Dirty Jobs Host has a Breakdown

No Job Too Dirty? (The Washington Post) March 16, 2006

Discovery Channel announced today that their popular show Dirty Jobs will be on hiatus for several months pending the return of the show’s host, Mike Rowe. In the show, Mr. Rowe, a former opera singer, travels around the country putting in a day’s work at the “dirtiest jobs in America.” Past shows have featured the host cleaning storm drains, collecting road kill and coal mining.

“The show has been soliciting viewer suggestions for jobs since its first episode, and the public has really come through for us,” said the show’s executive producer Craig Piligian. “Over the years we’ve had close to a million emails requesting that Mike take on one particular job. None of us thought it would go so badly.”

While filming a three episode arc in Washington, DC, Mike Rowe finally had enough.

David Barsky, the show’s field director and friend of Mr. Rowe was filming the episode. “It was supposed to be an easy shoot. All of the jobs we had filmed so far were hard, blue collar type jobs. We thought we were prepared for the worst. We were wrong.”

According to a senior White House official, Discovery Channel approached them in January and expressed interest in having Mike Rowe shadow Karl Rove and Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez for two days. Last Friday the crew began filming Mr. Rowe in his attempts to learn their jobs and experience the culture of the White House and Department of Justice. The first day of filming was at the White House. Mr. Rove met the crew in some of the public rooms which were immaculate.

“I was surprised. The placed looked so clean! What possible job could there be to film,” said cameraman Greg Tillman when he agreed to be interviewed for this story. “But as we walked down a hallway, I noticed a strange odor. The more we walked, the stronger the smell grew. It smelled awful. Like human feces. Finally Mr. Rove stopped and opened a door. He and Mike were instantly buried in tons of excrement.”

Karl Rove showed Mr. Rowe how to shovel out the dung. According to the film crew, the smell was overpowering, but Mike put on a brave face and kept working.

Though Administration officials would not confirm the crew’s story, cameraman Adam Bradley is not surprised. “Mike and the rest of us were gagging, but Mr. Rove and others in the White House didn’t seem to notice the smell or the offensive material. We went from room to room and every single one of them was filled with piles of human waste. The oval office, the press briefing room, Mr. Cheney’s office… They were all full of sh*t. I mean they were in it up to their eyeballs and no one cared!”

The crew left early that day. They had great footage, but the work was taking its toll on all of them. Their host seemed the most affected. “Mike must have showered 5 or 6 times. He kept saying that he couldn’t get clean. I had never seen him like that.”

At this point in the interview Dave Barsky broke down. “This was all my fault. I could see how disturbed he was. But we had an entire weekend to unwind. I kept telling him that Monday wouldn’t be as bad. I really believed that.”

The crew spent the weekend relaxing and going through the footage they had shot. When Monday came around, most of them had managed to put the events of Friday behind them. They arrived at the Justice Department early.

“It was awful. I thought the first day was bad. But the Justice Department was ungodly. I mean we’ve spent hours deep in a sewer and cleaning septic tanks. Nothing could have prepared us for this.”

One cameraman shook visibly as he recounted the story. “Upon entering the building, you were struck immediately by the smell. Whereas the White House had smelled of excrement, this place smelled of death.” Just like the White House staff, no one at Justice seemed to be aware of the stench. The film crew followed Mike and AG Gonzales through the building for several minutes before the source became apparent. The bodies of eight US attorneys littered the hallway outside the Attorney General’s office.

“Some of them weren’t even cold yet, but at least two lawmakers came to express their pleasure at their demise. Mike really stood his ground. I think he might have been okay if it wasn’t for what happened next.”

Eyewitnesses have refused to describe the scene, but what is known is that Mr. Rowe was present with Gonzales and possibly was forced to participate in the ritual sacrifice of his own Chief of Staff, Kyle Sampson.

“After that, Mike just shut down. He wouldn’t talk, or even make eye contact. We had to get out of there.”

AG Gonzales refused to be interviewed for this article, but a Department of Justice spokeswoman had this to say, “Mr. Sampson chose this path of his own free will. Once he became aware of how his actions had possibly harmed others, he voluntarily approached the Attorney General and asked to be terminated.”

Mike Rowe is currently being held in an undisclosed location, but Discover Channel executives assured us that he is under the care of a professional. There is no word yet on if or when he may return, but producer Edward Barbini is hopeful.

“I am sure with the love and support of his family and friends and the benefits of modern anti-psychotic medication, Mr. Rowe will be able to return to work within a few months. In the meantime, there will be no replacement. Mike Rowe is Dirty Jobs, and no one could take his place. Frankly, no one would want to.”

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