it seemed there was nothing we could do but tolerate their insanity. Or was there…?

So how do you quiet the Yellers? For starters, you have to realize that you’re dealing with crazy people. I know, it’s not nice to call people crazy and heck, in the light of day, they may be perfectly fine citizens. But when you fight every single night so loudly that the whole street can hear you…well, that’s crazy in my book. Sorry. And so because of the Yellers’ tenuous grip on reality, you have to treat them with kid gloves. Approach one of the family heads, like the wife or husband, with a treat of cookies, a cake, or a pie. Bring it to them saying you made too much so you’re offering it to the neighbors, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. (It’s a set-up, folks.)

Chat for a bit about the weather, work, or sports, and then sneak in the issue at hand. Try this:

“I’ve been working some late hours at home and I couldn’t help but overhear you talking pretty loudly the other day. Do you think that maybe you could keep it down after 9PM? I need the windows open for my allergies and can hear you pretty clearly.”

Make sure to put the blame on yourself. Say, “I know, I know I’m being difficult and asking a lot, but I’m just really crammed at work and need all the concentration I can get. Sound cool?”

Will they listen? Maybe. Maybe not. But they will think about what you said. And possibly even think twice about broadcasting their next fight to the rest of the neighborhood.