How to deal with a nightmare boss

• 5th June 2019
• Guest Contributor

By Bernardo Moya

There is no single entity known as the “nightmare boss”, but here a few phrases you might recognise.

• ‘I want the impossible…yesterday!’
• ‘You’re useless, you idiot!’
• ‘Where did I put that thingummy?’
• ‘What is my job, exactly?’
• ‘You can’t tell me anything, I already know about it!’
• ‘Didn’t you know about it? I’m sure I told you…’

These are the sorts of phrases you’ll hear from the overly demanding boss, the belittling bully, the chaotic boss, the dreamer, the know-it-all and the boss who doesn’t really communicate.

Each of these traits has their methods of being dealt with, some with the right word or a change in approach, and others with more drastic action. However, the first thing you need consider is – is it you, or the boss where the problem lies? Or maybe somewhere in between?

To work that out, it’s necessary to step back from the emotional wheel that can be continually wound up by a difficult boss, take a breath and look at things in the round. Sometimes it can be the simplest of things that make the difference.

Some people, for example, are logical sequential thinkers. This means approach a task at the beginning and work out the steps on the way. This approach sits uncomfortably with the non-sequential logical thinker, who raises information as they think of it, have an order in their head… eventually… but don’t present information in this way. When these two types meet, the non-sequential thinker gets frustrated with what seem like obvious or irrelevant questions, while the sequential thinker just wants a clear direction and framework to operate in.

Then there are the big vision thinkers and the detail thinkers. Again, this can lead to confusion in communication, but bear in mind too that when they work well together, the detailed PA and the big vision boss can have a symbiotic relationship – the one filling in the gaps in the other’s aspirations!

There are many other thinking styles that might be causing the problems, so be patient and make a study of your boss to see if there’s an obvious reason for the nightmare element!

However, no amount of study will deal with the belittling bully. In this case, it’s a matter of learning to detach your emotions and hit that Zen state – or, alternatively, if that doesn’t suit you, look for work elsewhere. You aren’t paid to be a punch-bag, after all. That said, there are ways to manage the bully. One is to ensure that you stand your ground, firmly and calmly. Bullies tend to latch on to people who unconsciously show submission. Don’t have a blazing row, but remember, you have a choice to communicate what you are willing to accept and to make that clear. It is surprising how many bosses are unaware of their unconscious behaviour, and slip into patterns of being overbearing under stress, without knowing iy.

To avoid misunderstandings with a poor communicator, one trick is to listen carefully to what your boss says and then repeat it back to them, asking them clearly – “is that what you meant?” This trick reassures a nervy boss that you understood the task and you can be trusted to finish it.

With the boss who seems over-demanding, work out if there’s a pattern to their demands. Do they have a particular attitude to working hours that doesn’t match yours? Do they get agitated if something is one second beyond deadline? If so, work out how you can always bring it in ahead of time.

Some bosses have great instincts but terrible organisational skills. Let’s face it, that’s why they have a PA. So if you’re dealing with such a boss, it’s time to take them in hand, keep them to schedule and manage them in a pro-active way. Perhaps this what they and you need to make it work.

Remember, dynamics in relationships can change with the right approach. There are countless ways to “work out” your boss, so it looks like as well as doing all that work and organisation they’re asking for, you’re going to have to become an amateur psychologist. To do that, watch and listen. And most of all, apply your patience. If you start to treat part of your task as getting to a point where you “get” your boss, where you understand them, then the troubles on the way are steps towards a better working relationship.

Ideally, you’ll be able to fill in the places where they are less strong, and they will begin to understand your capabilities in turn. Of course, there’s many a slip betwixt cup and the lip, but ask yourself, what do you need to learn to really manage your boss?

Every morning when I arrived at my office, I used to find a to-do list printed out and neatly laid on my keyboard, courtesy of my boss. But this wasn’t a typical bulleted list—it was a long (upwards of three pages), drawn-out document, where each bullet point was accompanied by paragraphs of elaboration, laying out to the very smallest of details exactly how I should accomplish the task.

And as I stared at this book (er, document), wondering if it would somehow look less menacing after my morning coffee, I couldn’t help but think, Wouldn’t it have taken her less time to just complete the things on the list?

And my micromanaging boss didn’t stop there—she constantly asked for updates on my progress, added to and modified the list, and ultimately refused to let me do my job on my terms.

For a while, I thought it was impossible to change my boss’ overbearing ways without completely offending her (and risking my job!). But over time, I did. And luckily, there are several ways you can show your manager that you’re in control—and loosen her grip a little bit, too.

1. Eliminate Any Possibility That She Needs to Micromanage

Once I’d experienced my boss’ micromanaging for a few weeks, I assumed there wasn’t anything I could do but succumb to it. Since I knew she was going to remind me about my deadlines and check on my progress multiple times a day, I figured there was no reason for me to duplicate her efforts. And while my work was still getting done on time, I couldn’t really ignore all those emails titled “Urgent,” I was probably sending her the message that I couldn’t manage my workload without her so-called “help.”

So, first things first: Take a hard look at your recent attitude, productivity, and track record to make sure that you aren’t doing anything to solicit such nitpicking. Are you unintentionally (or intentionally) letting your work slip through the cracks? Do you show up late? Miss deadlines? In this case, of course she’s going to try to manage every detail—because she’s worried that you can’t.

(Need help getting organized? Click here for all the tips.)

2. Anticipate What She Wants—and Act

A lot of the tasks my boss assigned me (and constantly reminded me about) were tasks I knew I was supposed to do—she just wanted to make extra sure that I had them on my radar. It was incredibly frustrating when she’d walk into my office to say, “Hey, I just wanted to remind you that we need to get the weekly schedule emailed out today,” when I was already well aware of the assignment. (Seriously, I did it every week.)

So, a great start to halting micromanagement in its tracks is to anticipate the tasks that your manager expects and get them done well ahead of time. If you reply, “I actually already left a draft of the schedule on your desk for your review,” enough times, you’ll minimize the need for her reminders. She’ll realize that you have your responsibilities on track—and that she doesn’t need to watch your every move.

3. Provide Updates Proactively

Micromanagers want to be in control—that’s why they frequently ask for updates, tell you how to complete tasks, and check in incessantly to make sure that things are going according to schedule. Since they can’t actually complete every project themselves (that’s why they hired you, after all), micromanaging helps them stay as involved as possible.

To head this off, try proactively sending your manager regular updates, before she has a chance to ask for them. Every morning, pull together an email outlining what you accomplished the day before, what you plan on accomplishing that day, and if you have any questions or need any input. (This is part of managing up, it’s key when you’re dealing with a bad boss.)

This will serve multiple purposes: First, your boss will know exactly where your current workload stands, staving off her constant questioning. Second, with a quick glance, she’ll be able to address your questions, provide input, or suggest ideas in one direct reply—which will help her feel involved, yet prevent her multiple mid-day check-ins.

And third, she’ll eventually realize that you’re organized and detail-oriented and that you can manage your responsibilities without her constant intervention—so she’ll feel comfortable pulling back and giving up the reigns.

4. Use Your Words

When it comes to bosses and their management styles, confrontation doesn’t usually seem like a viable option. But in my case, I was working for a friend at a small startup. She always encouraged her employees to bring up issues they were experiencing—even if they concerned the way she ran the business.

So, during one of our one-on-one conversations, I carefully explained that I felt like she didn’t trust me with my work. She admitted that she had a hard time delegating and was used to doing everything herself. In short, she couldn’t “let go.” But she realized the effect it was having on my productivity and happiness, and she promised to make a better effort to step back and let me accomplish my work the way I wanted to.

Obviously, this won’t work in every situation. At my current (and much more corporate) job, I wouldn’t feel nearly as comfortable confronting my boss about such an issue. However, there are small—and respectful—ways you can express your opinion. For example, ask your boss for the opportunity to complete a small project on your own from start to finish, with the understanding that afterward, you’ll discuss what you did well and what you can improve upon next time.

Pose it this way: It’ll be a great learning opportunity and a chance for your manager to evaluate your work methods. And if you knock it out of the park, you’ll instantly convey that you can work independently of your manager’s constant input.

And as you notice differences in behavior, let her know how much you appreciate the hands-off approach: “Thank you for trusting me with this project—having to create the plan and find the right resources on my own really helped me polish my project management skills!”

Shifting your micromanaging boss’ management style won’t be easy, and it certainly won’t be immediate. But if you can show her that you’re trustworthy, thorough, and ultimately, on top of your work, you’ll be able to inspire that change over time.

A small ween ain’t no thing.

We talk all the time about how every woman is a unique sexual snowflake, and no type of vagina is better or worse than another. Well, the same thing holds true for dudes.

Unfortunately, guys with small peens don’t always have the easiest time dating or getting busy with someone new. The stereotype goes that a smaller than average package makes for a lame time in the sack.

But to prove that that’s not always the case, we asked several women who’ve dated (or married) guys with an XS situation in their pants for their feedback.

“I literally found out my boyfriend had a tiny penis on our fourth date. We were at his apartment, drinking wine and hanging out, and we started to play the game two truths and one lie. His story was: ‘I was born on Christmas Eve; my left eye is fake; I have a really small penis.’ I was laughing so hard and obviously thought that the penis one was the lie—because who says that? It turns out it was the truth and the eye was the lie. He made a joke out of the whole thing, and honestly, I feel like he’s used this method before. Right after that, I asked to see it, because obviously we were going to hook up that night. It was definitely really small, but I guess I imagined it to be smaller. It’s been a challenge figuring out how to have better sex with a small penis, but I really like how my boyfriend made a joke out of the whole thing and still keeps the joke going today.” —Rochelle D., 28

(Enhance your Kegel training routine with Luna Femme Training Beads from the Women’s Health Boutique.)

“My husband’s junk is by far the smallest I’ve ever handled before. But it’s not a big deal at all. He kind of delayed having sex with me for a few months, and I thought that was weird. The first time I saw his penis, I didn’t notice how small it was. It was dark in his room and the whole thing happened so fast. The best part about having sex with someone with a small penis is that he is always down to try new positions to see what feels good for me. The worst thing is that it takes a lot for me to have an orgasm compared to when I was with guys with larger penises.” —Lisa D., 31

Related: 9 Positions That Practically Guarantee an Orgasm

“My boyfriend’s penis is mini, but his confidence is out of this world. He’s super cocky and you’d never guess he was lacking in that department. The first time we hooked up, I took off his pants, saw what he was working with, and laughed. I wondered if it would be bigger the harder he got but it wasn’t. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I laughed because I was nervous looking at it. He honestly doesn’t care about the size of it and always tells me that size doesn’t matter. Though I think that size matters somewhat, the benefit is that he’s a very confident guy that treats me well in every way.” —Teresa D., 28

Watch this video to learn everything you never knew about the male anatomy:

“I’m dating a guy who doesn’t have a big package, but he knows how to please a women. The first time we had sex was the greatest sex of my life. Yes, I noticed he had a small penis, but he made up for it in so many ways. He knew how and where to touch me. There was a lot of teasing! It was fun sex, and I didn’t even care that his penis was the size it was because he used his hands and tongue.” —Gloria W., 36

Related: 11 Must-Try Positions for Super-Deep Sex

“Right before we got hot and heavy, my now-boyfriend told me that I might be disappointed by the size of his man parts. I guess he had situations in the past where girls ditched him after the hook up. But honestly, it made it worse that he told me that before I saw it. I was scared and he was embarrassed. When I saw it, I thought it was small, but I could have done without the heads up. The sex is okay. We’ve worked on getting better at it with a lot of foreplay and different positions. The best part about our sex life is that we communicate openly about what we like and don’t like, and I’ve never had that with anyone else.” —Hannah V., 26

NIGHTMARE bosses can quickly make walking through the office door more like passing through the gates of hell. Here’s five ways to survive.

September 27, 2013 12:51pm

NIGHTMARE bosses can quickly make walking through the office door on a Monday morning more like passing through the gates of hell.

Repressive, rude and egotistical: these ‘leaders’ effortlessly combine the worst traits humanity has to offer and make the devil look like a saint.

However, it is possible to turn the situation around.

Finetuned Coaching Career Coach Fiona Wainrit shares her top five tips to effectively deal with the devil.

1. BEAT THEM TO THE CHASE

If they micromanage or distrust you, why not get them off your back by sending them daily/ weekly updates?

Not only will this show you are on top of things, it is also an opportunity to ensure you’re on the same page regarding priorities. Likewise, be proactive by discussing new ideas regarding process improvements and anticipate any risks before they occur.

Perhaps initiate a meeting to discuss one of these issues. This will send a different message that you are committed and focused. If you’re lucky, he or she may even move onto someone else to antagonise.

2 CONDITION EXPECTATIONS

Next time your boss hands out an extra task to add to your already hectic workload, why not quickly come back with a realistic time frame, so they know when to expect it?

This presents another chance to explain what you are working on and ensure it’s in line with their priorities.

3 SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE

Don’t suck up. Trying too hard to impress or win over a difficult boss may not be the answer and will come across as insincere. You will also lose respect from your peers.

Think about your boss’s motivators and respond accordingly. For example, if your boss is dollar driven, then use numbers and monetary amounts when discussing results.

If they are emotionally driven, tap into their feelings about a particular project or task.

4 DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY

You may not be able to control the situation, but you can control how you choose to respond.

Take a short walk outside, lunch with friends/ workmates, have photos on your desk of loved ones so you can quickly go to your ‘happy place’.

5 MAKE UP OR BREAK UP

If you’ve exhausted all options and it becomes unbearable, then it may be time to start exploring other opportunities.

Before you look externally, if you still like the company and it’s just your boss you have the problem with, consider taking a side-step into a different team.

Otherwise if you decide to go external, ensure you do not bag your boss during the interview. Instead, focus on why you’d like to work for that particular company and what you can bring to the table.

Manage a Deadbeat Employee to Allay the Impact of One Who Doesn’t Care

A deadbeat employee is an employer’s nightmare. You know the occasional employee that you have who seems not to care and is constantly in need of correction and improvement. He or she doesn’t show up for work, calls in sick frequently, and milks the time-off policy. The employee is always walking on the edge of the cliff but never completely falls off. He or she walks the edge of the work policies and processes, too.

The employee does just enough to stay employed but doesn’t grow professionally nor contribute like your other employees. They sometimes reach their goals but exhibit a general lack of enthusiasm. The hallmark of the deadbeat employee is that he or she is always walking on the edge between succeeding and failing.

Some deadbeat employees actively criticize the company and its policies, not through suggested routes for employee input, but in an email, at the water cooler, and in the employee lunchroom. Others are constantly unhappy with whatever policy or direction the company sets.

Their unhappiness runs all over their coworkers as they complain, gossip, and criticize. Whatever form of behavior your deadbeat employee exhibits, it won’t go away without your intervention. Bad habits, like good habits, become ingrained in their workplace behavior.

The Impact of the Deadbeat Employee

The deadbeat employee impacts your workplace and employees negatively, constantly, and insidiously. Smart employees shun the deadbeat employee, realizing the impact the employee has on their positive workplace morale and productivity. Others wallow in your deadbeat employee’s viewpoint.

But employees who feel a bit like he or she does about a change, the workplace in general, or their jobs, are quick to echo the deadbeat’s point of view. This further poisons your workplace morale and productivity.

If you let the deadbeat employee get away with this behavior, you train him or her that the behavior is acceptable. The person’s coworkers, who are probably picking up the slack, become demoralized because they work hard and contribute and see that the deadbeat employee does not and that the deadbeat employee may not even care about the work or workplace.

Additionally, they lose respect for your management, and possibly their faith in the company, because you fail to deal with a problem that everyone in your workplace sees.

Your Responsibility to Deal With the Deadbeat Employee

The deadbeat employee’s coworkers depend on you to deal with the problem. They may make cutting remarks, shun the non-performer, or talk quietly among themselves, but they don’t feel enabled or equipped to deal with the borderline performer who doesn’t care. They just feel his or her impact on their work and workplace. And, they’re right.

Coworkers can do their little bits to encourage the deadbeat employee to contribute. They can make norms for their team, give coworker feedback, and express unhappiness, but the deadbeat employee has no obligation to change or improve. The behavior of the deadbeat employee is ultimately the manager’s responsibility to address.

How to Approach the Deadbeat Employee

Your first step with a deadbeat employee is to figure out what went wrong. Something did go wrong. It will give you insight into what caused the behavior that is troubling your workplace. Most employees start out enthusiastic and excited about their new job. They find their enthusiasm punctured somewhere along the way.

Or, they puncture their enthusiasm; it works both ways in the workplace. Figuring out what happened is key if you are committed to helping the deadbeat employee become, not a deadbeat employee, but a contributing member of your work community.

It’s a rare employee who wakes up in the morning and decides to have a miserable day at work. It’s a rare employee who wants to feel like a failure as they leave the workplace daily.

Yes, a rare employee, but they do exist, and it is guaranteed, the employee believes it’s not his or her fault—it’s yours. You are the problem, or his workplace is the problem.

Once you’ve worked with the employee to discover the source of their unhappiness and low morale, you can assist the employee to do something about it. With a deadbeat employee, this is the tough step. First, the employee has to own the responsibility for their subsequent actions and reactions to workplace happenings that may have occurred even years ago.

It is a tough step for you, too. You may decide the employee’s concerns and unhappiness are legitimate. If so, a sincere apology is in order, even if you had nothing to do with the occurrences that generated the problem.

At the very least, an acknowledgment that you believe that some of their low morale is legitimate may be in order. It also makes sense to ask what about the work system is causing the employee to fail.

You may also decide the employee brought their lousy attitude to your workplace and your company did an inadequate job of screening out a potentially poorly performing employee.

Regardless of the details, on some level, the employee must own that their reaction to the circumstances belongs to them. The employee must own their chosen reaction. Indeed, as humans, our reactions to the changing circumstances around us may be the only factor that is always under our control in most situations.

Next Steps in Dealing With the Deadbeat Employee

Whatever you decide about why your deadbeat employee is a deadbeat employee, these are actions you can try.

• Help the deadbeat employee see what’s in it for them to succeed and improve. Both personal and professional gains result from improved performance and a commitment to success.
• Assure the employee that you have faith in their ability to succeed. Sometimes supportive words from a supervisor or manager are the first the employee has received in years.
• Help the employee set several short-term, achievable goals. These should be time-based and have clear outcomes about which you agree. Some of these goals can address the employee’s attitude and lack of caring in behavioral terms. This is because it is generally not possible for you and the employee to share a clear picture of what a bad attitude looks like. But, you can share a picture of the behaviors the employee exhibits that make you think he or she has a bad attitude. Then, monitor the employee’s progress on not exhibiting these behaviors.
• Make sure the employee has something to do that he or she likes to do every day.

The Bottom Line

These ideas should help you deal with your deadbeat employees. But, if you’ve done your best, and the employee isn’t changing, you can responsibly, ethically, and legally help the employee move on to their next employment opportunity.

An estimated three-quarters of employees say their boss is the most stressful part of their job, while a third dread going to work because of colleagues. Here’s how to cope

• Looking for a job? Explore the range of vacancies on Guardian Jobs and find the perfect role for you

If you are dealing with particularly underhand co-workers, what can you do to manage the situation? Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

If you are dealing with particularly underhand co-workers, what can you do to manage the situation? Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

Last modified on Tue 30 Oct 2018 09.20 GMT

F rom backstabbing bosses to co-workers who try to sabotage your work, relationships and power are tightly knit in the workplace. Many of us will be affected by office politics at some point: a third of workers dread going into work because of their colleagues, while it is estimated that three in four employees find their boss the most stressful part of their job.

So, if you are dealing with particularly sly co-workers, how can you manage the situation?

Make friends

To fix a toxic work culture, you need to get involved. Studies show that when people feel they don’t belong in a group, their physical health and wellbeing plummets – so, if you’re feeling isolated or excluded by negative office politics, it makes sense to try to make friends.

If one person at work is the main source of conflict, the best way to deal with them is to unite with your co-workers, says psychologist Dr Mary Lamia. “Grouping against a bully will provide victims with support for their feelings, since victims of bullies are at risk of becoming isolated. Through joining together and discussing the bully’s behaviour, co-workers can contain the bully, who, with their behaviour exposed, loses the power to terrorise – and faces the threat of isolation.”

This strategy also works with game-playing colleagues – people with bullying tendencies often try to isolate victims, so the more people you have on your side, the less likely you are to be taken advantage of at work.

Document your time

When you are subject to colleagues’ political tactics – such as taking credit for your work – it’s important not to retaliate. “It’s tempting to expose the co-worker or boss in front of others, but this can backfire,” says executive coach Ray Williams.

You need to be cleverer than that: “Make sure you document your work thoroughly and let co-workers and your bosses’ superiors know what you are doing and have done,” advises Williams. This protects your reputation: if your work ethic is called into question by colleagues, you then have a way to prove your productivity.

Don’t sink to their level

When colleagues try to make you look bad or undermine you, it’s tempting to do likewise. However, this can backfire: you may come across as petty, and is unlikely to change your boss or co-worker’s behaviour.

A better way to deal with difficult colleagues is to ask them for a private conversation, says Williams. “Calmly ask them why they acted how they did, rather than accusing them.” This is often the best way to change behaviour, as it requires them to reflect on their actions.

What to do when a new team member pushes your buttons.

When a new colleague comes on board, it can take some time for them to acclimate to their new team culture and to build trust. But what should you do if a new team member starts pushing your buttons? This is the question a listener of the advice podcast Dear HBR: asked in a recent episode. Author and conflict expert Amy Gallo sets out to answer the question in this article and also points to related articles, books, and research.

What to do when a new team member pushes your buttons.

I successfully referred a friend’s friend to be my peer on my team. We’re under the same manager. She was very appreciative of the referral and was very friendly when I trained her on the job. However, shortly after I finished training her, she turned around and tried to compete with me, and became very aggressive and sneaky. Here’s an example. My manager asked her to work on something I had trained her on. When my manager checked in on the status, she said she was working on a project for the new big boss, so she didn’t have time to do the work. None of us knew about this other project, but we couldn’t stop her for obvious reasons. In the end, my manager reallocated her work back to me.

Another time when I was on vacation she took over my seat. I have a nice window seat. It’s next to my manager and the big boss. When I returned, all her stuff was scattered around my desk, including her dirty shoes. I feel this is very disrespectful. She’s very good at talking and sucking up. I feel even my manager is a bit scared of her. He plans to retire next year so I doubt he’s going to do anything. What should I do?

This is a tough situation that your new coworker put you in. When you refer someone to work at your company, not only are you putting your reputation on the line but you’re hoping that you’ll gain an ally at work.

But you are also not alone. Research from Chris Porath and Christine Pearson shows that 98% of people have experienced incivility at work. And there are real costs to being on the receiving end of this type of behavior. A team of researchers looked at how people get away with rudeness. They write, “People who experience workplace rudeness…report lower engagement, suffer more mental and physical health problems, and are more likely to burn out and quit their jobs. Which begs the question: Why do we tolerate this behavior at work? The results from the study show that people get away with being rude when they have a tight relationship with the boss or are high performers.

So what might you do now? One of my first instincts in any conflict situation is to try to think about it from the other person’s perspective. Annie McKee, the author of How to Be Happy at Work, says you need to have cognitive empathy (the ability to understand another person’s perspective) to “unearth your curiosity” when someone is bothering you at work. Ask yourself: What’s motivating your peer to behave this way? Is she really just obnoxious? Is she trying to impress other people? Is she trying to get away with not working? What could be going on here?

You may not have the answers to these questions so you should consider gathering more information and figure out whether others in the office perceive this woman in the same way that you do. People may be having a similar reaction and not telling you because they know you referred her.

If you find out that she is actually well respected, don’t try to convince everyone that she’s a jerk. Instead, try to understand why others may be working well with her when you aren’t. Is there something about the dynamic between you two that’s causing problems? Is there something you can do to shift your behavior? Maybe you need to stand up for yourself more, to be stronger and firmer.

For example, you could casually — and without emotion — move her stuff back to her desk and say, “It looks like you left your things on my desk.” Or if she expects you to take on her work, you can say, “No actually I need you to do that. It’s part of your job, not mine.” It may feel uncomfortable to be this direct at first but it’s important to establish boundaries, especially with someone who’s not respecting yours. Assuming positive intent can help here so you don’t further the conflict. Maybe she left her stuff on your desk by accident? Maybe she didn’t know that project was part of her job? In this article about peer accountability, Joseph Grenny found that the health of a team can be measured by “the average lag time between identifying and discussing problems. The shorter the lag time, the faster problems get solved and the more the resolution enhances relationships. The longer the lag, the more room there is for mistrust, dysfunction, and more tangible costs to mount.”

Therefore, you might consider having a direct conversation with her to try to clear the air. Caroline Webb, author of How to Have a Good Day, shares five steps in this article on how to raise difficult issues with a tough teammate. In step two, she encourages people to share “true facts” — “the things you know for sure, stripped of emotion, interpretation, or generalization.” When you talk to your coworker, be specific about what’s happened and how it’s made your job harder. And then ask her how she sees the situation.

That said, given what you shared in your letter, I suspect that that conversation might not go well. Then you have to decide whether to escalate it to your boss. It’s always better if you can solve the issue yourself without your manager stepping in. But there are some people who care a lot about hierarchy and will only change their behavior when encouraged to do so from someone senior. This might be what your peer needs. If you do go to your boss, be ready to list everything you tried to solve the situation yourself. And have a proposal for what you’d like them to do. Do you think it would be best if they talked directly to the person? It sounds like you feel like your boss may be hesitant to get involved but given that they are leaving, they might have a lot of leeway to actually do something and ruffle a few feathers because they’re on their way out the door.

If you find that the conversations with your peer, and with your boss, don’t change the situation, you’ll need to protect yourself and change your mindset. Otherwise, this is likely to eat you up inside and ruin your work experience. Consultant Abby Curnow-Chavez, in her article about dealing with a toxic coworker, says, “Own what you can, let go of what you can’t influence, and make a change if you have to.” Hopefully this doesn’t mean leaving your job, but try to establish boundaries so that you don’t have to work with her, even sit next to her. In this article, Greg McKeown shares a useful framework for how to set emotional boundaries without becoming walled off. And don’t stoop to her level — behave in a way that’s aligned with your values.

And have some self-compassion. Remember: it’s much easier to try to change your reaction to someone, than to change them.

What to do when a new team member pushes your buttons.

When a new colleague comes on board, it can take some time for them to acclimate to their new team culture and to build trust. But what should you do if a new team member starts pushing your buttons? This is the question a listener of the advice podcast Dear HBR: asked in a recent episode. Author and conflict expert Amy Gallo sets out to answer the question in this article and also points to related articles, books, and research.

What to do when a new team member pushes your buttons.

I successfully referred a friend’s friend to be my peer on my team. We’re under the same manager. She was very appreciative of the referral and was very friendly when I trained her on the job. However, shortly after I finished training her, she turned around and tried to compete with me, and became very aggressive and sneaky. Here’s an example. My manager asked her to work on something I had trained her on. When my manager checked in on the status, she said she was working on a project for the new big boss, so she didn’t have time to do the work. None of us knew about this other project, but we couldn’t stop her for obvious reasons. In the end, my manager reallocated her work back to me.

Another time when I was on vacation she took over my seat. I have a nice window seat. It’s next to my manager and the big boss. When I returned, all her stuff was scattered around my desk, including her dirty shoes. I feel this is very disrespectful. She’s very good at talking and sucking up. I feel even my manager is a bit scared of her. He plans to retire next year so I doubt he’s going to do anything. What should I do?

This is a tough situation that your new coworker put you in. When you refer someone to work at your company, not only are you putting your reputation on the line but you’re hoping that you’ll gain an ally at work.

But you are also not alone. Research from Chris Porath and Christine Pearson shows that 98% of people have experienced incivility at work. And there are real costs to being on the receiving end of this type of behavior. A team of researchers looked at how people get away with rudeness. They write, “People who experience workplace rudeness…report lower engagement, suffer more mental and physical health problems, and are more likely to burn out and quit their jobs. Which begs the question: Why do we tolerate this behavior at work? The results from the study show that people get away with being rude when they have a tight relationship with the boss or are high performers.

So what might you do now? One of my first instincts in any conflict situation is to try to think about it from the other person’s perspective. Annie McKee, the author of How to Be Happy at Work, says you need to have cognitive empathy (the ability to understand another person’s perspective) to “unearth your curiosity” when someone is bothering you at work. Ask yourself: What’s motivating your peer to behave this way? Is she really just obnoxious? Is she trying to impress other people? Is she trying to get away with not working? What could be going on here?

You may not have the answers to these questions so you should consider gathering more information and figure out whether others in the office perceive this woman in the same way that you do. People may be having a similar reaction and not telling you because they know you referred her.

If you find out that she is actually well respected, don’t try to convince everyone that she’s a jerk. Instead, try to understand why others may be working well with her when you aren’t. Is there something about the dynamic between you two that’s causing problems? Is there something you can do to shift your behavior? Maybe you need to stand up for yourself more, to be stronger and firmer.

For example, you could casually — and without emotion — move her stuff back to her desk and say, “It looks like you left your things on my desk.” Or if she expects you to take on her work, you can say, “No actually I need you to do that. It’s part of your job, not mine.” It may feel uncomfortable to be this direct at first but it’s important to establish boundaries, especially with someone who’s not respecting yours. Assuming positive intent can help here so you don’t further the conflict. Maybe she left her stuff on your desk by accident? Maybe she didn’t know that project was part of her job? In this article about peer accountability, Joseph Grenny found that the health of a team can be measured by “the average lag time between identifying and discussing problems. The shorter the lag time, the faster problems get solved and the more the resolution enhances relationships. The longer the lag, the more room there is for mistrust, dysfunction, and more tangible costs to mount.”

Therefore, you might consider having a direct conversation with her to try to clear the air. Caroline Webb, author of How to Have a Good Day, shares five steps in this article on how to raise difficult issues with a tough teammate. In step two, she encourages people to share “true facts” — “the things you know for sure, stripped of emotion, interpretation, or generalization.” When you talk to your coworker, be specific about what’s happened and how it’s made your job harder. And then ask her how she sees the situation.

That said, given what you shared in your letter, I suspect that that conversation might not go well. Then you have to decide whether to escalate it to your boss. It’s always better if you can solve the issue yourself without your manager stepping in. But there are some people who care a lot about hierarchy and will only change their behavior when encouraged to do so from someone senior. This might be what your peer needs. If you do go to your boss, be ready to list everything you tried to solve the situation yourself. And have a proposal for what you’d like them to do. Do you think it would be best if they talked directly to the person? It sounds like you feel like your boss may be hesitant to get involved but given that they are leaving, they might have a lot of leeway to actually do something and ruffle a few feathers because they’re on their way out the door.

If you find that the conversations with your peer, and with your boss, don’t change the situation, you’ll need to protect yourself and change your mindset. Otherwise, this is likely to eat you up inside and ruin your work experience. Consultant Abby Curnow-Chavez, in her article about dealing with a toxic coworker, says, “Own what you can, let go of what you can’t influence, and make a change if you have to.” Hopefully this doesn’t mean leaving your job, but try to establish boundaries so that you don’t have to work with her, even sit next to her. In this article, Greg McKeown shares a useful framework for how to set emotional boundaries without becoming walled off. And don’t stoop to her level — behave in a way that’s aligned with your values.

And have some self-compassion. Remember: it’s much easier to try to change your reaction to someone, than to change them.

The toughest enemy in Doom Eternal will put you through your paces, but you can beat it if you know how to fight it–and when to run away.

on April 9, 2020 at 11:05AM PDT

Doom Eternal is full of deadly demons, but none is as worrisome as the Marauder. A former Sentinel soldier, the Maurader has a lot of the same moves as the Doom Slayer, including a short-range dash to avoid attacks and a powerful shotgun to dish out a ton of close-range damage. You’ll face the Marauder as a boss in the game’s sixth mission, Arc Complex, but later in the game, it’ll become a regular enemy you’ll have to fight more than once.

The trouble with the Marauder is that it’s the most defensively minded enemy in the game. Where other demons rush at your face, soaking up all the lead you can dump into them, the Marauder actively avoids attacks with a big shield, while dishing out a ton of punishment along the way. There are ways to take Marauders down, though. It usually requires sustained damage and a lot of effort, and you’ll want to make sure to keep lots of smaller fodder demons handy for health, armor, and ammo recharges. But if you know what you’re doing when you see a Marauder, you can prioritize the target and take it out before things get too tough. Here’s how to bring Marauders down reliably.

Pick Your Range

The Marauder sports a big shield that protects it from bullets, and it carries three major attacks: a close-range shotgun that does a ton of damage, a long-range axe it throws at a distance, and a spectral wolf it can summon to run you down. Each of these attacks can be dealt with if you’re quick and careful, but all three can whittle you down in a hurry if you’re not on your game.

The key to dealing with the Marauder is to fight it at the correct range: not too close, not too far, but around 10-15 feet. Above all, you want to avoid the Marauder’s shotgun, its most powerful attack, which means staying back from its attacks. At longer ranges, the Marauder throws its axe, but this is an attack you can dodge if you’re paying attention; it’s tough, but better than the close-up spray of a shotgun. Whenever possible, stay at mid- to long-range on the Marauder and do your best to avoid its axes until he gets in close to take a melee swing at you. Watch out for its quick dodges, which it’ll use to get around the side of you, so it can close the gap and attack.

When you’re farther away, the Marauder will also summon a spectral wolf that’ll run you down and attack you incessantly. While it seems spooky, the wolf is actually pretty easy to take out with any weapon. Like the Marauder itself, try not to let it get too close. Blast away at it as soon as it appears to kill it quickly and save yourself some pain.

Execute A Stagger

You can’t damage the Marauder under normal circumstances because of its shield. Instead, you have to wait for the enemy to make itself vulnerable when it goes for a close-range melee attack. You’ll see the Marauder flash green when it’s coming in, which indicates that this is your moment to attack. Shoot the Marauder at this moment and you’ll briefly stagger it, leaving it open for you to do more damage before it collects itself and attacks you again.

You can stagger the Marauder with any gun, but the Super Shotgun is often your best bet. It does a lot of damage and fires in a big spread, making it tough to miss your shot when you get your very brief opening. The Super Shotgun is also handy for dishing out a lot more damage while you’ve got an opening. That means you’ll need to keep an eye out for opportunities to use your chainsaw to keep your shells stocked, though.

Don’t Forget Grenades

The Marauder will block most incoming fire with the shield when it’s not staggered, but you can still get hits on it with splash damage attacks. Your grenade is handy for these situations, especially if the Marauder is backed up by a lot of other enemies. Try to fire it to the side of the Marauder to avoid its shield and you’ll usually manage to put some extra hurt on the demon, or at least force him to dash away and maybe break up his attack. The grenade is also great for catching the wolf right after the Marauder summons it, so don’t sleep on blowing some stuff up while you’re fighting.

Disengage!

The first fight with the Marauder is in a tight arena, but you’ll also see a lot of fodder zombies wandering around, offering you opportunities for glory kills and other chances to restock yourself. In bigger arenas where you see a Marauder backed up by lots of other demons, try to avoid getting tunnel vision dealing with just the Marauder. It’s the biggest threat, sure, but it also will distract you while other things close in from the sides and rip you apart when you’re not looking. Don’t be afraid to run from the Marauder, find some fodder demons, and juice yourself back up. The Marauder will give chase, but even the quickest demons in Doom Eternal aren’t as mobile as you are. Use monkey bars, jump pads, and teleporters to give yourself some space.

Clear The Horde With The BFG

Late in the game, you’ll add the BFG to your arsenal. This extremely large and potent gun has the capability to clear out whole arenas if used correctly–it spits off tentacles of energy that find and rip apart demons, giving you a lot of breathing room, especially when you have big enemies like the Marauder to deal with.

Unfortunately, you can’t kill the Marauder with the BFG. You can however, kill everything else with the BFG, and that’s not a bad strategy when you see a Marauder gunning for you with a lot of other enemies hanging around too. Often you’ll find BFG ammo in the same general vicinity as a Marauder fight, as if the game is encouraging you to go nuts and use the massive weapon to tear apart your foes. It’s tempting to hoard your BFG ammo for emergency situations, but trust us when we say that fighting Marauders with other enemies in the mix is usually just such an emergency.

This is how some people handle criticism at work

A senior leader in a meeting told me that feedback is a gift. How can you ever improve if you don’t know where you need to shore up your skills or work habits?

That’s some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten and it has changed the way I think about negative feedback.

Now I use that line on my teenage daughters. I’m not so sure they think feedback is a gift… just yet 🙂

Many people get defensive or sad when they’re criticized at work. In many cases, the workplace has no feedback culture in place and people are not trained to give or receive criticism in a constructive manner. Giving and receiving negative feedback constructively takes a LOT of practice!

The best way to receive negative feedback well is to follow these 7 steps:

1: Listen.
Actually hear what’s being said. If necessary, ask questions to make sure you understand the criticism fully.

I reiterate what she said so she knows that I was really listening and since my boss likes to teach and is very detail-oriented, I’ll ask her if she can give me a few tips on how to perform the task better and throw in a few suggestions as well to get her feedback.

I end the conversation by asking where I’m doing well so I can keep up the good work which is my way of helping her to remember where I excel.

This also shows her that out of everything that I do, she’s got few complaints and gives her the confidence to give me more responsibilities.

2: Assume good intentions
Unless proven otherwise, assume good intentions. Don’t automatically jump to the conclusion that the person criticising you is “out to get you.” Of course, sometimes they are. If so, see below.

3: Do not get defensive and start making excuses.
Instead you might say what you’ve learned and what you will do differently from now on.

4: Don’t take it personally
Remember that they’re criticizing your work, not you as a person. Never take negative feedback about your work as a criticism of you as a person.

5: See criticism as help
Remember that all constructive feedback (including negative feedback) is a sign of interest and a sign that people want to help you do better. It would be far worse for people to notice you doing bad work and not say a word.

6: Don’t be too hard on yourself
Remember that everyone makes mistakes and has things to learn. Yes, that includes you. There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes, but making the same mistakes over and over because you refuse to listen to criticism and learn is just stupid.

7: Say thank you
Thank the person for their feedback.

Never put up with attacks in the workplace

However, note that these steps only apply to constructive, well-meant criticism. Unfair and overly negative feedback is also used as a tool by bad managers and workplace bullies to demean and control others.

The wrong kind of criticism can be:

• Overly negative
• Personal attacks
• Unfair criticism for something that is not your fault or outside if your control
• Delivered in an unpleasant way

Do NOT put up with this kind of attack. If you do it will persist.

Feedback can be a gift

All constructive feedback is valuable because it gives you a chance to improve and learn. Positive feedback is easier and more fun (and sadly undervalued in most workplaces) but negative feedback and criticism can be a fantastic thing as long as we do it right.

In fact, many employees I’ve talked to simply wish for more feedback of any kind. They feel like they work in a vacuum where no one ever notices their efforts, good or bad, and this makes it almost impossible to know whether or not they’re doing good work.

We desperately need feedback – both positive and negative. Tell me what I do well AND tell me what I can do better.

Your take

Have you ever received negative feedback in a way that helped you out? How did you receive it? What are some BAD ways to receive criticism? Do you have a coworker who handles criticism particularly well or badly? How do they do it? Write a comment below – I’d love to hear your take.

Related articles

• You manager probably thinks criticism is better than praise. He’s wrong. Here’s why.
• The top 5 ways NOT to praise people at work.
• How Richard Branson praises Virgin employees.

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